What Says the Swami's Crystal Sphere . . . Special Edition Root of the Week III

Remember the words, the way they sound as the echo across the mind, the feelings they inspire as the echoes take root and understanding sprouts therefrom. Remember where first you were when recognition struck, when the first flash of insight lifted the wool off thine innocent eyes. Remember, also, how deep the truths put forth in this place, deep like the calm, dark waters of Marianas.

The Sphere of Crystal has bee consulted, and its mysterious and shrouded visions and half-truths have been deconstructed, and are now understood, and the Swami has been summoned to bring its tidings and bear forth its fruits. Listen you now to what the Swami says.

#1 - The 49ers of San Fran will have a season not unlike the streets of their titular namesakes, be it the ups and downs of rolling trolley-laden hills or the booms and busts of those who pan the river beds. Eight wins does not a playoff team make.

#2 - The Suicide Pool will not reach the NFL playoffs, but fear not those who have found themselves crushed heretofore, for a Second Life is coming and will be upon you soon.

#3 - The Broncos of Mile High will cruise to the playoffs, but will struggle in the playoffs ... but will still return to the Superbowl.

#4 - The Seahawks of Seattle will lose more regular season games (5) than anyone expects ... but will also still return to the Superbowl.

#5 - The Bengals of Cincy Town are the quickest team to reach 10 wins ... but do not advance past the Division Playoff Round.

#6 - My Beloveds earn a Wild Card berth on a tiebreaker by virtue of a head-to-head win against the Chargers of Saint Di-ago in Week Eight.

#7 - Ray Rice suits up for a team in the NFL in 2014.

#8 - This will be Jason Garrett's final season with the Boys of Cow from D-Ville.

#9 - Week Four will feature the Bears of Chicago taking on the Packers of Green Bay. And in the end, the Bears will triumph by kicking an oblong ball made of pigskin through a big "H". It will be a most ripping victory. Still, the Packers will win the rematch ... and the division.

#10 - With a fine quartet of victories in 2014, Rams of St. Louis coach will (and not for the first time) look in the mirror, consider himself, and say out loud to no one listening, "Why did I not take the freakin' Fins job?"

#11 - After a disastrous 2013, the Dirty Birds resume their rightful perch as the Indianapolis Colts of this teen years decade ... winning bunches of regular season games before choking their playoff lives away.

#12 - The winner of the Saints of New Orleans versus the Lions of Detroit will earn the final NFC Wild Card spot. The Swami likes the Saints in a season-long comeback bid from their 0-2 hole.

#13 - NFC Playoff Teams: Seahawks, Packers, Falcons, Eagles, Cardinals, Saints.

#14 - AFC Playoff Teams: Broncos, Bengals, Patriots, Texans, Dolphins, Bills.

#15 - The Broncos square off against the Seahawks again in the Big Dance, and while the contest is much more competitive this time around, the NFL crowns its first repeat winner in over a decade.

As for the Root, which exists in underlying purpose, there is little to say except the masses roll forth together in this Third Week, placing their collective faith in Foxboro. Will a little Brady Twitter Tuck Rule trolling enrage the rageless Raiders to reach puberty and find their ... ? Well, you know. Methinks not. The Swami rides with the masses on Patriot wings, as well.

So it is written. So it shall be done.

That is all.

Swami Says . . .

When the sun shines, the world brightens. When the earth quakes, the world trembles. When life ebbs, the world weeps. When the Swami speaks, the world listens.

And brightens and trembles and weeps, for there is joy and merriment, and chaos and devastation, and gloriousness and gallantry in every word writ large on the pages of the Suicide blog, and none more so than in those days before the coming of the storm, such as we now enjoy.

Sit, then, my friends, and heed these words. The crystal ball has been consulted, and understood, and listen you now to the fruits of that summoning. Listen now to what the Swami says.

#1 - Pittsburgh will not win eight games.

#2 - Behind Carson Palmer's arm and Bruce Arian's mind, Arizona will finish a strong 2nd in the NFC West, but just miss out on the last wild card spot.

#3 - Dallas will win the NFC East and reach the 2nd round Divisional Championship Game.

#4 - Sexy Rexy does not last the season in New York.

#5 - Colin Kaepernick will follow the follow the mold of Cam Newton, and ride his mojo-filled first year into a subpar second. Newton himself will let his emotion get the best of him, and have to apologize for some stupid statement after their Week 5 loss to the Cards.

#6 - My Beloveds earn the Wild Card berth.

#7 - The Bengals earn a bye, but lose their first playoff game at home.

#8 - The Saints win 12 games.

#9 - Contrary to popular opinion, the Cleveland Browns will not have a good season.

#10 -  The Raiders will continue to suck.

#11 - Superbowl XLVIII will feature the Houston Texans and the Seattle Seahawks, won in bad weather by the Houston ground game.

#12 - Phillip Rivers gets his groove back, but the Chargers still won't win a bunch of games. They will trade up three spots to draft Marqise Lee at #5 overall in 2014.

#13 - The Ravens miss the playoffs by one game.

#14 - The Colts have a solid season, but also miss the playoffs by one game.

#15 - Chip Kelly and Michael Vick prove a match made in heaven.

#16 - The Atlanta Falcons lose 7 games.

#17 - The NFC North is dominated by mediocrity.

#18 - Chip Kelly and Andy Reid both find exceptional success in their first year with new teams. Philadelphia and Kansas City will meet for the NFC Championship Game within three seasons' time.

#19 - Cowboys, Seahawks, Packers, Lions, Saints, Falcons from the NFC.

#20 - Texans, Bengals, Broncos, Chiefs, Patriots, Dolphins from the AFC.

So it is written. So it shall be done.

That is all.