Friday Taunt III

For many years now I have been using this image, the scythe-wielding Grim Reaper. It comes out once per year after a week of dramatic destruction. The Reaper has most often made his appearance in Week Five; patterns developed over the first four weeks are ransacked in the fifth, and the Reaper reaps the benefit.

The Reaper has never before appeared in Week Three -- and has never before presided over a week with as much devastation as Week Three of 2018. Quite simply, the results were breathtaking.

First, the Vikings, also known as the biggest upset in NFL history. A "project" rookie QB surrounded by medium talent on the road against the roster considered by many to be the most complete in the entire league. Seventeen point favorites ... who were down by several more points than that by the end of the first quarter. The Vikings were BOAT-RACED. They took 92 participants with them -- by itself, this one loss would've been enough to enter the Top Three of Worst Weeks Ever.

But then came the Jaguars and Patriots. The Jaguars? An inexplicable loss. The Patriots? Not quite as inexplicable given they were playing a team with inside info, but still: the Lions? Really, Tom?

Grand total: 125 participant losses in one week. We have only 11 undefeated teams left and it's only Week Four. The Reaper has already swept 63 participants under the blade of his scythe, twice. It's a brutal, brutal year.

Week Three Stats
11 undefeated
86 with one loss
125 week three losers
63 deceased

That is all.

The Root of the Week III

The Swami Clan is in the market for Cousins and so to the Cousin's Market we shall go. After a moderate scare in the the Heavenly City -- you know, until Cleveland* -- we will turn our Week Three sights to the Twins.

The Bills are hapless and the iron-armed quarterback will do little to amend that point of fact. Therefore, still smarting off a tie to their fiercest division rival, the merry band of Cousin Men will ready their wooden ships and their horned helmets and search for their place in Valhalla on the field of glorious battle.

They will find it. Vikings across the board.

That is all.
                                                                                                                                                                                                     

Friday Taunt III

There is no point to argue: the man is the GOAT. This is of course coming from an unabashed Marino lover; #13 is the best pure thrower of all-time, but cannot be the GOAT with the RINGS. Bradshaw, Montana, Elway, Manning, etc, etc, etc. If someone wants to make a strong case for Otto Graham, I'm all ears. But Brady is the GOAT - and I do not see anyone dethroning him. It's a very exclusive company that is allowed to call Tom Brady; as Kobe says, he'll pick up on the fifth ring. 

More magic in Foxboro as the masses avoid a massive scything; we still drop-kicked a fair number. Twenty-seven fell victim in Week Three to the Broncos, Panthers, Seahawks, Steelers, Ravens, and yes even my Beloveds felled a fair few.

Week Three Stats
159 participants
101 undefeated
47 with one loss
11 deceased

Week Four is right around the corner - a fair few have already advanced with a Thursday night Packers win. It is on the rest of us to join them.

That is all.

The Root of the Week III

An early Root this week, Week the Third, as Swami does not know what his wireless capabilities will be come Saturday night as he will be meditating in a hut in the middles of the Himalayas, looking for enlightenment and a small spec of a sense of what will transpire in weeks to come in this most excellent NFL 2017 season.

One thing to be banked on fully? New England will not lost two games in a row at home.

Do you think the Houston Texans are already game planning for Week Four, just because this weekend is likely to be such a catastrophe? Perhaps they think they would be better served preparing for Tennessee?

The Swami moves en masse on the Patriots -- Swami, Spawn, Lady Avery, Factor, and Darth -- and feels extremely happy to be advancing to Week Four.

That is all.

The Root of the Week III

Ah, 'tis a glorious weekend, indeed.

Few are the spaces of calm one finds in this era in which we live, fewer and farther still between do such moments provide depth of quality thought or flashest of purest insight; it is for this reason specifically that such moments must be treasured.

I will treasure this moment, the calm before the Sunday storm, as we watch my Beloveds take center stage as the most popular selection in Week Three. What's more, the selection of the Beloveds does not break any rule, not one, and incurs no Hex ... quite the opposite in fact.

And so as Saturday comes to a close and the game in South Florida kicks off in just over ten hours, I will say thank you to those who put your faith in the Fish, thank you to those who honor the Beloveds this week, and that I, as well, and the whole of my clan will put ourselves on the line along with you.

Dolphins 31, Browns 16.

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt II (Wednesday Version)

We bid adieu to five special gentlemen, the first five, heretofore known as the Five Guys. Disclaimer: the excellent burger chain has not sponsored this post in any way, shape, or form, but if you know someone who owns a Five Guys franchise, I am happy to accept sponsorship.

We bid adieu to Lloyd Bridges (looks like he picked the wrong week to stop picking winners) and D-White 03 (just the bronze entry anyway) and Runs Like a Gurley (excellence in namesmanship does not always mean excellence in gamesmanship) and Amazingandre 05 (fifth-most amazing means uno dos, adios) and Bonanza (found a nice large stash of cubic zirconia).

Goodbye, gentlemen. Until next season.

As for the rest, we have found a good deal of success thus far: 148 souls still reside in the land of the unblemished. Only the aforementioned five have crossed over, leaving the remaining 49 living with one foot already in the frying pan. As always, when it comes to movie quotes and metaphors, watch me for the changes and try and keep up, ok?

On another topic, I have long considered adding a sixth rule to the Pool. Ultimately, there is no need, few follow the rules to begin with -- hence the usual devastation and chaos -- but still, I've got a piece to speak, and blow hot or cold I'm going to speak it. One of my own personal informal rules is, never ever never pick the Raiders to win.

And yet ... and yet ... few seem to share this rule.

Thirteen participants, including many a Swami-pool veteran, went with the Raiders this past weekend ... and lo and behold, the silver and black swept them away. Please tell me, at what point over the course of the last decade have the Raiders inspired even an ounce of confidence? I was shocked to see the Raider picks roll in, shocked to see there were double digit numbers, and then not surprised in the slightest to watch them derail. I'm still not adding this as an official rule, five seems a gloriously round number for rules, but feel free to remember this as as a sixth little unspoken rule.

To the statistics:

Weekend Stats - Week Two
202 participants
148 undefeated at 2-0
49 with one loss
30 week two losers
5 deceased via uno dos

Week Three awaits. Remember the rules. One last note: for those who have the Swami Hex upon them, I will extend this one time offer: put your support behind the Beloveds in Week Three, and the Hex shall be removed.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt III

When does the Tuesday Taunt become the Thursday Taunt? When the Swami sleeps through the first part of the week after having suffered an insufferable Sunday in which all but four emerged unscathed.

Four. Four losses only.

I am rooting for you all to see Week Five, when the scythe is sharpest and the bitter chaos is so sweet upon my lips, but this is a little ridiculous. Even the Cowboys won, which is saying something.

Weekly Statistics
192 participants
87 undefeated
79 with one loss
26 deceased

I imagine Week Four will be far, far different. I am already hearing rumblings that there are those of you bold enough to break that most sacred of rules, Rule #3. How did that turn out for you in Week Two? Ah yes. Very well then, like the Lobster Thermador, I recommend it, señor.

That is all.

What Says the Swami's Crystal Sphere . . . Special Edition Root of the Week III

Remember the words, the way they sound as the echo across the mind, the feelings they inspire as the echoes take root and understanding sprouts therefrom. Remember where first you were when recognition struck, when the first flash of insight lifted the wool off thine innocent eyes. Remember, also, how deep the truths put forth in this place, deep like the calm, dark waters of Marianas.

The Sphere of Crystal has bee consulted, and its mysterious and shrouded visions and half-truths have been deconstructed, and are now understood, and the Swami has been summoned to bring its tidings and bear forth its fruits. Listen you now to what the Swami says.

#1 - The 49ers of San Fran will have a season not unlike the streets of their titular namesakes, be it the ups and downs of rolling trolley-laden hills or the booms and busts of those who pan the river beds. Eight wins does not a playoff team make.

#2 - The Suicide Pool will not reach the NFL playoffs, but fear not those who have found themselves crushed heretofore, for a Second Life is coming and will be upon you soon.

#3 - The Broncos of Mile High will cruise to the playoffs, but will struggle in the playoffs ... but will still return to the Superbowl.

#4 - The Seahawks of Seattle will lose more regular season games (5) than anyone expects ... but will also still return to the Superbowl.

#5 - The Bengals of Cincy Town are the quickest team to reach 10 wins ... but do not advance past the Division Playoff Round.

#6 - My Beloveds earn a Wild Card berth on a tiebreaker by virtue of a head-to-head win against the Chargers of Saint Di-ago in Week Eight.

#7 - Ray Rice suits up for a team in the NFL in 2014.

#8 - This will be Jason Garrett's final season with the Boys of Cow from D-Ville.

#9 - Week Four will feature the Bears of Chicago taking on the Packers of Green Bay. And in the end, the Bears will triumph by kicking an oblong ball made of pigskin through a big "H". It will be a most ripping victory. Still, the Packers will win the rematch ... and the division.

#10 - With a fine quartet of victories in 2014, Rams of St. Louis coach will (and not for the first time) look in the mirror, consider himself, and say out loud to no one listening, "Why did I not take the freakin' Fins job?"

#11 - After a disastrous 2013, the Dirty Birds resume their rightful perch as the Indianapolis Colts of this teen years decade ... winning bunches of regular season games before choking their playoff lives away.

#12 - The winner of the Saints of New Orleans versus the Lions of Detroit will earn the final NFC Wild Card spot. The Swami likes the Saints in a season-long comeback bid from their 0-2 hole.

#13 - NFC Playoff Teams: Seahawks, Packers, Falcons, Eagles, Cardinals, Saints.

#14 - AFC Playoff Teams: Broncos, Bengals, Patriots, Texans, Dolphins, Bills.

#15 - The Broncos square off against the Seahawks again in the Big Dance, and while the contest is much more competitive this time around, the NFL crowns its first repeat winner in over a decade.

As for the Root, which exists in underlying purpose, there is little to say except the masses roll forth together in this Third Week, placing their collective faith in Foxboro. Will a little Brady Twitter Tuck Rule trolling enrage the rageless Raiders to reach puberty and find their ... ? Well, you know. Methinks not. The Swami rides with the masses on Patriot wings, as well.

So it is written. So it shall be done.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt III

It seems to me there are some of you who are not quite sure what you're doing. For instance, when the Swami says the Seattle Seahawks are the biggest Lock Pick in the history of the Suicide Pool, when they are favored by 20 points, and when the only question is when and by how much they will cover, you pick the Seattle Seahawks.

I am not shocked that 94 of you did just that. I am shocked that there were 63 of you who did not.

Like a 5-year old stepping off the platform of a 4-story zip line in Lake Tahoe, 63 participants took a plunge with little knowledge of what would happen come the end of the line. But while the Son of Swami stuck his own landing and hauled himself to safety, 24 of you clipped it and plummeted to a very painful Week Three loss.

And so here we stand with our Week Three statistics, which feature a bevy of undefeated beauties . . . though not as many as should be.

Week Three Stats
94 undefeated at 3-0
58 with one loss
24 week three losers
8 deceased

It should also be noted that the Suicide Pool is often cruel and often fickle, and so we bid adieu to Dr. L and That Guy, who both went undefeated in the regular season last year, but have accumulated a pair of losses already in 2013. We also say goodbye to veterans Wick & Chick and Dawg Pound, who will burn and bark no more, and Bootleg Right, who booted himself right on out the door.

Perhaps next time when the Swami speaks, the masses will listen.

That is all.

The Root of the Week III

"I hear you have a great big line. May I see it please?"

So were these words spoken at every sports book in America in recent days, as word of the nearly three touchdown spread was passed down from degenerate to degenerate. It is unlikely many took up the mantle and laid down their dollars on a line so large, a Wahlbergian line as they say in the trenches of Nevada and also the San Fernando Valley --- but for purposes of Suicide, where no lines exist, the knowledge of 19 points given is like sweet, sweetest music.

And so like the children following the Pied Piper, the participants have followed that sweet music all the way to the Great Northwest, and so too has followed the Swami. There are a few holdouts, most electing the Mile High or the Land of 1000 Lakes or Beantown or the Bay, the greatest mass has moved to that land of so little sunlight, in what must be the biggest "lock" pick in Suicide history. Of course, we have seen this story play out before, and the Reaper is waiting. Pride cometh before the fall.

The Colonel sends his regards.

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt III

'Tis far, far too early for the Reaper to make his annual appearance on the pages of the Suicide blog, but it is safe to say that there will be no worse weekend for the participants of 2012 than that most recently ended, and so.

The scythe was swift and brutal, and lopped off a full on-third of the remaining field. 51 were ended for the second and final time, including for the earliest showing of his distinguished career, the Swami himself.

It should be mentioned that of the Swami, the Factor, and the Swami Spawn, only the Spawn remain undefeated. Which makes less than no sense, given the first-grade mentality of the selectors. Literally.

Weekly Statistics

135 participants
90 week three losers
18 undefeated
60 with one loss
57 deceased

Week Three came close to the record-setting Week Five of 2011, when 92 perished, but the argument can be made that this weekend was worse; most of the 2011 losses were first-timers. The second death for 51 makes the Reaper a very happy hell-spawn, and so.

I have no expectation for Week Four. In truth, perhaps those perished can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing they must not wade into the waters of this ridiculous season once more. Perhaps the old saying fits, and the living truly do envy the dead*.

That is all.

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*Of course, those dead do get a second shot at life with the Swami's Second Life Pool. See post below for more details and watch for the forthcoming email.