Thursday Taunt V

He was so busy, so very busy those first three weeks, it seems the Reaper has gone on vacation. Seven losses total in Week Four and six losses total in Week Five; yes, our dear Reaper is no doubt sitting on a beach, sipping a Mai Tai, enjoying a little hard earned rest.

159 participants
11 players at 5-0
73 players at 4-1

6 players bearing the Swami Hex

76 deceased

It is clearly time to return, however -- the Swami Hex ensures there are several participants will meet the scythe coming very soon.

The Swami Hex, for those unfamiliar, falls upon the heads of those participants bold enough to pick against the Swami's Beloved team, the Miami Dolphins. For Week Five, there were several who picked against the Beloveds ... and now the Swami Hex has you, and off to Reaperland you will assuredly shortly go.

The beaches were lovely and the surf was divine, dear friend, but back to work you must now go. Beware, beware, and especially Bonanza, Festivus Monarchus, D-White, Ughhh Sand, and That Guy. The Swami Hex is yours.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt XIV

We near the end and we bid adieu to those who have breathed their final breaths: nine of our fellow brothers and sisters have fallen. There is but one undefeated remaining - the trusty veteran Mad Dog - but even he required a Packer comeback victory to survive Week 14. We said there would be losses, we said the Reaper was waiting ... and waiting he was, indeed. He waited in Bengal Land and he waited in Titan Territory, and he was not disappointed as nine felt the swipe of the scythe - but not him.

And so we enter Week 15 with just a handful of participants left, each step bringing us closer to the closing bell. Who will survive? How will it end? Only Truman knows for sure.

Week 15 Stats
159 participants
1 undefeated 
10 with one loss
9 week 14 losers
1 Swami entry remaining

So blow on those dice, wind up and let her rip. You dance with destiny awaits in Week 15.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt VI

Everyone needs a crystal ball - this crazy mixed up NFL season follows no discernible path or plan. There are no safe bets, none at all. Well, let me add a caveat to that statement.

Because Cleveland.

But aside from simply following the Browns around to pick against them, there is no safe harbor upon which to shuttle your anchor. Home teams? Not safe. Double digit favorites? Nope, not having it. The rules this season seem more like guide lines than rules, and many have been made to be broken.

Except "do not bet against the Beloveds", and shame on those who did.

Week Six Stats

159 participants

7 undefeated at 6-0, including Swami Clan members Spawn of Swami and the Factor

51 with one loss at 5-1, including the Swami himself plus Darth Bennett and Avery of Avalor

35 who rode the broncos to a mile-high defeat

21 who soared with the falcons

101 deceased

Good times a-comin in the Pool in Week the Eighth.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt IX

Ladies and gentlemen, we have only twenty-one undefeated participants left. Blackjack, winner winner, chicken dinner. We thank the Vikings (yet again) and the Packers for bestowing losses upon seventeen of us, knocking out nine and taking our group down into the seventies.

Weekend Statistics
202 participants
21 undefeated at 9-0
51 with one loss at 8-1
130 deceased

Playoff rules are now in effect, which means any team chosen from here on out cannot every be used again. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find those teams you think are good enough to make playoffs, but not win.

So, teams like the Bengals.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt III

Hello, everybody, and a very pleasant good evening to you*. My Beloveds are about to take center stage on Thursday night football, which means it is actually a game that most of us can watch ... and four days after their win in South Florida, most of you are probably back to breathing normally again.

I, of course, never doubted it for a second. I am the Swami after all.

Not all have the same clairvoyance, however: forty souls dropped week three, ten for the second and final time. That represents just over 20% of the remaining field, a moderate number for a still-early season.

For those who picked the Beloveds last weekend, for those for whom this applies, the Hex is now officially off. If you elect to pick against the Beloveds next week or any week hereafter, the Hex be back upon you like Jobu on rum.

Weekend Statistics
202 participants
123 undefeated at 3-0
69 with one loss at 2-1
40 week three losers
15 deceased

Note: all four Swami clan members still remain alive (yours truly, The Factor, Mama Bear, and Darth Bennett). In Week Four, the clan will split and decisions will be made.

One hour to kickoff. Time to put on my orange wig, team poncho, and ceremonial gas mask. Gloriousness awaits.

That is all.

*Ah, Vin. Another Beloved. You will be missed.

Thursday Taunt III

Three weeks, three weeks, fourteen more onward. All from the valley of Death rode the hundred six seven. Forward, our participant parade. Arise, Swami said; into the Third Week rode the hundred six seven.

Forward, our participant parade. Was there a man dismayed? Not though we all knew most of us had blundered. Ours not to look behind, ours not to excuses find, ours to resolve our mind; into the Third Week rode the hundred six seven.

Touchdown to the right of them, safety to the left of them, the Reaper right in front of them, to tear us asunder. Battered with scythe and shell, boldly we ride and well, into another week, into prognoses bleak, rode the hundred six seven.

When will our glory fade? Not soon, after such a charge we made. Despite the doubts that lingered under. Honor the charge we made, honor our participant parade, noble hundred six seven.

And so it is and shall be told in the annals of Swami lore, the tale of the one hundred sixty seven brave souls who responded to the devastation of the Week That Shall Not Be Named and return from the edge, from the brink, from the chasm to stand firmly, resolutely, and together, arms linked, for at least another week. Onward we roll as one into Week Four.

So it is written, so it was done.

That is all.

There Is No Taunt On This Sad, Sad Week II

"They stood resolved, and ready at the bell,
and candles light the places where they fell."

I know not where this day finds you. I know not from where you read this, not your circumstance nor your situation, nor whether your mood runs to merriment or melancholy, or some measure between.

I know not, and there is, truth be told, little knowledge to be had on this cold, cruel evening in the middle of the week. It is three days since the devastation of Sunday, just two since the cruel Reaper continued his rampage on Monday night. We are all still feeling it, all still carrying the burdens of what was, is, and will forever be . . .

. . . the single worst week in the history of the Swami Suicide Pool.

I do not think it will be possible to ever top such a week. I think we could take 200 brave souls, have them make picks independently for one thousand weeks straight, and still never come close to touching the sheer and utter carnage rained down upon us this week. Week Two of 2015 shall henceforth be known, like Voldemort, as the "Week That Shall Not Be Named."

Before the actual statistics and before I add some additional commentary, it is pertinent to discuss October of 2011, Week V. It is a flashback not many will want to flashback. Here is what was said then:

"It was carnage, utter and absolute; the single bloodiest weekend in the history of Suicide. 83 participants rode the Giants to their untimely demise, 92 took losses in total, and 37 perished for the second and final time. 102 remain alive, 78 with one loss. For those keeping track at home, a full two-thirds (66%) lost in Week Five. After five weeks in, only 16% remain undefeated. No one with multiple entries remains unscathed. The theme of the season is destruction, devastation, chaos."

This past weekend makes Week V of 2011 look like a few fine young people taking a pleasure cruise. Week II of 2015 is a few fine young people out for a pleasure cruise at night through eel-infested waters -- and everyone knows the shrieking eels are loudest right before they strike.

That sound you heard on Sunday? Well, they struck. Observe:

# - Two weeks into this short, deadly season, only 14 participants remain undefeated -- only fourteen!!?! 

# - The losses piled up in record numbers: 76 were denied heaven's pearly gates via the Saints; 37 thought they had avoided the bloodshed and rode their Colts into the ground on Monday; 26 liked the trendy Ravens pick, but quoted Poe, 'Nevermore.'; 25 wanted protection and took the Beloveds in honor of Swami, including the Swami himself, only to fall, sadly, along with all the rest; and the Rams, Eagles, and Titans all added multiple participants to their backing parties ... only to disappoint them with ridiculous losses.

For those counting at home, that is 174 losses suffered in total by the participants this week. 174??? WTF??? The single bloodiest, most devastating week in history. Our own personal Antietam. The number you are looking for is 88% ... 88% lost their lives. I have no words. 'Tis rare, yes, but I have no words to describe the scene. 

Some small measure can be found in this one last thought --- save for a few random undefeated survivors, the whole rest of the pool is in the same boat. So many bit the dust, the playing field is very nearly level.

And so onward we merrily roll in Suicide 2015.

That is all.                         

Thursday Taunt V

Meow.

The sound emanating from Ford Field on Sunday last: meow. 'Twas the Cubs that were responsible for 16 losses in Week Five -- all losses but one, and that was a default pick/panic.

Week Five has been a tough week for the majority of participants in years past, but the majority emerged unscathed in 2014, riding the Packers, Saints, Eagles, Seahawks, Steelers, and a smattering of others to success and survival. Still the losses are piling up as the numbers hit approximated thirds: one third undefeated, one third with one loss, one third out.

Weekly Statistics
58 at 5-0
67 with one loss
67 deceased
17 losers in Week Five
10 scythed for good in Week Five

Onward we merrily go into Week the Sixth. For those still undefeated, the sound you hear is the sweet sound of success, like harpers from heaven tugging the heartstrings of joy. For those with one loss, the sound you hear is the scrrch of the noose tightening around your neck, or perhaps the sllllfftt of the reaper sharpening his scythe. For those deceased, the sound you hear is . . . 

That is all.

Thursday Taunt IV

Half a league, half a league, half a league onward, into the Valley of Death rode those 31 souls who went with good old-fashioned American Steel ... and a few select others, as noted below.

Week Four Statistics
65 undefeated at 4-0
70 with one loss at 3-1
31 week four losses
57 deceased

Almost one third of the participants have twice tasted the bitterness of defeat, which leaves 135 still alive and kicking. Only 65 remain unscathed, including yours truly and the brood. Little else is left to be said on this fine Thursday, except for a letter addressed to one Monsieur Woody.

Dear Woody,

I regret to inform you of your Suicide Pool loss in Week Four. I expect, however, that this news does not come as a shock in any way, given that death was likely your overall intent. One does not select the Raiders to win in any week and expect to taste glory on the other side, much less pick the Raiders to win in a week in which they battle the Beloveds. I will not call down the Swami Hex, however; it is obvious you are working through issues of your own and cannot think clearly, lest you would have confined your selection to American shores. I wish you the best of luck in future weeks. Knowing you cannot pick the Raiders again certainly improves your overall chances, as there are literally 31 better choices at hand.

Sincerely Yours,

Swami

PS - That is all.

Thursday Taunt VII

Fifty Shades of Failure reads the epitaph for the seventh week of the Suicide Pool. Fifty fine souls, departed. Fifty men and women who waved their flags, but ring their bells no more. Fifty who found themselves on the short end of the stick.

Which brings to mind Ulysses, he of Fifty fame, to whom history has been---largely and regretfully, and wrongly---unkind, and thus also got the short end of the stick. I recommend you read about it, here or there: there is much to be learned and gleaned from the tales of history, and Grant particularly.

Weekend Stats
35 undefeated at 7-0
75 with one loss at 6-1
50 deceased

It was a wise man who said "the only new thing in the world is the history you don't know." The masses are moving, fifty have fallen, thirty-five remain unscathed with the remainder in-between. Will they heed the warnings of history or fly in the face of danger?

Will the Reaper sharpen his scythe after the quiet of Week 7? Yes, but it remains to be seen if he will get to use it.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt IV

Listen to the rules and you won't get hurt. Many followed the rules this week, many did not. Those who did not fall into two categories: (1) those who broke the Swami's Rules; and (2) those who broke the Swami's heart.

Week Four Statistics
81 undefeated at 4-0
62 with one loss at 3-1
17 deceased 

Now, those who broke the Rules did not survive Week 04, as Death himself led a merry band of miscreants on a lovely little parade: 13 to the purgatory of one loss, 9 to their ultimate demise. And yet, these were the lucky ones.

Those who broke the Swami's heart, those who bet against the Beloveds, those who watched with glee on Monday night . . . let it be known that the Swami Hex does not dissipate after just one week. It is an everlasting curse, and no participant has ever won this pool in a season in which they bet against the Dolphins. So good luck, you 31 souls who survived this week, yes, but already I hear the sharpening of the scythe.

Week Five has long been known as one of the most dangerous in Suicide lore, and a Hex is no small thing to deal with. And if you hear that sweet, sweet music playing as the parade rolls by, let not your own heart be troubled as you rise, trance-like, and follow.

Jobu is waiting for you at the finish.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt III

It seems to me there are some of you who are not quite sure what you're doing. For instance, when the Swami says the Seattle Seahawks are the biggest Lock Pick in the history of the Suicide Pool, when they are favored by 20 points, and when the only question is when and by how much they will cover, you pick the Seattle Seahawks.

I am not shocked that 94 of you did just that. I am shocked that there were 63 of you who did not.

Like a 5-year old stepping off the platform of a 4-story zip line in Lake Tahoe, 63 participants took a plunge with little knowledge of what would happen come the end of the line. But while the Son of Swami stuck his own landing and hauled himself to safety, 24 of you clipped it and plummeted to a very painful Week Three loss.

And so here we stand with our Week Three statistics, which feature a bevy of undefeated beauties . . . though not as many as should be.

Week Three Stats
94 undefeated at 3-0
58 with one loss
24 week three losers
8 deceased

It should also be noted that the Suicide Pool is often cruel and often fickle, and so we bid adieu to Dr. L and That Guy, who both went undefeated in the regular season last year, but have accumulated a pair of losses already in 2013. We also say goodbye to veterans Wick & Chick and Dawg Pound, who will burn and bark no more, and Bootleg Right, who booted himself right on out the door.

Perhaps next time when the Swami speaks, the masses will listen.

That is all.