Swami's NFL Pool 2018: Swami Says . . .

August 30, 2013

Swami Says . . .

When the sun shines, the world brightens. When the earth quakes, the world trembles. When life ebbs, the world weeps. When the Swami speaks, the world listens.

And brightens and trembles and weeps, for there is joy and merriment, and chaos and devastation, and gloriousness and gallantry in every word writ large on the pages of the Suicide blog, and none more so than in those days before the coming of the storm, such as we now enjoy.

Sit, then, my friends, and heed these words. The crystal ball has been consulted, and understood, and listen you now to the fruits of that summoning. Listen now to what the Swami says.

#1 - Pittsburgh will not win eight games.

#2 - Behind Carson Palmer's arm and Bruce Arian's mind, Arizona will finish a strong 2nd in the NFC West, but just miss out on the last wild card spot.

#3 - Dallas will win the NFC East and reach the 2nd round Divisional Championship Game.

#4 - Sexy Rexy does not last the season in New York.

#5 - Colin Kaepernick will follow the follow the mold of Cam Newton, and ride his mojo-filled first year into a subpar second. Newton himself will let his emotion get the best of him, and have to apologize for some stupid statement after their Week 5 loss to the Cards.

#6 - My Beloveds earn the Wild Card berth.

#7 - The Bengals earn a bye, but lose their first playoff game at home.

#8 - The Saints win 12 games.

#9 - Contrary to popular opinion, the Cleveland Browns will not have a good season.

#10 - The Raiders will continue to suck.

#11 - Superbowl XLVIII will feature the Houston Texans and the Seattle Seahawks, won in bad weather by the Houston ground game.

#12 - Phillip Rivers gets his groove back, but the Chargers still won't win a bunch of games. They will trade up three spots to draft Marqise Lee at #5 overall in 2014.

#13 - The Ravens miss the playoffs by one game.

#14 - The Colts have a solid season, but also miss the playoffs by one game.

#15 - Chip Kelly and Michael Vick prove a match made in heaven.

#16 - The Atlanta Falcons lose 7 games.

#17 - The NFC North is dominated by mediocrity.

#18 - Chip Kelly and Andy Reid both find exceptional success in their first year with new teams. Philadelphia and Kansas City will meet for the NFC Championship Game within three seasons' time.

#19 - Cowboys, Seahawks, Packers, Lions, Saints, Falcons from the NFC.

#20 - Texans, Bengals, Broncos, Chiefs, Patriots, Dolphins from the AFC.

So it is written. So it shall be done.

That is all.

Introducing . . .

. . . Ze German, a frothy, filthy, unfiltered 'Skins-lover bringing you weekly rants from his tapestry-laden castle high upon the Zugspitze peak. There is wisdom and method to his madness, however, so pay attention -- just look out for the women and children.

. . . The Holy Light, and the best of us, a beacon of strength, dignity, and truth, and shining where there is darkness. As it was in Ezekiel, his word is his bond and his name is the law, and he shall strike down those who dare not listen when he doth speak.

. . . The Hooded Fiend, brilliant, diabolical, devious -- the smartest man you've never met, and will never have the chance. Locked away in the dungeons below a nondescript building, we only bring the Fiend out to post when the situation is most dire.

. . . El Doctor, the tall, dark, hunky, and handsome resident surgeon of Suicide. Women love his strong hands, men respect his keen mind, and Swami requires his wicked wit, but no one understands his almost unholy passion for autos and linen pants.

. . . Man of Wench, that staunch fan of all things Philly and a fine specimen of masculinity, bold enough to tie the knot with the feisty, infamous Wench. Whether at the grill or at the bar, with a healthy glass of vino in his hand he'll bill you by the hour for a taste of his good times.

. . . Master of Macabre, a delightfully sinful and sinister purveyor of doom and gloom, keeper of all things dark and deathly. It is unsure what horrifies more: his spectral air, his cadaverous crypt, his Machiavellian machinations, or his penchant for Princess and the Frog.

. . . Shapeshifter, he of the ever-changing ways, ever-shifting forms, and everlasting enthusiasm. Our newest commentator brings forth pomp, verbosity, and circumstance on scale to rival even the Swami himself. Shifty, yes, and subtle when necessary, his form is never out of fashion.