The Root of Marino Week

Well, something's gotta give. The Beloveds have lost five straight and the Broncos have lost seven straight. Therefore, playing at home, it is quite clear that the Beloveds are the favorite. The Swami will put the last remaining Swami Clan entry (aka the Factor) on the Beloveds to win in Marino Week - as it should be.

Most of you are on the Chargers with a smattering on the Jaguars.

You know what terrifies me? Picking the Chargers for any reason. You know what else terrifies me? Picking against winless teams once they hit the 0-10 mark. Desperation and the Chargers do not make for great bedfellows. Good luck to you.

That is all.

Friday Taunt VI

Got a package, people. My sincerest condolences to all those who elected to look to Steel a victory this past weekend, Week the Sixth, and came up disappointingly empty. Let it not be said that there were not warnings, let it not be said that we tried not to dissuade you.

The herd is beginning to thin. We lost 27 more for the second and final time with 20 more taking their first loss -- for those counting, almost one third of the pool took it on the chin thanks to the Packers, Broncos, Raiders, Eagles, and, of course, the Steelers. We bid adieu to those who have departed.

We have three weeks left (Seven, Eight, Nine) before the playoff rules kick in; I highly recommend you know what these are. Likewise, it is recommended that you review the spreadsheet to confirm your picks have been recorded correctly each and every week.

Weekly Statistics
202 participants
130 still alive
51 undefeated at 6-0
79 with one loss at 5-1
47 week six losers
27 departed for good
72 deceased

We enter Week Seven, some with exceptional confidence, some with wavering mindsets, some still in a full-scale panic. Ah, the gloriousness that is the Swami Pool. Long may it reign.

That is all.

Day of Wednes Double Taunt V

At long last, statistics. I know how long you have waited, I know how long you have salivated, I know how long you have chewed and chewed and chewed . . . so here I am to double your pleasure and double your fun with a healthy helping of Double Taunt for this most excellent Week the Fifth.

Let us begin with a flashback, however, to Week Four. It was not a pretty week, so I imagine a fair number of you were quite happy with a limited report -- after all, there is no need to wallow in the inferiority of your football acumen. The actual number of those who tasted bitter defeat in Week Four is 67, with a double dozen on their way out the door for good. Most damage was done at the hands of a trendy pre-season Superbowl matchup with the Pats and Cards doing it dirty, and coasting to losses. It might still happen, of course, those teams in the Big Dance, but that will not be of any consolation to those who dearly departed at their hands.

Week Four also saw a fair number of participants elect inexplicably to take the Bengals against the Beloveds, thereby bringing further down the Swami Hex upon themselves. It has become so rampant that the Update Spreadsheet now includes color coding to discern just who still has the Hex upon them, and woe be to those poor souls.

I also understand that some of you might be likely to look to ride the Steelers in Week Six; let me caution you against such foolishness. Manny P, Guapo, and the devilish HARLEYqWIN have already declared their intentions to visit Steeltown this week at the expense of the Beloveds; while it might seem tempting to follow an unabashed coquette like the pig-tailed Harley, there is naught but hex and heartache to be found at the end of that particular road.

Which brings us out of our comic-inspired digression and back into the glorious land of the pigskin, and the light-heartedness that we call Week Five. It was a casual affair, only a fine fifteen finding their way into the loss column -- with a ten-spot given the boot for the final time. It was a small but illustrious group of losers, including one previous winner and a pair of past-year finalists.

The Patriots and Steelers were the safe picks. I would like to add a special congratulations to Duster D 04, who accomplished something heretofore thought impossible: this bold man chose the Raiders to win, and won. Well played, sir. Well played, indeed.

And now we come to the moment you've all been waiting for, a Double Dose of the Weekly Statistics:

202 participants
157 still alive
71 undefeated at 5-0
86 with one loss at 4-1
56 deceased with two losses
41 losers on the cards week four
67 week four losers
15 week five losers
1 undefeated swami at 5-0
1 undefeated swami wife at 5-0
2 swami kids at 4-1

Week Six is around the corner, only one more week before the Rule ends and the Chargers can be selected once again. Only four more weeks before the Playoff Rules go into effect. If you do not know the Playoff Rules (and by rules I mean the actual logistics of the pool, not my own personal Swami rules) -- and these rules are vital so make sure you have them down. Basic strategy demands you do.

Nearly on third of the way there; to those who remain, well done. It is a success to have survived this long. Give yourself a hearty pat on the back -- nay, in honor of the double dose, give yourself two pats. Want someone else to pat your back for you? Well, the Reaper is happy to oblige.

Here endeth the Double Dose.

That is all.

The Root of the Week V

Much has been made in this space in recent weeks regarding the Swami's Rules for Survival. It is well known that to veer off course, to subject yourself to the chaos and devastation that inevitably follows when rules are not adhered to, is a poor way to spend a Sunday.

We will now swing the pendulum back the other direction, however, to analyze just when exactly the rules should be broken -- under what circumstances and what scenarios would the old saying "the exception proves the rule" be just that, the proper time and place for an exception. A timely question, indeed, given I myself will break a rule this week and take a road team to win.

First, the Unbreakable Rule -- there is no exception to picking against the Beloveds. You get the Hex, pure and simple. The next update will, in fact, have notations for all those entries who remain hexed, to help prove the point.

Second, the Chargers Rule -- I personally cannot remember if I have ever gone against this rule, the Chargers scare me mightily and have left so much devastation in their wake over the first third of seasons' past that it is impossible for me to put any sort of myself on them. Remember the Schottenheimer era, when the team would invariably sort 0-3 before winning 13 straight games then losing in the first round of playoffs pretty much every year? Devastation in their wake. Picking the Chargers is like a Hunger Games cornucopia: it looks so tempting, so enticing, until you get there. May the odds be ever in your favor.

Third, the multi-pick rule -- just good business. Why put every egg in the same basket. You can if you want to, there are exceptions here, but this is our "good strategy" rule, not specific to picking teams.

Which leaves the last two: don't pick a team playing within its own division and do not pick a team playing on the road. I'll be honest, it is near impossible to go an entire season without breaking one of these rules. You have to pick your spots, however.

Personally, I am very much against divisional match-ups; the teams know each other better than other teams in the league and divisional games are usually tough. Still, there are times where it might be beneficial, and exceptions can be made.

Occasionally it is acceptable to consider the idea of picking a team playing on the road, if certain other factoids speak in favor of the decision. Case in point: the Swami pick for this week is the New England Patriots to beat the Cleveland Browns. Cleveland has not looked awful in recent weeks, better than expected, and they are at home, so common logic and normal rule procedure would seem to preclude the notion of taking New England.

But ... Tom Brady is back. Tom Brady is pissed off. The Patriots got shut out at home last week. The Patriots are pissed off. Belichick rarely loses two games in a row. Belichick is pissed off. Pissed off Patriots tend to lead to big wins.

Hence, an exception can be made. Hence, the Swami rolls with the Patriots, as does the Factor and Darth Bennett. Mama Bear, having broken the rules one week too early, will look for Big Ben to chime out the victory call in Steeltown, USA.

A Double Update awaits you all on Tuesday. Best of luck on a safe trip through to Week Six.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt III

Hello, everybody, and a very pleasant good evening to you*. My Beloveds are about to take center stage on Thursday night football, which means it is actually a game that most of us can watch ... and four days after their win in South Florida, most of you are probably back to breathing normally again.

I, of course, never doubted it for a second. I am the Swami after all.

Not all have the same clairvoyance, however: forty souls dropped week three, ten for the second and final time. That represents just over 20% of the remaining field, a moderate number for a still-early season.

For those who picked the Beloveds last weekend, for those for whom this applies, the Hex is now officially off. If you elect to pick against the Beloveds next week or any week hereafter, the Hex be back upon you like Jobu on rum.

Weekend Statistics
202 participants
123 undefeated at 3-0
69 with one loss at 2-1
40 week three losers
15 deceased

Note: all four Swami clan members still remain alive (yours truly, The Factor, Mama Bear, and Darth Bennett). In Week Four, the clan will split and decisions will be made.

One hour to kickoff. Time to put on my orange wig, team poncho, and ceremonial gas mask. Gloriousness awaits.

That is all.

*Ah, Vin. Another Beloved. You will be missed.

The Root of the Week III

Ah, 'tis a glorious weekend, indeed.

Few are the spaces of calm one finds in this era in which we live, fewer and farther still between do such moments provide depth of quality thought or flashest of purest insight; it is for this reason specifically that such moments must be treasured.

I will treasure this moment, the calm before the Sunday storm, as we watch my Beloveds take center stage as the most popular selection in Week Three. What's more, the selection of the Beloveds does not break any rule, not one, and incurs no Hex ... quite the opposite in fact.

And so as Saturday comes to a close and the game in South Florida kicks off in just over ten hours, I will say thank you to those who put your faith in the Fish, thank you to those who honor the Beloveds this week, and that I, as well, and the whole of my clan will put ourselves on the line along with you.

Dolphins 31, Browns 16.

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt I

At this time I would like to introduce a very respected, very educated, very experienced participant in the Swami Pool ... myself. Allow myself to introduce myself, that I might once more shed some light on yonder poor, beleaguered heads. 

I know most of you survived this past weekend, and yet, was it really a victory? Christopher Guest just showed up to tell me he shaved one year of your life away, and for science, wants to know how it felt. Several prominent therapists and several successful cardiologists received calls on Monday morning, as the masses sought to calm the collective stress and anxiety produced by this most remarkable first Sunday of NFL play.

A quick detour into the land of definitions: 

near miss ... noun ... (1) a narrowly avoided collision or other accident; synonyms: close thing, near thing, narrow escape, close call, close shave, "two airliners were involved in a near miss yesterday" (2) a bomb or shot that just misses its target (3) when the Reaper's scythe sweeps overhead, but only clips a hair or two or three en route to a quiet first week.

It was a near miss of epic proportions this past weekend ... and the call was close specifically because you people did not follow the rules. The rules are there for your protection, to keep you safe, and yet like rebellious children you do not follow them. One last time, for the uninitiated:

Rule #1 - Don't pick a team on the road.

Rule #2 - Don't pick a team playing in its own division.

Rule #3 - Do not pick for or against the Chargers prior to Week Six.

Rule #4 - Do not use all multiple picks on the same team.

Rule #5 - Do not, not ever, pick against the Swami's Beloved Dolphins.

Adhere to the above rules without fail. Still, you did not. There were more than 110 Chiefs and Seahawks takers, all of whom needed an extra shot of booze during the day and an extra prozac that night, just to calm the craziness of those two games that were won by bare, barest of margins ... in games with picks that went expressly against the rules. There will be consequences. The Swami Hex is officially on 73 entries.

Quick Weekend Stats

199 participants

29 week one losers via the panthers, falcons, cowboys, colts, cardinals, rams

73 seahawks survivors with the swami hex now upon them

41 bold talkers of a road team in a division game, the chiefs

We currently sit at 199 entries (a new record) with a possible few more trickling in that I missed on the first pass at the spreadsheet. We will top 200 for the first time ever.

Onward we merrily roll as the Swami Suicide Pool of 2016 continues.

That is all.

Friday Taunt X

In considering all the different ways to go about this Friday Taunt, which is truly a celebration of carnage on massive scale, both mind and crystal ball kept coming back repeatedly to the same general thought: who dares pick against the Beloveds.

Who, indeed? Previous undefeated KayTay, as well as the following now deceased ne'er-do-wells: Nuttman, daShrink, three Big Nasties, CoastieCouple, True Fact, Mission Impossible, Monkey2, and Chupacabra. There are some serious Swami Pool veterans in that bunch ... knowst thou nothing?

The Swami Hex returned in vicious force in Week Ten - Jobu was out for blood. The angry little Haitian man was so angry, in fact, he pulled 20 other poor souls down with the Eagle-riding, Beloved-failing twelve. It was a Dirty Dozen that caused the wrath of Swami and his Jobu friend . . .

. . . and thus, coincidentally, it is a Dirty Dozen that remains.

Only twelve souls still survive. There are no undefeateds. Apparently the only thing you can do to survive a really bad week of carnage is choose the Steelers, who are the only team to have pulled a significant number out of the ashes of the Week That Shall Not Be Named, and now this ugly Week Ten.

Week 10 Stats
189 participants
0 undefeated
12 with one loss
177 deceased
35 week ten losers

*I will post the picks of the remaining twelve on the blog on Sunday night, then follow with a full update during the week.

We are battered and bruised, but perhaps now we have learned our lesson. No more rooting against the Beloveds. No more chaos and devastation. Only twelve remain. So goes forth the Dozen.


That is all.

The Root of the Week II

Goodbye doubt and indecision ... the field has narrowed its choices significantly for Week Two. Twenty teams selected? Nay, shocking it will be to make even one quarter of that number. 

And yet still, for the second week in a row, the field has largely gone away from the sound strategy that has produced winners in seasons' past. You do remember the name of the rules, don't you?

Most of the action this week lies on the Saints, and when they come marching in there will be joyous celebration throughout the lands. No slam dunk, however, the seemingly best pick still flaunts a broken rule: Tampa Bay and New Orleans share the same division. Even though the Saints are the home team and the Winston's are quarterbacked by an overrated rookie, this is still a broken rule.

No surprisingly, however . . . the Swami is breaking a rule of his own. No road teams? No problem. The Swami rides the Beloveds this weekend*. I bid you adieu, and look forward to meeting you in week the third.

That is all.

*The Beloveds are the Miami Dolphins, and should you wish to curry favor with Swami, waxing poetic about the beautiful Fish is a great way to start. Pick against them (hmmm, no one dumb enough this week) and you join the list of those who wear the Swami Hex, forever.

Thursday Taunt IV

Half a league, half a league, half a league onward, into the Valley of Death rode those 31 souls who went with good old-fashioned American Steel ... and a few select others, as noted below.

Week Four Statistics
65 undefeated at 4-0
70 with one loss at 3-1
31 week four losses
57 deceased

Almost one third of the participants have twice tasted the bitterness of defeat, which leaves 135 still alive and kicking. Only 65 remain unscathed, including yours truly and the brood. Little else is left to be said on this fine Thursday, except for a letter addressed to one Monsieur Woody.

Dear Woody,

I regret to inform you of your Suicide Pool loss in Week Four. I expect, however, that this news does not come as a shock in any way, given that death was likely your overall intent. One does not select the Raiders to win in any week and expect to taste glory on the other side, much less pick the Raiders to win in a week in which they battle the Beloveds. I will not call down the Swami Hex, however; it is obvious you are working through issues of your own and cannot think clearly, lest you would have confined your selection to American shores. I wish you the best of luck in future weeks. Knowing you cannot pick the Raiders again certainly improves your overall chances, as there are literally 31 better choices at hand.

Sincerely Yours,

Swami

PS - That is all.

The Root of the Monday Taunt XIV

A Lament for Loss of Light: One valiant soul laid brightly bare, the masses weep: O Time! O Time! Up and up he climbed the parlous stair, no stranger to heights ascended before, in days of yore, in Holy prime. Not this day --- the Light is no more.

We bid adieu to the Holy Light, who fell in the Fourteenth Week. There are now only five who remain, including yours truly, who trusted his Beloveds* and was not disappointed by the width of Antonio Brown's shoe.

Five, we five few: Hollandia, Lebanator, DADY, Pillow, and Swami. I know not what tomorrow brings, but on this day, in this place, there is brightness despite the loss of Light, and so will the Swami go forth, bearing the bold flag.

That is all.

*Note: the Swami Hex is alive and well. Only one remains of those who took the Saints over the Beloveds in Week 04. If I were Hollandia, I would be very, very afraid. That is truly all.

The Root of the Tuesday Taunt XIII

'Tis always sweet when the Beloveds stiff arm the New York Sexy Rexies, which was accomplished in glorious 20 point style on Sunday.

'Tis also sweet to survive Week Thirteen, as Swami did by teeth skin on the Patriots, and as the five other remaining participants did as well on the Lions, Cowboys, and Panthers.

It was a weekend in the mountains for Swami with nary an internet in sight, and so there was no official Root, although the participants did receive text messages informing them of my saddling of the Bostonian men.

Weekend Stats
160 participants
6 with one loss
154 deceased
0 undefeated

And so we merrily trudge along into Week Fourteen once more as a six-pack of participants, doing battle together and against on another, to see who will etch their victorious name in the hallowed halls of heavenly glory.

For those who fail, the Reaper awaits.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt IV

Listen to the rules and you won't get hurt. Many followed the rules this week, many did not. Those who did not fall into two categories: (1) those who broke the Swami's Rules; and (2) those who broke the Swami's heart.

Week Four Statistics
81 undefeated at 4-0
62 with one loss at 3-1
17 deceased 

Now, those who broke the Rules did not survive Week 04, as Death himself led a merry band of miscreants on a lovely little parade: 13 to the purgatory of one loss, 9 to their ultimate demise. And yet, these were the lucky ones.

Those who broke the Swami's heart, those who bet against the Beloveds, those who watched with glee on Monday night . . . let it be known that the Swami Hex does not dissipate after just one week. It is an everlasting curse, and no participant has ever won this pool in a season in which they bet against the Dolphins. So good luck, you 31 souls who survived this week, yes, but already I hear the sharpening of the scythe.

Week Five has long been known as one of the most dangerous in Suicide lore, and a Hex is no small thing to deal with. And if you hear that sweet, sweet music playing as the parade rolls by, let not your own heart be troubled as you rise, trance-like, and follow.

Jobu is waiting for you at the finish.

That is all.

The Root of the Week IV

How dare you.

How dare you dubious degenerates, looking to actively root against the Swami Beloveds on Monday night. Do you not know of the Swami wrath? Do you not know of the Swami Hex? 

The Reaper is grinning, his scythe sharpened, as he awaits yonder Tuesday morning, and the Swami waits to Taunt those who Saintly fell.

You still have time to change your pick. If you do not, and death awaits, do not say I did not warn you.

For the rest---those wiser, more compassionate, more amiable---I will direct my below comments to you.

Hello! I hope all is well with you, my friends, friends of years, friends of tears! I wish you all the best this week, Week the Fourth, and while normally I enjoy chaos and the creation of havoc, in this instance I am hoping your every pick comes through, your every hope and dream comes true. As for Swami, the choice proved difficult, but as the Chief myself of this pool, the answer came soon and swift enough.

Oh, and one more thing: as Tarantino Leo was apt to say, I am always looking for a good bit of fun, and so I will grant one free entry ($40 value) to the participant he or she who texts me the hometown birthplace of the first Dolphin to score a touchdown on Monday Night.

Jobu will be watching. The Swami hex be on those who ride the heavens.

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt X

I considered leading off with my old standby "Error 404" message, given my own technical issues with phone and computer this week, some of which are still ongoing. Unfortunate, but true. The Swami expects all will be well on the morrow, and so the official email update will not get out until Thursday night, sadly enough, but sadder still the moment will be for those who will be forced, upon its release, to relive the past weekend.

A tie is a loss in the Suicide Pool.

Let us flashback to Philadelphia 2009, when one not-so-young Donovan McNabb was quarterbacking the Iggles to glory and greatness---yeah, not so much. The last tie in the NFL sent a ripple through Suicide, as the language was not explicit enough and yours truly was pressed into fancy-foot-working and decision-making. All ended well, and well ended was the lack of clarity in the rules.

Which have since expressly stated that a tie is a loss, as several of you (read: 7 apx) most painfully discovered via the fools gold of the San Francisco 49ers. 

I will not mention the near devastation caused on Monday night, as it still pains me greatly with thoughts of what could have been with a meltdown of Steel. Several persons took their own pain to South Beach, as well---but the heavens know best how to salve my own pain sprung from a Beloved loss . . . and that is to take multiple participants down with them, both in the Suicide Pool and, most extraordinarily given the margin of victory, the Second Life. Even in defeat, my Beloveds make me proud.

That is all. 

The Root of the Week X

Ah, the glory of the orange and teal.

It seems more than myself will cheerlead the Beloveds this weekend, as they hold court at home versus the Titans of Tennessee. The Factor and the Spawn shall place their faith in the Fish, as well as Swami in Second Life, along with many of you. The Beloveds are on the up-and-up, and praise be to Philbin and all his merry men for bringing the sunshine back to the tip of the Sunshine State.

Let's look for a little Bush in the end zone this week, shall we? You know Curtis Armstrong will be watching, digging deep.

As for the rest of you, the root is on for Steel City this week, and you'll all have to wait until Monday night to watch them disassemble the hapless Chiefs. And for those not paying attention, Romeo Crennel has vowed to bench any player who commits a turnover; I'm not entirely sure how many men he'll have left by quarter four.

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt V

Weekend Statistics
61 participants
14 undefeateds
47 with one loss
14 week five losers

Oh, what a woeful group the losers are this week. Some fourteen in all, the general sentiment is that those who perished need not have perished, and deserve their defeat.

Why, you ask? Of what sin and woe doth the Swami speak?

Packers, Chargers, Bengals. Do not pick teams on the road. Do not pick the Chargers before Week Six. Do not pick against my Beloveds.

All of this is known, and yet . . . and yet . . . fourteen of you tempted fate. Fourteen souls got lost in the dark, not knowing or not caring to know, not following the Suicide law, and as such, fourteen souls perished. A sad day, but no one will ask why.

Which leaves us with 61 participants still standing, less than one-half the field only five weeks in, with lots more football to play. Perhaps playoff strategy begins to melt as week-to-week survival moves to the fore.

That is all.