The Root of the Monday Taunt XIV

A Lament for Loss of Light: One valiant soul laid brightly bare, the masses weep: O Time! O Time! Up and up he climbed the parlous stair, no stranger to heights ascended before, in days of yore, in Holy prime. Not this day --- the Light is no more.

We bid adieu to the Holy Light, who fell in the Fourteenth Week. There are now only five who remain, including yours truly, who trusted his Beloveds* and was not disappointed by the width of Antonio Brown's shoe.

Five, we five few: Hollandia, Lebanator, DADY, Pillow, and Swami. I know not what tomorrow brings, but on this day, in this place, there is brightness despite the loss of Light, and so will the Swami go forth, bearing the bold flag.

That is all.

*Note: the Swami Hex is alive and well. Only one remains of those who took the Saints over the Beloveds in Week 04. If I were Hollandia, I would be very, very afraid. That is truly all.

The Root of the Tuesday Taunt XIII

'Tis always sweet when the Beloveds stiff arm the New York Sexy Rexies, which was accomplished in glorious 20 point style on Sunday.

'Tis also sweet to survive Week Thirteen, as Swami did by teeth skin on the Patriots, and as the five other remaining participants did as well on the Lions, Cowboys, and Panthers.

It was a weekend in the mountains for Swami with nary an internet in sight, and so there was no official Root, although the participants did receive text messages informing them of my saddling of the Bostonian men.

Weekend Stats
160 participants
6 with one loss
154 deceased
0 undefeated

And so we merrily trudge along into Week Fourteen once more as a six-pack of participants, doing battle together and against on another, to see who will etch their victorious name in the hallowed halls of heavenly glory.

For those who fail, the Reaper awaits.

That is all.

Wednesday Taunt XII

And then there were six.

There is a new saying in the Suicide Pool: "Beware the double digits."

Since the turning of the Weeks from one digit to two, it has nothing short of sheer chaos and devastation for the masses. It has been destruction on an unparalleled scale. A pox be on some houses, methinks.

The Reaper is beside himself. After a mid-season stretch with almost nothing to do, he has scythed at a record-breaking rate. Over the past three weeks, the participants have made 159 individual team selections; 36 have survived. For those who like percentages, that's less than a 23% win rate.

We've gone from 93 living at the start of Week 10 . . . to a scant little six pack as we enter the Week of Marino. Let us take a moment to meet the glorious few: Hollandia, a veteran of Suicide; The Holy Light, one of the esteemed and light in the dark; The Lebanator, the sexiest advanced robot this side of the middle east; Pillow Connoisseur, he of the fine downy swath; DADY 03, the third but strongest of his brood; and last but perhaps not least, yours truly rounds out the field.

Week 12 Stats
160 participants
0 undefeated
6 with one loss
154 deceased

It seems clear at this point that we will likely not make the playoffs, but one never knows. With six remaining, none yet have made the money, so the pressure mounts and the noose tightens as we enter Week 13. Who will rise? Who will fall? Will the Swami outlast them all? You cannot win your own pool, but that does not excuse the attempt.

That is all. 

The Root of the Week XII

"Alea Iacta Est."

Yes, my friends, the die is cast. There is not turning back, and the end of this Suicide season will come now only after long struggle and much devastation.

Do not make the mistake of taking this point lightly; others have done so, and others have perished. Cast your dice in the face of suffering and prepare yourself for the unknown tumbling, for there can be no controlling them once they leave your hand. Tumble they will, and tumble true, but the truth may not be that which you envision.

And so in Week Twelve, as 133 participants watch from the safety of their homes, licking their wounds as they begin the countdown to 2014, I ask those who remain to stand boldly, and proudly, and cast in their lots.

My own lot lies with Poe this week, who as in years past has granted use of those immortal words: "And so open here I fling the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter, in there steps a Raven of the yesteryears of yore . . ." Yes, I return to Baltimore to make my mark, while the masses are most heavily upon the Texans (at 2-9) and the Lions of Detriot. Good luck to all, and to all a good night.

Alea Iacta Est, and greatness awaits.

That is all.

Friday Taunt XI

The Reaper has been active of late. Twelve felt the sharp of the scythe, not to mention a pair of undefeateds who were nicked for the first time.

Beware, those who remain. The Reaper is on a roll, and knows the masses are running scared. Week Twelve brings little relief, and little sanctuary.

Week Eleven Stats
160 participants
2 players at 11-0
25 with one loss
133 deceased

Fortune favors the bold. The golden chalice awaits. It's time to cast the dice.

That is all.

The Root of the Week XI

After last week's Cinderella story, and given the Cards are lean, mean, and not too far between, I felt it fitting to add a little Spackler to the pages of Suicide---and after last week's drubbing of the masses, a little ball wash couldn't hurt anyone, either.

Kickoff is a few minutes away, so it's a light Root this week; I am exhausted reading all the pithy commentary in your emails from Week 10. I do enjoy it, however, even if I do not respond, so keep the dialogue coming.

The Texans have a lot of action, the Bengals have a lot of action, and the Cardinals as well. The Lions, Eagles, Giants, and Chargers also have a little love from the participants this week. Another plum opportunity for the Reaper . . . we will see if he is still fat and happy from Week 10.

That is all.

Friday Taunt X

Was it as good for you as it was for me?

In truth, there are so many avenues to take in commentating upon the massive, glorious destruction of Week 10, I am having a hard time knowing where to begin.

First, for those of you who have emailed me with pithy comments of your own, asking for major upsets to get this pool rolling . . . well, you got it.

The Reaper has been sitting on the sidelines all season, licking his wounds and licking his chops, and "X" certainly marked the spot: 86% of the pool lost this past weekend. It shall be noted in the record books as the single worst week in the history of the Suicide Pool, from a sheer percentage perspective. The Reaper, let's just say, is fat and happy and sidelined no longer. Other numbers of note: 80 participants took a loss, 70 were on the Titans, 54 were eliminated entirely, and 26 took their first loss.

Week 10 Stats
160 participants
121 deceased
80 week 10 losers
35 with one loss
4 undefeated

Which brings us to our second point this morning: the Mount Rushmore of 2013. There are only four undefeateds remaining, three Suicide veterans and a rookie. Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to Hollandia, Father Franz, The Lebanator, and the Holy Light, your four remaining undefeateds. There are 35 one-lossers joining them, which puts us at 39 total. Congrats to those who survived the brutality of Week 10.

Lastly, and most importantly, I refer back to the first line of this post. It was one of the most glorious weeks in general for yours truly, the Swami, given how much I enjoy chaos, but compounded by the thrill of victory whilst flying in the face of logic and reason. Special shout out to Ford Model P, who also flew close to the sun and did not get burned. The Jaguars are our new favorite team.

Good luck participants as we enter the home stretch. The noose tightens and the cream rises, and when the dust settles, will you be the one left standing?

That is all.

The Root of the Week X

It is often the case, in life and in football, when the expected path is the safest. This is why, for instance, we see pro football coaches punt the ball away time and again on 4th-and-inches; you rarely get overt criticism for taking the safe route. In Week Ten of the 2013 NFL Suicide Pool season, the safest bet is the Titans of Tennessee.

There comes a time, however, every so often in the life of a man, when another path must be taken. I am reminded of Frost, who took the road less traveled, which made all the difference. This is why, for instance, we see coaches like Sean Payton attempt onside kicks in the Superbowl---and win---or why each week we get a handful of anti-establishment participant selections---in hopes of the heavy scythe. This week, Week the Tenth of 2013, the New York Football Giants represent the anti-establishment pick.

But there is another poem, far less well known, written in parody and satire of Frost, with wisdom in spades which it carries as follows:

"Two roads diverge in a frosty wood,

And I, who know them not of my design,

Reject them both to forge a new one;

Not one to travel once traveled-by ways,

The path I travel is mine: the true one."

The Swami is not one to travel once traveled-by ways. The Swami always follows his own design. His path is always the true one. Which is why, in this Tenth Week of the Year Two Thousand Thirteen, he will take neither of two roads presented, and instead take a massive flying leap from the heights of the tallest of all cliffs.

There is sparkling water below, but whether Swami clears the jagged rocks that lie waiting to splash down in that sweet blue splendor is as yet undetermined, and the Reaper likes his odds. Still, it cannot be helped. The path ahead is clear.

The Swami picks the Jacksonville Jaguars to win in Week 10.

That is all.

Friday Taunt IX

Finally, some action.

By virtue of Saints and Packers and Raiders and Chargers, twenty participants took losses in Week Nine, the most in some time. Fifteen of these were second losses, which means we bid adieu to fifteen of our fellows.

Which means 67 have dearly departed.

We are well behind our normal pace for this time of year. In 2012, there were a scant 42 left alive at this time. In 2011, 53 were still standing. In 2010, 57 survived to double digits.

Weekend Stats
160 participants
30 undefeated at 9-0
63 with one loss at 8-1
67 deceased
20 week eight losers

But now the gloves come off as we enter Week Ten. Henceforth, every team is burned and cannot be used again. The Jaguars will get their one win, and many of you will go down when it happens. The Reaper is waiting.

That is all.

The Root of the Week IX

You cannot win your own pool. This is one of the laws of higher pool operation, number twelve I think. Law #12 - You cannot win your own pool.

I run a Suicide Pool and a March Madness Pool, and it's been years since I've won either outright. Several years ago I did win March Madness, and pool participation dropped by 25%. People like fine commentary, witty dialogue, the occasional political or social reference, and excellent competition. They don't like winners.

I used to run a Bowl Pool, too, but every year I was in the top five, and the pressure proved too intense. It's difficult rooting for yourself to lose. So I gave up on the Bowl Pool, and now just enter the one run by the Hooded Fiend. Side note: it's excellent by the way, let me know if you want details.

In any event, you cannot win your own pool. But at the same time, I cannot lose intentionally. So roundabout Week Nine, roundabout now, Swami starts taking some chances with his picks. For those who don't know, the Swami accounts for three: Swami Me (the Swami), Swami Spawn (the Swami's kids), and the Factor (the Swami's woman). Heretofore, we have all ridden lock step, faltering in just one week. 

Most participant money is on the Cowboys this week, with the Patriots and Packers following behind, plus a smattering of Saints and Seahawks for those who have them left. There are also a select handful on the Panthers, which leads us to the photo.

Newton tastes good.

Clan Swami will split for the first time this season, and we are breaking rules all over the place. Mark me down for the Panthers, the Factor for Saint Diego, and the Spawn for the Saints. It is highly unlikely we all survive. Law #12, you know.

That is all.

Friday Taunt VIII

This is what happens when everyone wins. Swami gets bored, Swami falls asleep, and you get no Taunt until Friday.

I hope you're happy with yourselves.

Not one person succumbed this week to the sharp of the scythe, and the Reaper is not happy. He is quite agitated, actually, and as such I fear for you all.

Now, logistics: this week, Week Nine, represents your last opportunity to select a team you will be able to reuse in the playoffs. Beginning next week, Week Ten, any team selected the rest of the year is burned up for good. This makes the Reaper very, very happy. He expects great and glorious chaos this week, what with Jacksonville on the Bye.

Week Eight Stats
160 participants
109 winners
0 losers

I have to go back to sleep now. All this participant winning is exhausting. Let's all come together and put a little life back into this thing in Week Nine; I've had quite enough self-entertainment, thank you very much.

That is all.

The Root of the Week VIII

The Detroit Lions of 2008 went the entire season without a single win, and they worked very hard to do so. Several games went down to the wire, three finished with spreads of four points or less, five inside a touchdown. More were closer than the score would suggest, with the Kittens giving up late touchdowns while hope remained to pad the score. They worked hard to lose games, snatching defeat from the jaws of victory on a regular basis.

Because they were competitive, the Suicide participant masses did not ride against them as much as one might suggest, particularly down the stretch. Their games were too close, their talent too . . . average . . . to be considered a loss surety.

None of these statements hold true for the Jacksonville Jaguars of 2013.

This team is terrible. Their average margin of loss sits just a hair under three touchdowns. They have been even remotely competitive in one --- count 'em, one --- game thus far, a 10 point loss to the juggernaut up north, the Oakland Raiders, with all of their own two wins. I see three winnable games remaining on their schedule, but who in their right mind would ever even think of picking the Jags to win.

The Rules are there for your safety, and the safety of others. But when the 49ers are coming into town and the Jaguars are the home team opponent, if there was ever a time to disregard the rules, this is it. The masses seem to agree with me.

Oh sure, there are other hot picks this week. The Saints are trendy, the Chiefs are also saddled up, and a smattering of picks have been spread around to the Broncos, Patriots, and Packers. But the 49ers are the big one for those who still have them available.

And why not? Jacksonville to lose has been the biggest bet game of the week in Weeks Three, Five, and Six, with many riding against them as well in Weeks Two, Four, and Seven. People actually picked the Raiders and Chargers to win---and survived. This more than anything tells you how bad Jacksonville truly is.

The Swami will tempt a little self-fate in Week Eight, and jump on the Jaguar dumping parade. I predicted 10 wins for the San Fran 49ers, even though they will miss the playoffs, and this is certainly one of them.

That is all.

*The above photo is accurate. The Jaguars did indeed select a punter five slots before Russell Wilson was selected in the third round of the 2012 NFL Draft. In the Jags defense, when you have Blaine Gabbert and Chad Henne as your quarterbacks, you need the best frickin' punter you can get your hands on.

Thursday Taunt VII

Fifty Shades of Failure reads the epitaph for the seventh week of the Suicide Pool. Fifty fine souls, departed. Fifty men and women who waved their flags, but ring their bells no more. Fifty who found themselves on the short end of the stick.

Which brings to mind Ulysses, he of Fifty fame, to whom history has been---largely and regretfully, and wrongly---unkind, and thus also got the short end of the stick. I recommend you read about it, here or there: there is much to be learned and gleaned from the tales of history, and Grant particularly.

Weekend Stats
35 undefeated at 7-0
75 with one loss at 6-1
50 deceased

It was a wise man who said "the only new thing in the world is the history you don't know." The masses are moving, fifty have fallen, thirty-five remain unscathed with the remainder in-between. Will they heed the warnings of history or fly in the face of danger?

Will the Reaper sharpen his scythe after the quiet of Week 7? Yes, but it remains to be seen if he will get to use it.

That is all.

The Root of the Week VII

Those who are veterans of Suicide know and understand the Swami Rules for Success. One of those Rules involves the Chargers, as in:

#3 - Never pick for or against the Chargers in the first six weeks.

Well, here we are in Week Seven, and the masses are mobilizing once again on the sidelines opposite the helpless, hapless Jaguars. Which makes sense, except that this week's sideline belongs to the Chargers.

Fact: the Chargers have burned more participants in the Suicide Pool over the years than any other team. By wide margin. My own personal rule, therefore, is never pick the Chargers game.

Like, ever.

And so I will leave you all to your good luck, and roll merrily along and into Week Eight with the Packers of Green Bay. Other teams on the hot docket this week: Chiefs and Dolphins, and the occasional Patriots. Good luck to all. And now I'm off to my cheesehead.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt VI

Things to say after six--and only six--poor souls drop losses in Week Six on the red and blue bull. Not everything's bigger in Texas. Makes a wicked good burger. Douse the lights and dream of 2012. 

Has any quarterback, once excellent, become terrible faster than Matt Schaub? Five points for those who immediately thought of Eli Manning.

Week Six Stats
38 undefeated
78 with one loss
44 deceased

Your lack of loss is disturbing. Here's to lucky number seven for the Swami and the Reaper. Perhaps you have forgotten, but the Hex is still floating around out there, waiting for the right time to strike.

That is all.

The Root of the Week VI

A few weeks ago I mentioned the biggest lock pick in Suicide history was the Seahawks of Seattle besting the Kittens of Jacksonville. Let the debate begin on whether this week's Kitten game should be considered a bigger lock.

I myself tend to think that the Seattle game was a bigger lock, despite Denver looking like an unstoppable force. It's easier to travel to Denver and the Seattle stadium is recognized as the best home team crowd in football. Advantage: Seattle.

Still, being the second biggest lock pick in Suicide history is no small thing, which is why the masses have spoken and are following, Swami included. Muchos participantes on the Broncos, along with the 49ers, Seahawks, Chiefs, Cowboys, and Texans.

I think the Reaper will have to take a week off.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt V

You knew he was coming. You could sense it in the air last week, you could feel it in your very bones. He's been waiting, waiting, waiting . . . 

And in "V", he struck.

Twenty-five souls perished in their entirety this past week, Week the Fifth. It's interesting, the history of Week Five in Suicide lore. Relatively tame last year, in previous seasons prior it has long been associated with the end of days for many, many participants. Massive upsets, mangled dreams, etc.

'Twas again in 2013. The Dirty Birds were so very dirty.

Week Five Stats
42 undefeated at 5-0
76 with one loss at 4-1
64 losers in Week Five
42 utterly deceased
25 following the Reaper

As far as you know, the Update delay is simply because I did not want to rub salt in the wound, allowing some time to pass, allowing some healing. There was much grief and much devastation in Week Five, and while Swami himself was victim, chaos always tickles my fancy.

And fanciful I was in Week Five.

That is all.

The Root of the Week V

Yes, I will.

'Tis a simple choice this week . . . the Dirty Birds will clean up nicely. At home on Monday night, their season on the line and its just early October, with fatty contracts up the wazoo and Matty Ice under center. Three losses to teams a combined 11-1, all close. Yes, the Falcons will lift the Swami to great heights, and settle us down in Week Six.

Still, I cannot help but wonder at the gall and gumption of our pool participants. The majority of the rest of the masses have put their money on Saint Louis (really?!) or Green Bay. Yes, yes, yes, I get it. Saint Louis is playing Jacksonville. And yes, Green Bay is very good. But the Jags are winless, which always makes them dangerous, and Detroit is a divisional foe (breaking a Swami Rule). I sense a little chaos and devastation this weekend, just not as a result of a career Geno Smith day.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt IV

Listen to the rules and you won't get hurt. Many followed the rules this week, many did not. Those who did not fall into two categories: (1) those who broke the Swami's Rules; and (2) those who broke the Swami's heart.

Week Four Statistics
81 undefeated at 4-0
62 with one loss at 3-1
17 deceased 

Now, those who broke the Rules did not survive Week 04, as Death himself led a merry band of miscreants on a lovely little parade: 13 to the purgatory of one loss, 9 to their ultimate demise. And yet, these were the lucky ones.

Those who broke the Swami's heart, those who bet against the Beloveds, those who watched with glee on Monday night . . . let it be known that the Swami Hex does not dissipate after just one week. It is an everlasting curse, and no participant has ever won this pool in a season in which they bet against the Dolphins. So good luck, you 31 souls who survived this week, yes, but already I hear the sharpening of the scythe.

Week Five has long been known as one of the most dangerous in Suicide lore, and a Hex is no small thing to deal with. And if you hear that sweet, sweet music playing as the parade rolls by, let not your own heart be troubled as you rise, trance-like, and follow.

Jobu is waiting for you at the finish.

That is all.

The Root of the Week IV

How dare you.

How dare you dubious degenerates, looking to actively root against the Swami Beloveds on Monday night. Do you not know of the Swami wrath? Do you not know of the Swami Hex? 

The Reaper is grinning, his scythe sharpened, as he awaits yonder Tuesday morning, and the Swami waits to Taunt those who Saintly fell.

You still have time to change your pick. If you do not, and death awaits, do not say I did not warn you.

For the rest---those wiser, more compassionate, more amiable---I will direct my below comments to you.

Hello! I hope all is well with you, my friends, friends of years, friends of tears! I wish you all the best this week, Week the Fourth, and while normally I enjoy chaos and the creation of havoc, in this instance I am hoping your every pick comes through, your every hope and dream comes true. As for Swami, the choice proved difficult, but as the Chief myself of this pool, the answer came soon and swift enough.

Oh, and one more thing: as Tarantino Leo was apt to say, I am always looking for a good bit of fun, and so I will grant one free entry ($40 value) to the participant he or she who texts me the hometown birthplace of the first Dolphin to score a touchdown on Monday Night.

Jobu will be watching. The Swami hex be on those who ride the heavens.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt III

It seems to me there are some of you who are not quite sure what you're doing. For instance, when the Swami says the Seattle Seahawks are the biggest Lock Pick in the history of the Suicide Pool, when they are favored by 20 points, and when the only question is when and by how much they will cover, you pick the Seattle Seahawks.

I am not shocked that 94 of you did just that. I am shocked that there were 63 of you who did not.

Like a 5-year old stepping off the platform of a 4-story zip line in Lake Tahoe, 63 participants took a plunge with little knowledge of what would happen come the end of the line. But while the Son of Swami stuck his own landing and hauled himself to safety, 24 of you clipped it and plummeted to a very painful Week Three loss.

And so here we stand with our Week Three statistics, which feature a bevy of undefeated beauties . . . though not as many as should be.

Week Three Stats
94 undefeated at 3-0
58 with one loss
24 week three losers
8 deceased

It should also be noted that the Suicide Pool is often cruel and often fickle, and so we bid adieu to Dr. L and That Guy, who both went undefeated in the regular season last year, but have accumulated a pair of losses already in 2013. We also say goodbye to veterans Wick & Chick and Dawg Pound, who will burn and bark no more, and Bootleg Right, who booted himself right on out the door.

Perhaps next time when the Swami speaks, the masses will listen.

That is all.

The Root of the Week III

"I hear you have a great big line. May I see it please?"

So were these words spoken at every sports book in America in recent days, as word of the nearly three touchdown spread was passed down from degenerate to degenerate. It is unlikely many took up the mantle and laid down their dollars on a line so large, a Wahlbergian line as they say in the trenches of Nevada and also the San Fernando Valley --- but for purposes of Suicide, where no lines exist, the knowledge of 19 points given is like sweet, sweetest music.

And so like the children following the Pied Piper, the participants have followed that sweet music all the way to the Great Northwest, and so too has followed the Swami. There are a few holdouts, most electing the Mile High or the Land of 1000 Lakes or Beantown or the Bay, the greatest mass has moved to that land of so little sunlight, in what must be the biggest "lock" pick in Suicide history. Of course, we have seen this story play out before, and the Reaper is waiting. Pride cometh before the fall.

The Colonel sends his regards.

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt II

Bigg Doggs and Mad Dogs and Monkeys, oh my!

The Wicked Witches of the Western United States struck, and struck hard this past Sunday, and so at the hands of the Chargers and Cardinals fall the Eagles and Lions, and so in turn pass from our midst, like white mist from the mouth on a cold, cold night, the three participants known as Big Dogg 02, Mad Dog 03, and Monkey 01. Luckily, all three gentlemen have other lives remaining with which to haphazardly bet, throwing caution to the wind, and disregarding all Swami Rules.

For the uninitiated, let us rehash the Three Rules for Staying Alive in Suicide:

#01 - Do not pick a team to win on the road.
#02 - Do not pick a team to beat a team in its own division.
#03 - Do not pick a game in which the Chargers are playing, for or against, before Week 06.

All three of our deceased participants, who have tied together for 158th place, broke one of the above rules, and paid the ultimate price -- along with sixteen other unfortunate souls. 

Week Two Statistics
160 participants
113 undefeated
44 with one loss
3 deceased

Week Three is right around the corner. I expect there to be significant action on one game in particular, and while I am not one to usually fly with the flock, in this case it may very well be unavoidable. We shall see come the Root of the Week.

That is all.

The Root of the Week II

The masses fall into two categories this good and glorious second week: those who have, and those who yet. Those who have are, not unsurprisingly, in the minority, and they are the ones sitting fat and fancy this weekend, free of heart and spirit, secure in the knowledge that they will move on to Week Three.

I am, of course, referring to those who took the Patriots on Thursday night.

There were a good many, and they sweated out a prime time nail-biter with Angry Tom and the Gang Green Genos, but ultimately prevailed --- and so they watch with gleeful amusement as the rest of the masses sweat out their own Week Two selections.

Which are rather varied, it seems.

We have the Bears, the Eagles, the Ravens, the Packers, the Bengals, the Vikings, the Saints, the Falcons, the Cardinals, and even the Raiders in on the action, with the Ravens getting the most action of the above bunch.

But like a herd of cattle crossing the Texas panhandle, pack mentality in spades, the heaviest flow of participants has migrated to old Reliant Stadium, and put their money on the solitary star. I will join them.

That is all.

The Wrath of the Tuesday Taunt Returneth

For those who were here last season, and have made the Swami Blog a 'must read' part of the week, you will recall the opening frame of the 2012 Suicide season, in which much was made of parity in the NFL.

The evidence for this claim of parity---and for those who follow politics, and therefore have no knowledge of such things, evidence is the available body of facts or information indicating whether a belief or proposition is true or valid---was in the form of 16 teams selected in Week One last year, fully half the NFL teams.

Well, I submit again this proposition of parity, and for once we all enjoy a proposition that does not entail my dressing up as Little Bo Peep.

Eighteen teams. That's 18, for the illiterate. More than half the teams in the NFL were selected by participants in Week One of 2013, which means some games had participants on both sides of the battle.

Granted, there are at present 159 participants signed on for this year, a Swami Suicide Pool record, and when the post office is visited tomorrow and a few write-ins are added to the fold, the number will undoubtedly cross the 160 mark. More participants means more potential for utterly bone-headed moves. Like picking against my Beloveds, and yes I'm looking at you, newbie.

Nearly 20% of the field lost its first life, most at the hands of Steel City, whose proud team melted in the bright lights of their home stadium like the Robert Patrick T-1000, beaten down by the mighty, god-like Titans. Well, not really so much mighty, but the narrative plays into the photo above, and so.

Lady Luck lifted the Swami to glorious heights with a Week One win, however, along with 75 other souls as the top Root of the Week. Patriots fans survived, as well, though not without chewing a little bit back in waning moments.

Weekly Statistics
159 participants
128 undefeateds
31 with one loss
18 teams chosen
6 losing teams
1 bet on Cleveland

And so the band plays on as our merry little flotilla launches from port for the wide open seas, and only you can captain your own ship through the dangerous, choppy waters ahead. Will you survive the voyage? Only the Swami's crystal ball knows for sure.

That is all.

The Root of the Week I

Ladies and gentlemen, honored guests, compatriots, colleagues, competitors, and friends, I bid you welcome to another great and glorious year of the Suicide Pool.

It is customary at this time for the host, yours truly, to wax poetic on the wonders of football and the delights of gambling degeneration, the perils and pleasures of weekly team selection. And so allow myself to introduce myself, for I am that afore-mentioned host, the murderous, villainous, iniquitous Swami Me.

There are some of you who are new to the Pool, and thus have not had the benefit of my dialogue-ing ways, but let it be heard now that you shall come to know them. Oh yes, you shall.

For those who are new, there are two staples of the Suicide Pool blog: the Root of the Week and the Tuesday Taunt. In the former, the Swami lays down his weekly pick in advance of Sunday play, as well as the trending popular selections. In the latter, he taunts all those who perished the weekend prior. The Swami loves chaos, and relishes it.

Week One is always all over the map, and so we've got action on multiple teams: Steelers, Patriots, Bucs, Colts, Broncos, Cowboys, Rams, Seahawks, and of course, one wonderful young person on my Beloveds, the Dolphins of Miami. In other words, the situation is ripe; it is unlikely all will move unscathed to Week Two.

As for the Swami himself, I will join the multitude and root for the offspring Lady Luck (as pictured above). I feel confident this image is an accurate representation, and I feel equally confident in Andrew's horses to ride me into Week Two*.

And so, without further ado, I declare this season of Suicide officially open.

That is all.

*Often I will be cryptic about my pick, and you will have to figure it out. For those who did not, I am on the Colts.

Welcome to Football . . .

As Shooter was wont to say, my friends, my beautiful friends, friends of years, friends of tears, the time has come upon us once again. The moment we have waited for has arrived after very long, very sad months---the return of the NFL Suicide Pool, and yours truly.

Time has healed the wounds of 2012, it seems, as a record-breaking group jogs onto the field, some having already secured their first win of the season at the hooves of those delightful Broncos.

Let us dispense with the pleasantries, however, as there will be plenty of time for word-smithery in weeks to come. Let this post serve as your official reference points for all things Suicide Pool.

NFL Suicide Pools have a simple premise: you pick the winner of one single NFL game each week (straight up, no point spreads) and if the team you choose wins their game, you advance to the next week. 

If your team loses, you take a loss, and in the Swami's Suicide Pool two losses eliminates you from competition. You may not pick the same team twice during the regular season (see below for special playoff rules). There are additional details, of course, which are outlined below, but the above is the general gist of things.

That's it, although you are still highly encouraged to read the following in-depth breakdown in its entirety, even those who are experienced Swami Suicide Pool veterans.

(1) Entries - Each participant may enter a minimum of one (1) and a maximum of five (5) entries.

(2) Picks - You pick the winner of a single NFL game each week. No point spreads are involved, which means you pick the straight-up winner. Please note that ties count as losses. Kindly email your weekly picks to SwamiSuicidePool@gmail.com.

(3) Deadline -You must get your pick in by the start of your chosen team’s game (kick-off). If you neglect to send a pick in a given week, the default pick is the home team for the Monday night game. If you have already used that team, the Monday night visiting team is your selection. If you have already used both teams, you lose.

(4) Format - This is a double-elimination tournament; you are allowed one loss. Uno, dos, adios!

(5) Disputes - If rule clarifications or amendments are required mid-season (unlikely) or in the event of disputes (also unlikely), all decisions made by the Swami are final.

(6) Updates - An update email will be sent each week with the number of surviving players, the coming week's schedule of games, and pick selections from the previous weeks. The update will usually come on Tuesday, although the Swami reserves the right to stretch it later into the week, if needed. You can also check this blog for the update.

(7) Playoffs - The playoff structure for 2013 is identical to the 2012, 2011, and 2010 formats. Starting in Week Ten (10) of the regular season, any team chosen by a participant is NOT eligible to be selected in the playoffs, where the standard Suicide Rules will apply (i.e. you select one team to win per weekend playoff round). Teams chosen in Weeks One thru Nine (1-9) will be available to be re-selected in the playoffs.

Kindly address questions to the Swami at SwamiSuicidePool@gmail.com.

And so I will leave you all for the time being as I crawl into my robes and gaze into the crystal once more, to return in short order with the first Root of the Week as the world waits eagerly on the eve of gridiron battle.

Let the Swami ride again.

That is all.

The Night Before Football . . .

'Twas a Mile High beat down and all through the league,

not a GM was smiling, nor mildly pleased.

The touchdowns were hung on the scoreboard with care,

in hopes that good ratings still would be there.

The Ravens were nestled all snug in the past,

with visions of rings and Ray flags at half mast.

And Manning with Welker and Thomas and Ball,

settled right in to destroy one and all.

They spoke not a word, but went straight to their work,

and filled foes with all horror, like a VMA twerk.

And wagging his fingers with extra flair,

the Manning man laughed as Harbaugh pulled out hair.

He sprang to the sidelines, to his team gave a whistle,

and away they all flew like a synchronized missile.

But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he jogged out of sight,

"Happy Football to all, and to all a good-night."

'Tis all.

Swami Says . . .

When the sun shines, the world brightens. When the earth quakes, the world trembles. When life ebbs, the world weeps. When the Swami speaks, the world listens.

And brightens and trembles and weeps, for there is joy and merriment, and chaos and devastation, and gloriousness and gallantry in every word writ large on the pages of the Suicide blog, and none more so than in those days before the coming of the storm, such as we now enjoy.

Sit, then, my friends, and heed these words. The crystal ball has been consulted, and understood, and listen you now to the fruits of that summoning. Listen now to what the Swami says.

#1 - Pittsburgh will not win eight games.

#2 - Behind Carson Palmer's arm and Bruce Arian's mind, Arizona will finish a strong 2nd in the NFC West, but just miss out on the last wild card spot.

#3 - Dallas will win the NFC East and reach the 2nd round Divisional Championship Game.

#4 - Sexy Rexy does not last the season in New York.

#5 - Colin Kaepernick will follow the follow the mold of Cam Newton, and ride his mojo-filled first year into a subpar second. Newton himself will let his emotion get the best of him, and have to apologize for some stupid statement after their Week 5 loss to the Cards.

#6 - My Beloveds earn the Wild Card berth.

#7 - The Bengals earn a bye, but lose their first playoff game at home.

#8 - The Saints win 12 games.

#9 - Contrary to popular opinion, the Cleveland Browns will not have a good season.

#10 -  The Raiders will continue to suck.

#11 - Superbowl XLVIII will feature the Houston Texans and the Seattle Seahawks, won in bad weather by the Houston ground game.

#12 - Phillip Rivers gets his groove back, but the Chargers still won't win a bunch of games. They will trade up three spots to draft Marqise Lee at #5 overall in 2014.

#13 - The Ravens miss the playoffs by one game.

#14 - The Colts have a solid season, but also miss the playoffs by one game.

#15 - Chip Kelly and Michael Vick prove a match made in heaven.

#16 - The Atlanta Falcons lose 7 games.

#17 - The NFC North is dominated by mediocrity.

#18 - Chip Kelly and Andy Reid both find exceptional success in their first year with new teams. Philadelphia and Kansas City will meet for the NFC Championship Game within three seasons' time.

#19 - Cowboys, Seahawks, Packers, Lions, Saints, Falcons from the NFC.

#20 - Texans, Bengals, Broncos, Chiefs, Patriots, Dolphins from the AFC.

So it is written. So it shall be done.

That is all.