Tuesday Taunt XVII

Only the best of the best make the playoffs. Some are bloodied, some are bruised, even those who manage to get through undefeated come not without scars of their own. For instance this 2014 year, the Spawn has won five different weeks with her chosen team down double digits near or at half-time. We saw it once again this weekend with the Saints. Our Texans friends also survived a significant scare.

We do bid adieu to Wick & Chick, whose glorious run ended with the shooting of their Falcons down out of the sky. The Panthers used a cannon, not a pistol, so at least there was not too much pain.

And so on we merrily roll this Holiday Season into the playoffs, which we reach with seven surviving participants: Hitman, Pillow Connoisseur, Shiner, Junior, J-Ro, Monkey, and of course the unscathed Spawn of Swami.

For those remaining, a playoffs primer:

# - You must pick one team each remaining week: the Wild Card round this coming weekend, the Divisional Round, the Championship Round, and the Superbowl if we make it that far. In total, you will have four selections left to make.

# - You may use any team not selected during the regular season, as well as any team used during Weeks 1-9 of the regular season, but starting now any team from that group used may not be used again for the rest of the season.

# - As far as the payout goes, we will wait and see how the remaining participants fare after the first weekend. We will not payout all seven unless all seven make it successfully past the Superbowl. We paid out five people last year based on how things finished, we paid out three the year before, and we have had seasons where only one or two get paid out. It is all dependent upon how things finish. If there is a tie, the pot will be split.

The schedule for this first Wild Card weekend is as follows:

Saturday, Jan. 3
NFC: No. 5 Arizona Cardinals at No. 4 Carolina Panthers, 1:35 p.m. PST (ESPN)
AFC: No. 6 Baltimore at No. 3 Pittsburgh, 5:15 p.m. PST (NBC)

Sunday, Jan. 4
AFC: No. 5 Cincinnati at No. 4 Indianapolis 10:05 a.m. PST (CBS)
NFC: No. 6 Detroit at No. 3 Cowboys 1:40 p.m. PST (Fox)

Good luck to all remaining participants. May the Best of the Best of the Best win it all.

That is all.

The Root of the Week XVII

Which way to go, which way to go? The participants have separated on this excellent Week 17.

No frills, no preamble. The Spawn places her faith in the heavens and rides the Saints. A quartet on the Texans. One flying with the Falcons. One mans a Viking vessel. One pick still to come in as of this posting.

On our eight-pack merrily rolls.

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt XVI

And then there was one.

I am not entirely sure how to process the facts as currently situated; these are some uncharted Suicide Pool waters following a 50/50 Week Sixteen. Here are the important facts for those still following this topsy-turvy, slightly ridiculous season of NFL action:

# - Six participants took losses this past weekend, including two of the three remaining undefeateds.
# - There are eight souls left alive, only one undefeated.
# - The Spawn of Swami is the only undefeated.
# - The Spawn is a nine-year-old girl.

A recap of Thursday afternoon, which mirrors a once-a-week conversation held every week of the NFL season beginning after Week 7, when the Spawn took control of her own destiny:

Swami: "Alright, you are still undefeated. The three best choices this week are the Jaguars, who play tonight, and the Bills and the Rams, who play on Sunday. We cannot pick our Beloveds because we have used them already."

Spawn: "Jaguars, Bills, or Rams?"

Swami: "Jaguars, Bills, or Rams are the best choices. There are others if you want them."

Spawn: "No. I'll take the Jaguars. My friend and I are going to go play with our American Girl dolls."

And there you have it. Three options each week, and each week thus far she has chosen wisely ... and that positions her as the sole remaining undefeated going into the last week of the regular season. Eat your heart out, Walter Donovan.

That is all.

Early Root of the Week XVI

Last year, en route to his first Top Five finish in the Suicide Pool, the Swami took a flying leap, picking the 0-9 Jaguars of Jacksonville to beat the Titans of Tennessee. 92 participants were riding the Titans, who lost.

This year, en route to her own spectacular finish, the Spawn of Swami takes a flying leap of her own, picking the Jacksonville Jaguars to once again beat the Tennessee Titans. Will lightning strike twice? Can the Swami Spawn catch it in a bottle once again?

Find out in about fifteen minutes, when the game kicks off on Thursday Night Football.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt XV

It has come down to our final twelve ... and they are so very, very dirty. You do not reach this far into the season without getting those hands at least a little grimy, and our own version of the Dirty Dozen has done just that.

We lost one Amazing participant this past weekend on the unamazing arm of the now-benched Mr. Cutler. When you get benched in favor of a Golden Dome quarterback, you know things are bad.

Week Fifteen Statistics
192 participants
3 undefeated
9 with one loss
180 deceased

'Tis a fine and merry gathering. Here's hoping we all turn out like Wladlislaw.

That is all.

The Root of the Week XV

On the eve of Week Fifteen, the Spawn has elected to walk amongst Giants. She has braved the heights of the beanstalk and sought her fortunes among the clouds ... and only tomorrow's time will tell if she is ground into bread or returns from on high with the golden goose. She seeks to find the elusive Tyree Giant and avoid the oft-insatiable Interception Giant, which has been known to sleep for weeks on end before rearing its ugly head.

As for the rest of the survivors, those merry few, the undisputed cream, we have Lions and Chiefs already come in, with more picks to follow. Who knows which way which participant will go, for at this point the whole shebang is a crap-shoot of gargantuan proportions --- indeed, dare I say, a feat fit for Giants.

That is all.

Wednesday Taunt XIV

The dominoes are falling. With the fourteenth week in the books, three more participants bid adieu to the 2014 Suicide Pool. Graham's Girl and G-Pa have fallen for the third and final time, along with the last of the Mallory's.

Still three undefeateds, joined by their ten one-loss fellows. Most of the action tamed the Lions this past weekend, with a bit of Texans help thrown in and one lone Viking fan narrowly escaping defeat.

Week Fourteen Statistics
3 undeated at 14-0
10 with one loss at 13-1
179 deceased

For comparisons sake, in Week Fifteen last season (2013) there were only 5 souls left. In 2012, there were 22 remaining at this time. In 2011, there were 8 still alive. In 2010, there were 28. So we seem, in this most interesting year, to be right at about the five-year average for this point in the season, even if none of the years have actually been in the general range.

Also worth noting: lots of veterans in the ranks of those left alive, men and women with significant end of season experience. Pillow Connoisseur, Shiner, J-Ro, Hitman, Monkey, and Wick and Chick all have graced the hallowed halls of year's end success, and will be tough to beat for the rest of the field.

So strap on that black rubber glove that you rent with an option to buy, skin that smoke wagon and go to work.

That is all.

The Root of the Week XIV

Everything exists in a delicate balance, and as loyal, courageous denizens of the Swami Pool, you must understand that balance and respect all participants, from Wishful Thinking on up to the Pillow Connoisseur. So sayeth Mufasa, so sayeth the King.

And on this most excellent of evenings, before a most important day of football for so many professional teams -- including the Beloveds -- we pause to reflect, to recognize, and to ultimately bask in the collective glory the remaining few share. So few, so very few remain ... and perhaps even fewer yet on the morrow.

The majority it seems have set their course for Pride Rock. A good course, to be sure, and one the Spawn seems most willing to chart for herself, as well. A potent offense, a strong defense, and an opponent with double digit losses means the Mighty Staffords have as good a chance as any team in the field to finish their weekend off with the big "W".

It does not take much these days to swashbuckle the lowly Buckaroos, as the masses have made clear. Perhaps one or two others -- Saints, Texans -- but the heavy action follows Simba across the plains.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt XIII

Milk, if left by itself, undergoes a process called homogenization. During this process, the lighter fatty portions of the milk rise to the top due to lesser density. Very much like oil and water. The fatty portions are then skimmed and made into a separate product: cream.

In the figurative sense, cream is considered the more expensive, more valuable, and therefore better of the two dairy products, so it is used as an expression meaning someone or something better than the rest. So "cream", or the better person or thing, shall always eventually end up rising to the top and being acknowledged as such.

We would like to at this time acknowledge the cream of the Suicide Pool 2014 crop. Remaining participants, take your bow. There were no losses this week for the first time this year, not surprising given it being Marino Week, and so in celebration of the most perfect arm in the history of football, the Reaper, too, stood idly by.

And so we still have our sixteen participants, three unscathed and thirteen hoping to survive another week --- and even cream has its betters and its worst, and so in short order we will discover who has it within them to separate even from the very top of the field ... and claim the mantle of champion.

That is all.

The Root of the Week XIII

It's Marino week. Let us all take a moment to reflect upon the best arm in the business ... Alright, on to the more important matters at hand. 

We have three and thirteen in Week 13, three undefeateds and thirteen one lossers. There is more pressure on the remaining participants than the derrier of Cameron Frye. This includes the masses rooting for the Rams of St. Louis, the prevailing pick, as well as the Swami Spawn, who pins her American Girl doll purchase fates on the Lone Star state this weekend, in the form of JJ Watt and his glorious Texans. 

Run, Arian, run. 

That is all. 

Tuesday Taunt XII

It is really getting down to hard-to-watch time. There is no easy game this season in the National Football League, no clearly defined team who will carry a participant to victory with absolutely certainty. Brady's Pats? Rolling now but have been inconsistent. Manning's Mile High Club? Capable of laying a midwestern egg. Defending Champion Seahawks? Responsible for more losses than any other this year. 

There is nowhere to run. There is nowhere to hide. Miraculously, however, most of our merry little band of remaining players made it past Week Twelve. We bid adieu, sadly, to three poor souls who held onto Saintly, Chiefly hopes.

Including DADY, the defending Suicide Pool Champion.

Week Twelve Stats
3 undefeated at 12-0
13 with one loss at 11-1
176 deceased

We have come to Marino Week, which also happens to coincide with the Giving of Thanks Day, and so on this fine evening, when the Reaper takes leave of our midst and travels round to scythe many a turkey in advance of the feast, I wish all a very, quite Happy Thanksgiving.

That is all.

The Root of the Week XII

Time to push the chips in. We enter Week 12 already down two more who drop kicked the bucket via the Chiefs on Thursday night, which means 17 faithful souls enter battle on the morrow. Shuffle up and deal.

The masses have little choices left and everyone is taking their sweet time getting me picks, so not much is known going in on who is taking whom, but the update will come Monday to ease the minds of those who need to know.

Spawn is the only Swami clanswoman left standing, and standing she is well as one of three unscathed. Tomorrow she hopes to ride off into the sunset on the back of a fine filly, powered by the arm of a little Luck.

The Colts, it is.

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt XI

In the words of the immortal Al Swearengen, "bloodletting on my premises that I ain't approved I take as a ****ing affront. It puts me off my feed."

Make no mistake, Week Eleven was a bloodletting, like some medieval doctor strapped 24 participants to a chair and took out the needle and the knife. It hurt, bad, and our numbers are nearly halved: 17 of the 26 one loss teams went down to defeat, and dropped below the line --- including yours truly, and the bells you hear ringing in that far off place sound the knell of the Swami himself.

The undefeateds took it even harder on the chin, with seven of ten taking their first loss. We now have only a trio of unscathed souls: Pillow Connoisseur and Shiner, both veterans of the pool, and the Spawn of Swami, my own flesh and blood --- who happens to be a 9-year-old girl.

And so we arrive at Week Twelve, noticeably thinner, with pressures mounting and good options dwindling. When the majority take the Redskins, you know your good options are dwindling.

To those who remain, in the words of Al Swearengen, "pain or damage don't end the world, or despair, or ****ing beatin's. The world ends when you're dead. Until then, you got more punishment in store. Stand it like a man ... and give some back."

That is all.

The Root of the Week XI

On this fine Sunday of glorious Week Eleven, the schizophrenia is starting to set in. The masses are moving far and wide in a variety of dangerous directions as the group seeks to avoid the Reaper and survive another round.

The Beloveds already have their playoff-import win in the bag, and I will thank very much those of you who tuned in Thursday, and so now the rest of the field follows with a slate filled with intriguing NFL playoff possible matchups featuring some of the best teams in the league pitted against one another.

Which is great for ratings, but not so great for you. The list of selected teams reads like a who's-who of averageness: Redskins, Steelers, Saints, Browns.

Of course, then there are the Swami selections. At this point it becomes nearly impossible not to break a few rules, and the Swami and Spawn will each break rules this week. The Spawn will throw caution to the wind and take the Super Chargers in a division match, while the Swami himself --- in what actually should be the safest pick of the wick --- will ride the Broncos to greatness as they travel to Arch City.

Good luck to all as our merry band of 36 survivors rolls on.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt X

The Swami has fallen. A special thank you to the NFL Replay officiating booth, who saw fit to uphold a call on the Jimmy Graham Hail Mary touchdown non-catch that is, by measure of every official except -- apparently -- the five on the field in New Orleans on Sunday, never to be made, thereby extending the game into overtime ... and leading to the Swami's first loss.

No matter, you cannot win your own pool in any event. I'm always shooting for a comfortable bronze medal finish. Suicide Rook, Beginners Luck, and Man About Autumn will know how much I enjoy those.

Still, I am alive, which is more than can be said for the seven who went quietly into that good night. Only 36 now remain with 10 undefeated, and the noose begins to tighten and the pressure begins to mount. 

Our ten-spot of undefeateds include six Suicide Pool veterans, including two past winners, plus a rookie, two members of Clan Titus, and a nine year-old girl, the Swami's own spawn.

Special Swami powers will go to those who elect to watch and root for the Beloveds on Thursday Night Football this very night, powers which might just be enough to turn the tide in your favor this weekend. Like the lobster thermador, I highly recommend it, senor.

That is all.

The Root of the Week X

In honor of Poe and his Raven, whose flock is being asked to shepherd a great mass of participants safely into Week Eleven, musings from the man himself.

"Men have called me mad; but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence -- whether much that is glorious -- whether all that is profound -- does not spring from disease of thought -- from moods of mind exalted at the expense of the general intellect.

There are two bodies -- the rudimental and the complete -- corresponding with the two conditions of the worm and the butterfly. What we call "death," is but the painful metamorphosis. Our present incarnation is progressive, preparatory, temporary. Our future is perfected, ultimate, immortal. The ultimate life is the full design.

They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.

It is more than probable that I am not understood; but I fear, indeed, that it is in no manner possible to convey to the mind of the merely general reader, an adequate idea of that nervous intensity of interest with which, in my case, the powers of meditation (not to speak technically) busied and buried themselves, in the contemplation of even the most ordinary objects of the universe.

It will be found, in fact, that the ingenious are always fanciful, and the truly imaginative never otherwise than analytic."

Poe speaks truly, like the Swami was seated before him asking for a personally evaluative oratory. Swami speaks truly, as well, and expects scores of participants to look for the Ravens to come knocking on victory's door this weekend. However, and despite the obviousness of the Ravens pick, there will be no Ravensing for the Swami and his clan.

I feel the holy light of heaven's army upon me, and whilst they have struggled mightily, so too hast their opponent, and the old adage holds as true today as it did years ago: "why root for one Harbrother when there is another to root against?"

And so the Swami will lay down with the Saints, and hope for divine inspiration at home in the bayou, whilst the boy and girl tab the road-weary Falcons and Steelers for their selections, as we all look to roll effortlessly along.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt IX

What is there to say about Colin Kaepernick? For starters, he might be the most overrated quarterback in the NFL, getting paid far too much for what he brings to the table; San Fran should have consulted the Swami before passing over that massive check to ensure their own mediocrity for years to come. Second, his body looks like a tribal headdress. Let's face it, the man enjoys tattoos.

Know what I enjoy? Holding on to the football. Five participants will languish below the line forever more because someone *coughKaepcough* could not hold on to the football, and Jess falls from the ranks of the undefeated. Plus a default loss on the Giants gives up a quiet week, so perhaps instead of taunting the man I should be thanking him. The Swami does love his chaos, after all.

Weekend Statistics
11 undefeated at 9-0
32 with one loss at 8-1
149 utterly deceased

We enter Week 10, which marks a shift in the rules and strategy of Suicide Pool play. Henceforth, any team selected is unavailable for the rest of the season, including playoffs. 

Also worth mentioning is a comparison with last season and a reminder about the absolute devastation that came with Week 10 of 2013. After Week 09 last season, there were 30 undefeateds and 63 with one loss --- obviously we are quite ahead of that pace this season. However, in Week 10 last season, when the winless Jags got their first on the road versus the Titans, only four were left undefeated with 39 participants total. "X" has marked the devastation spot for many a Suicide season; the Reaper eagerly waits to see if the scythe will be active again in 2014. I'd like to say good luck, but you all know what I'm rooting for.

That is all.

The Root of the Week IX

The cream always rises. In this crazy chaotic NFL season, the cream is rising sooner rather than later --- as evidenced by the masses of participants no longer even inside the bottle.

As usual, the masses are moving in different directions, but the Seahawks (yes, those responsible for significant losses this year) and the Bengals (yes, those who have been playing too poorly of late) are the primary winners.

As for the Swami and his brood, as follows: the wife is on the Chiefs, the girl is on the 49ers, the boy is on the Chiefs, and the Swami himself does indeed like the Tigers to maul the lowly Jags in a battle of the big cats.

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt VIII

Ladies and gentlemen, we have our Dirty Dozen.

'Twas a beating the masses took on Monday night, to the tune of 45 poor souls feeling the sharp end of the scythe. A third of those were previous unbeatens, dropping the number of those not yet burdened with loss to a meager 12. We have also crossed the 50 threshold, with 143 deceased participants. It behooves me to mention that I myself am still undefeated, as is one of my spawn. 

"As for the rest of the undefeateds, allow me to present the most twisted, anti-social bunch of psychopathic deformities I have ever run into. You've got one religious maniac, one malignant dwarf, two near-idiots ... and the rest I don't even want to think about."

Week Eight Statistics
192 participants
12 undefeated at 8-0
37 with one loss at 7-1
49 Week Eight losers
45 crushed by the Cowboys

Note: there is one week left (Week Nine) before the playoff rules kick in and any team selected thereafter cannot be used again this season, not even in the playoffs. So strategize wisely while there is still time to strategize; after Week Nine, the Suicide Pool is solely about survival.

That is all.

The Root of the Week VIII

As we near the Week 10 marker, when the season really gets real, when the noose tightens and the claws come out, it behooves to remind participants of how precious time really is. Once eliminated, 'tis another ten long months to the start of the Suicide Pool for 2015, when a fresh batch of hope springs eternal.

The crystal ball has proven worthy thus far and the Swami and his brood will look to improve upon their successes in Week Eight, along with the other 25 undefeateds. Most action seems to be coming in this fine weekend on the Cowboys of Dallas, breaking the rule of divisional rivals, with secondary action on the Beloveds to best the improving-but-still-hapless Kitties of Jacksonville.

The Swami has already utilized the Beloveds, of course, trusting their competency long before this point, likewise the spouse and offspring. The brood will, therefore, go in four different directions: the spouse on the Swashbucklers, the girl on the Browns, the boy putting his faith in Bootleg's heir and riding the Cowboys with the masses, and the Swami himself settling down for a round of vision-gathering with the shamans of the Chiefs.

Good luck to those who remain as a wave of nostalgia washes over in honor of those who have fallen. It serves as another stark reminder: like sands through the hourglass, so pass the weeks of the Suicide season.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt VII

Not so fast there, young fellas.

Every season there is one team that seems to emerge from the pack, not in terms of its dominance or its lack thereof, but for its combination of the two. The team that looks really, really good, but loses --- and in the process, takes a whole slew of Suicide Pool participants with them.

Well, my friends, most of you likely know the answer to this trivia question, having suffered anguish and defeat at their hands already . . . Seattle Seahawks, take a big bow. Notching another 26 losses last Sunday, the Seahawks have now accounted for more than one-third of all losses this year. 

Weekly Statistics
29 undefeated at 7-0
49 with one loss at 6-1
113 deceased
30 week seven losers
26 Seahawks losers

Less than 30 remain without blemish, including the Swami, Swami's spawn, and Swami's wife. Keep tabs of our picks as always on this blog, if only to try to jump on the coattails of our prognostication successes.

That is all.

The Root of the Week VII

The whole of the Swami brood is undefeated at present, a lovely and enjoyable place to be, and yet instead of rolling en masse on our picks as we have done through the first six weeks, we now will branch out on our own, seeking the elusive and majestic Trifecta win.

We begin with the Spawn, who have elected to ride the HOF arm of one Mr. Peyton Manning. The Broncos of Denver shall best the 49ers of San Francisco, whose pans will come up empty once again in Mile High.

We move next to the Factor, the beautiful spouse of Swami, who is miffed the Spawn has taken the Broncos, and instead will settle for the HOF arm of the horseshoe heir, Mr. Andrew Luck. The Colts of Indianapolis shall best the Bengals of Cincinnati, and continue the tiger tailspin.

Last, we move to the Swami himself, who always like a little Poe in his life. And so open here I fling the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter, in there steps a raven of the saintly days of yore. And this raven, never flitting, still with patient perch is sitting, on the gleaming statue of the Swami by the door. And his eyes have all the seeming of that Swami who is dreaming, of the spawn and wife who family mantle burdens bore. And this raven still beguiling all my fancy into smiling, on this night shall ease my plight, and yield a safely winning score.

That is all.

Friday Taunt VI

He has come.

The scythe was swift and brutal this week, slicing through 45 participants in a beautiful symphony of chaos and devastation. Seahawks at home? Done. Bengals at home? Deadlocked. The Falcons at home? Clipped. My internet at home? No chance. The Giants on the road? Well, that pick was not well mapped out, in all honesty.

The Reaper reared his head in the Sixth Week as we pass the one-third mark of this crazy, topsy-turvy, who-knows-what NFL season. The Swami knows, of course, which is why the Swami and his brood are all undefeated, along with 30+ others.

Week Six Statistics
36 undefeated
67 with one loss*
89 deceased
45 week six losers
22 knocked out for good

*There's that 67 number again. Hmmm.

Yes, for those wondering at home, a tie is a loss in Suicide play. We can thank the original tie monsters, McNabb's Eagles, for that lovely little rule, which toasted a 10-spot of tigers this past weekend.

Three weeks left before the playoff rules take effect (starting in Week 10), so know your strategy and execute it correctly. For those who do not know what I am talking about, I apologize to you for your ignorance. Sadly, it is likely incurable.

That is all.

The Root of the Week VI

Continuing with the trend of flying with the birds, the Swami moves a different direction than the masses this week. Most have elected to ride with heavy hitters Broncos, Bengals, and Seahawks, with the occasional crazy person on the Chargers, a couple risking the Swami Hex on the Packers, and a smattering of Lions, Pats, and even a Titans.

But the Swami, along with a handful of others, will fly high above the fray, winging our merry way along as we descend upon the desert and watch the Little Birds do battle with the Politically Incorrectskins.

Speaking of, in honor of Ze German whose froth waxes high in favor of the Skins, the Swami Suicide Blog presents a contest for those interested in making a quick buck or forty. The winner will receive one free entry into the Suicide Pool next year. Contest: Email me your best new name for the Redskins, should the government pressure prove too much to bear. For example, the Washington Redtapes. That's my personal favorite.

Winner and top choices will be published in a future blog posting. For now, enjoy Week Six of the National Football League. I am off to join the Little Birds in flight.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt V

Meow.

The sound emanating from Ford Field on Sunday last: meow. 'Twas the Cubs that were responsible for 16 losses in Week Five -- all losses but one, and that was a default pick/panic.

Week Five has been a tough week for the majority of participants in years past, but the majority emerged unscathed in 2014, riding the Packers, Saints, Eagles, Seahawks, Steelers, and a smattering of others to success and survival. Still the losses are piling up as the numbers hit approximated thirds: one third undefeated, one third with one loss, one third out.

Weekly Statistics
58 at 5-0
67 with one loss
67 deceased
17 losers in Week Five
10 scythed for good in Week Five

Onward we merrily go into Week the Sixth. For those still undefeated, the sound you hear is the sweet sound of success, like harpers from heaven tugging the heartstrings of joy. For those with one loss, the sound you hear is the scrrch of the noose tightening around your neck, or perhaps the sllllfftt of the reaper sharpening his scythe. For those deceased, the sound you hear is . . . 

That is all.

The Root of the Week V

In considering the dangers of this slate of Week Five games, two thoughts spring to mind: a remembrance and a realization. One remembers, first, that Week Five has a history of Suicide Pool devastation; some of the worst overall participant losses have occurred in the fifth week of the season. On the heels of that horrifying thought comes a second, and no less horrifying, a stark and brutal realization: a rule must be broken in Week Five.

Some elected to break early, as if Rules don't pertain to Thursdays, in taking the Packers against their division rival. Those brave souls survived their rule-breaking and have already earned admittance into Week Six.

Most others have taken the Saints, they of the confidence-inspiring 1-3 record, against their own division rival, the Bucs of Tampa Bay -- who finally have a little momentum and a quarterback who can throw the ball semi-well. To you I just want to say, good luck, we're all counting on you.

Still more have tried to adhere to the Rules, and thus placed their faith in the Broncos (against an undefeated Arizona team) or Eagles (against the hapless Rams, and the best pick although most have already utilized this team) or Lions (against the Buff Bills, who have at times been Mr. Universe size and at times been like a frosh/soph wrestler).

The Swami has taken his time this morning, not rushing to post the Root at 2am as in previous weeks, because the Swami has no need for rushing on this fine Sunday. I will be breaking a rule, yes, and there are some times when rules must be broken -- this is one of those times. My survival will travel cross country with the Hawks of Seattle, where the Politically Incorrectskins of Washington await. The former is better, the latter in turmoil . . . but this is Week Five and so no pick is safe.

Mine is just safer than most.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt IV

Half a league, half a league, half a league onward, into the Valley of Death rode those 31 souls who went with good old-fashioned American Steel ... and a few select others, as noted below.

Week Four Statistics
65 undefeated at 4-0
70 with one loss at 3-1
31 week four losses
57 deceased

Almost one third of the participants have twice tasted the bitterness of defeat, which leaves 135 still alive and kicking. Only 65 remain unscathed, including yours truly and the brood. Little else is left to be said on this fine Thursday, except for a letter addressed to one Monsieur Woody.

Dear Woody,

I regret to inform you of your Suicide Pool loss in Week Four. I expect, however, that this news does not come as a shock in any way, given that death was likely your overall intent. One does not select the Raiders to win in any week and expect to taste glory on the other side, much less pick the Raiders to win in a week in which they battle the Beloveds. I will not call down the Swami Hex, however; it is obvious you are working through issues of your own and cannot think clearly, lest you would have confined your selection to American shores. I wish you the best of luck in future weeks. Knowing you cannot pick the Raiders again certainly improves your overall chances, as there are literally 31 better choices at hand.

Sincerely Yours,

Swami

PS - That is all.

The Root of the Week IV ... London Calling

When one glances at the schedule for Week Four of this most excellent 2014 NFL season, one realizes quite quickly that there are few, very few enticing options for risk-averse participants to choose from. It seems this means the masses are moving in divergent directions, which means the potential for chaos is high.

That, and participants be breaking rules all over the place. That sound you hear is the Reaper sharpening his scythe.

Let us consider your foolish ways in depths, oh masses, so that in future weeks or more likely future NFL seasons--should the weekend prove perilous--you might remember the wise words of Swami, you might heed the call, you might adhere to the rules.

There are four, merely four, slightly viable candidates this weekend. Three of this options, at first blush, break rules in dramatic fashion. The first game is my Beloveds at Oakland, but Rule #1 says never pick a team on the road. The second game is Tennessee at Indianapolis, but Rule #2 says never pick a team playing in its own division. And last, finally, last but certainly not least, so many of you, so very many, are taking the Chargers to win at home against the Jaguars, which demolishes Rule #3 which says NEVER EVER pick a game (for or against) that involve the Chargers before Week Six. 

I am actually concerned, because some of those participants picking the Chargers are those who have been with us for years. You know who you are. Been here for years, but seemingly not long for the world. Rule #3 is sacrosanct, the most unbreakable of all.

Don't pick the Chargers before Week Six. Don't pick the Chargers before Week Six. Don't pick the Chargers before Week Six. Rinse, Repeat.

Which leaves the Steelers as the obvious choice, at home, out of division, with nary a bolt in sight. Still, Big Ben versus the Bucs leaves little in the way of secure feelings at night, and twas in this moment that realization struck and the pathway was clear: the road game at Oakland is not so much a "road" game given the Silver and Black need travel seven thousand miles. 

And so it came to pass that the Swami came to rest upon his Beloveds in Week Four, as fine a place to rest as ever there was, and after a spot of tea and a dance with the Queen on a fair and overcast Sunday afternoon, so too would it come to pass that the Swami and his brood would pass unscathed to Week Five.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt III

When does the Tuesday Taunt become the Thursday Taunt? When the Swami sleeps through the first part of the week after having suffered an insufferable Sunday in which all but four emerged unscathed.

Four. Four losses only.

I am rooting for you all to see Week Five, when the scythe is sharpest and the bitter chaos is so sweet upon my lips, but this is a little ridiculous. Even the Cowboys won, which is saying something.

Weekly Statistics
192 participants
87 undefeated
79 with one loss
26 deceased

I imagine Week Four will be far, far different. I am already hearing rumblings that there are those of you bold enough to break that most sacred of rules, Rule #3. How did that turn out for you in Week Two? Ah yes. Very well then, like the Lobster Thermador, I recommend it, señor.

That is all.

What Says the Swami's Crystal Sphere . . . Special Edition Root of the Week III

Remember the words, the way they sound as the echo across the mind, the feelings they inspire as the echoes take root and understanding sprouts therefrom. Remember where first you were when recognition struck, when the first flash of insight lifted the wool off thine innocent eyes. Remember, also, how deep the truths put forth in this place, deep like the calm, dark waters of Marianas.

The Sphere of Crystal has bee consulted, and its mysterious and shrouded visions and half-truths have been deconstructed, and are now understood, and the Swami has been summoned to bring its tidings and bear forth its fruits. Listen you now to what the Swami says.

#1 - The 49ers of San Fran will have a season not unlike the streets of their titular namesakes, be it the ups and downs of rolling trolley-laden hills or the booms and busts of those who pan the river beds. Eight wins does not a playoff team make.

#2 - The Suicide Pool will not reach the NFL playoffs, but fear not those who have found themselves crushed heretofore, for a Second Life is coming and will be upon you soon.

#3 - The Broncos of Mile High will cruise to the playoffs, but will struggle in the playoffs ... but will still return to the Superbowl.

#4 - The Seahawks of Seattle will lose more regular season games (5) than anyone expects ... but will also still return to the Superbowl.

#5 - The Bengals of Cincy Town are the quickest team to reach 10 wins ... but do not advance past the Division Playoff Round.

#6 - My Beloveds earn a Wild Card berth on a tiebreaker by virtue of a head-to-head win against the Chargers of Saint Di-ago in Week Eight.

#7 - Ray Rice suits up for a team in the NFL in 2014.

#8 - This will be Jason Garrett's final season with the Boys of Cow from D-Ville.

#9 - Week Four will feature the Bears of Chicago taking on the Packers of Green Bay. And in the end, the Bears will triumph by kicking an oblong ball made of pigskin through a big "H". It will be a most ripping victory. Still, the Packers will win the rematch ... and the division.

#10 - With a fine quartet of victories in 2014, Rams of St. Louis coach will (and not for the first time) look in the mirror, consider himself, and say out loud to no one listening, "Why did I not take the freakin' Fins job?"

#11 - After a disastrous 2013, the Dirty Birds resume their rightful perch as the Indianapolis Colts of this teen years decade ... winning bunches of regular season games before choking their playoff lives away.

#12 - The winner of the Saints of New Orleans versus the Lions of Detroit will earn the final NFC Wild Card spot. The Swami likes the Saints in a season-long comeback bid from their 0-2 hole.

#13 - NFC Playoff Teams: Seahawks, Packers, Falcons, Eagles, Cardinals, Saints.

#14 - AFC Playoff Teams: Broncos, Bengals, Patriots, Texans, Dolphins, Bills.

#15 - The Broncos square off against the Seahawks again in the Big Dance, and while the contest is much more competitive this time around, the NFL crowns its first repeat winner in over a decade.

As for the Root, which exists in underlying purpose, there is little to say except the masses roll forth together in this Third Week, placing their collective faith in Foxboro. Will a little Brady Twitter Tuck Rule trolling enrage the rageless Raiders to reach puberty and find their ... ? Well, you know. Methinks not. The Swami rides with the masses on Patriot wings, as well.

So it is written. So it shall be done.

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt II

You see, my friends . . . the Swami knows. The Swami does not have rules for no reason, they exist for your protection. Many of you elected to heed the bells of warning, not so much some of the others.

Swami was asked this past week about the Seahawks and the 49ers as prospective picks, roads which a collective forty participants went down in Week Two ... and thus went down in Week Two. Heed the rules, my friends, and submit not to temptation, lest you, too, be struck by the highly-charged lightning of Suicide.

Rule #3 - Do Not, Do Not, Do Not Choose the Chargers, Either For or Against, Before Week Six ... The Chargers have burned too many participants to trust them at all with your Suicide lives, and yet several brave souls broke the rules ... and perished.

It just so happens that I also picked the Bears to win their Week Two matchup with the 49ers. Seemed like the classic bounce back game, and the 49ers are not that strong to begin with. Prepare yourself for my Twenty Bold Predictions, coming later this week once I have had time to consult with my crystal ball.

Which saw chaos coming this week, and chaos there was in spades. Quick statistics for the masses on this fine late evening:

Weekly Statistics
192 participants
89 undefeateds
69 with one loss
64 week two losers
63 week one losers
24 deceased

And so we bid a fine farewell and a safe adieu to the 24 lost souls who will wander the halls, and sidewalks, and streets of their byways, waiting four someone to shepherd them home. The shepherd is coming soon, sharpening his scythe for that coming day, when he will walk fully and forcefully amongst you. Prepare for that day, and his wrath.

That is all.

The Root of the Week II

There is cute. There is innocent. There is precious. There are those things, and then there is football, which is not cute, not innocent, not precious. Not even close. Nor will the action be such things come the morrow, when the masses place their collective faith in a multitude of teams ... which basically means not one has any clue what is happening. 

The Broncos? Many of you seem to think this is a quality pick. Let us not forget the Swami Rules for survival: #1 - Do not pick a team on the road. #2 - Do not pick a team playing in its own division. #3 - Do not pick the Chargers for or against before Week Six. And so I repeat, the Broncos? A heavy favorite, for sure, but in its own division means never a "for sure" lock.

The 49ers? The biggest facade in the League at present. A desperate Bears team with weapons to spare little resembles a hapless Boys squad held together by Romo and glue. The upset special of the week.

The assortment of single-takers, which include this week the Seahawks, Titans, Saints, Steelers, and (excitingly) even my Beloveds? A few of these bold against-the-grain-goers always get sliced off like fat from a prized steak.

Which leaves but one clear choice for greatness this Week Two of 2014, one clear choice for moving forward unscathed. The Swami shall take this choice, along with a good number of others, and ride the talented arm of Mister Rodgers and the whole of his neighborhood.

So it is written. So it shall be done.

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt I

The horses have left the gates, my friends. Hang on to your hats and glasses, Suicide 2014 has begun, and this here's the wildest ride in the wilderness. Things one might find in the wilderness? Let us discuss, I am feeling introspective and I want to introspect. Things one might find in the wilderness:

# - Bears, for one. Lovely, cuddly bears, or a big grizzly, or perhaps a Bear that has woken from hibernation too early, wandering around shell-shocked in the dark and gloom with all 47 of those unfortunate souls who tasted the bitter ash of Week One defeat.

# - Eagles, for another. The kind that soars high above the fray, glorious and majestic, but perhaps also the kind that drinks too much the night before, rolls out of the nest, fumbles around the Foles, and drops like an anvil before finally getting those feathers spread open enough to join his glorious fellows and carry 87 of us on the wind beneath his wings.

Things you will not find in the dog-eat-dog, natural selection, strongest survive wilderness? Parity, which seems to exist --- as has been discussed ad nauseum on the Swami Blog --- in spades in this modern era of the National Football League (feel free to channel Chris Berman upon reading the previous trio of words).

How might one come to such a conclusion? Easy, I have written it on the Internet, and therefore it must be true. This is the way the world works. However, were one looking for more proof, it might be simpler to provide a few facts (and for those who work in government, facts are things that are indisputably the case, like global warming, breakfast boosting metabolism, or Scientology).

Fact #1 - Sixteen teams were chosen in Week One, half the available NFL field. 
Fact #2 - Half the teams chosen won.
Fact #3 - Half the teams chosen lost.

Parity 1, Inequality 0.

The numbers, for those counting at home, are up this year in smashing fashion. There are 192 lovely souls on the line, ready to test their mettle against the might of the Suicide Reaper, taker of life, bringer of darkness, lord of the scythe. The number might even climb if there are any late write-in entries that did not make this post. As I've said before, lovingly and caringly, more participants means more potential for utterly bone-headed moves. 

Yes, I said BONE-HEADED moves. Like picking against my Beloveds, and risk not only the loss, but the wrath and burden of the Swami Hex. How did that Pats pick work out for you, Mr and Mrs Smith, Bootleg Right, and Monkey? Like the Battle of Camden*. Enjoy it.

You were not alone. With thanks to the Bears, Chiefs, Saints, Bucs, Chargers, Colts, Raiders, and Patriots, fully one-third of the field took the first haircut and buzzed the tower. Below the hard deck does not count, however, so all participants live to lose another day.

Weekly Statistics
192 participants
129 undefeateds
63 with one loss
16 teams chosen
8 losing teams
3 bets against the Beloveds
1 bet on the Raiders

The bell has sounded. The horses have left the gates. The "Liu Xiang 63" have fallen, but the rest continue on unscathed. And so in the immortal words of the Piano Man himself, "And so it goes, and so it goes, and so will you soon I suppose."

That is all.

*Too soon?