The Root of the Week XVII

Thus far it's a symphony of picks this weekend, with the masses going either Redskins, Lions, Steelers, Falcons, or 49ers. Not all will find their way to the finish line, methinks, but then again me has thought wrong two weeks in a row.

The Swami rolls with Jimmy G and his red-hot band of goldsmiths. I thank the little Sheep for sitting pretty much their entire team.

That is all.

The Root of the Week IX

The cream always rises. In this crazy chaotic NFL season, the cream is rising sooner rather than later --- as evidenced by the masses of participants no longer even inside the bottle.

As usual, the masses are moving in different directions, but the Seahawks (yes, those responsible for significant losses this year) and the Bengals (yes, those who have been playing too poorly of late) are the primary winners.

As for the Swami and his brood, as follows: the wife is on the Chiefs, the girl is on the 49ers, the boy is on the Chiefs, and the Swami himself does indeed like the Tigers to maul the lowly Jags in a battle of the big cats.

That is all.

The Root of the Week VIII

The Detroit Lions of 2008 went the entire season without a single win, and they worked very hard to do so. Several games went down to the wire, three finished with spreads of four points or less, five inside a touchdown. More were closer than the score would suggest, with the Kittens giving up late touchdowns while hope remained to pad the score. They worked hard to lose games, snatching defeat from the jaws of victory on a regular basis.

Because they were competitive, the Suicide participant masses did not ride against them as much as one might suggest, particularly down the stretch. Their games were too close, their talent too . . . average . . . to be considered a loss surety.

None of these statements hold true for the Jacksonville Jaguars of 2013.

This team is terrible. Their average margin of loss sits just a hair under three touchdowns. They have been even remotely competitive in one --- count 'em, one --- game thus far, a 10 point loss to the juggernaut up north, the Oakland Raiders, with all of their own two wins. I see three winnable games remaining on their schedule, but who in their right mind would ever even think of picking the Jags to win.

The Rules are there for your safety, and the safety of others. But when the 49ers are coming into town and the Jaguars are the home team opponent, if there was ever a time to disregard the rules, this is it. The masses seem to agree with me.

Oh sure, there are other hot picks this week. The Saints are trendy, the Chiefs are also saddled up, and a smattering of picks have been spread around to the Broncos, Patriots, and Packers. But the 49ers are the big one for those who still have them available.

And why not? Jacksonville to lose has been the biggest bet game of the week in Weeks Three, Five, and Six, with many riding against them as well in Weeks Two, Four, and Seven. People actually picked the Raiders and Chargers to win---and survived. This more than anything tells you how bad Jacksonville truly is.

The Swami will tempt a little self-fate in Week Eight, and jump on the Jaguar dumping parade. I predicted 10 wins for the San Fran 49ers, even though they will miss the playoffs, and this is certainly one of them.

That is all.

*The above photo is accurate. The Jaguars did indeed select a punter five slots before Russell Wilson was selected in the third round of the 2012 NFL Draft. In the Jags defense, when you have Blaine Gabbert and Chad Henne as your quarterbacks, you need the best frickin' punter you can get your hands on.

The Suicide Pool Presents . . . Expert Picks & Dialogue

On the eve of the biggest dance of the year, as the Rays Lewis and Rice prepare to waltz with the long-legged Colin and his prospecting band, as the Harbrothers sit down to dine together before the great divergence, we present for the first time a special treat for the masses still satisfying their need for dialogue and whimsy via the Suicide Blog.

Fresh from the mountain, the dungeon, the wench house, and the crypt, and along with yours truly, the once and future Swami, we bring you expert picks and expert dialogue to savor and digest as you will.

From his dank crypt the Master of the Macabre picks:  49ers 28-17.
"Joe Flacco < Alex Smith < Colin Kaepernick. Also, I think the Ravens will give 100%, but the Niners are gonna give it 110%, even 120%."


From his office, offering unbilled advice, Man of Wench says:  Ravens 28-24.
"Kaep comes back to earth. Swami remains clueless."


From the depths of the darkside and the desk of the Hooded Fiend:  Ravens 27-24.     "The Ravens will be victorious, as America cheers on 'feel good' story of the post-season Ray Lewis in his quest to match Super Bowl rings with murders. Slight coaching advantage goes to the Harbaugh brother who doesn't wear a pen around his neck."

From atop the Zugspitze Ze German rants:  49ers 21-17.

"Mostly because I want blowhard sports commentators like Colin Cowherd, who say the Pistol is a gimmick, to shut up. Also, as human beings, the Ravens are just awful. Haloti Ngata broke RG3's knee, Joe Flacco forces his friends and wife to take douchie wedding photos (click here) and Ray Lewis is a murdering deer antler-licker. Plus, any post-game where I have to endure Ray Lewis's endless crying and Terrell Suggs's insufferable gloating will make me want to vomit. Auf Weidersehen, Ze German"

From my happy place the Swami says:  Ravens 31-26.

"In a game full of idiot players---arm kissers, rainbow haters, spray eaters, Junior Ginn, etc---I'll take Anquan Boldin, Michael Oher, and the honorable Harbrother. How d'ya like them nuggets?"

We wish those remaining at the end of all things, at the end of this phenomenal season of football, the best of luck. I will leave you with one last thought, for those contemplating thoughts of winning or losing: Carla was the prom queen.

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt X

I considered leading off with my old standby "Error 404" message, given my own technical issues with phone and computer this week, some of which are still ongoing. Unfortunate, but true. The Swami expects all will be well on the morrow, and so the official email update will not get out until Thursday night, sadly enough, but sadder still the moment will be for those who will be forced, upon its release, to relive the past weekend.

A tie is a loss in the Suicide Pool.

Let us flashback to Philadelphia 2009, when one not-so-young Donovan McNabb was quarterbacking the Iggles to glory and greatness---yeah, not so much. The last tie in the NFL sent a ripple through Suicide, as the language was not explicit enough and yours truly was pressed into fancy-foot-working and decision-making. All ended well, and well ended was the lack of clarity in the rules.

Which have since expressly stated that a tie is a loss, as several of you (read: 7 apx) most painfully discovered via the fools gold of the San Francisco 49ers. 

I will not mention the near devastation caused on Monday night, as it still pains me greatly with thoughts of what could have been with a meltdown of Steel. Several persons took their own pain to South Beach, as well---but the heavens know best how to salve my own pain sprung from a Beloved loss . . . and that is to take multiple participants down with them, both in the Suicide Pool and, most extraordinarily given the margin of victory, the Second Life. Even in defeat, my Beloveds make me proud.

That is all.