The Root of the Week XVI

'Tis the night before the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature is stirring, not even Phillip Rivers, who is silent and unmoving upon his one knee. Why only take one knee?

Not to protest America's excellence, nay. Phillip is too classy for that; besides,e does not have the hair or ink to rival the Kaep.

Phillip is praying, and praying hard. There are several riding Chargers on the road against winless Cleveland -- always a risky play, playing a team on the road, made even more dangerous what with the Browns still searching for their first victim. Still, the Swami dares to live dangerously.

Can you believe the Chargers, Titans, and Rams are the popular picks? This is what happens when you get down toward the bottom of the available teams; chaos, pure and simple.

Pray for the Chargers to find there way forward once.

That is all.

                                                                

Friday Taunt XV

Every year, there is a cross check. This is when I go through the pool spreadsheet and double check for any errors, double ups, misprints, etc. I usually wait until there are less than 20 people in the pool, because honestly why worry about it until then, but courtesy of the Colts losing (not winning) in Week 14 and the efforts of Mr. Midnight Moons, and the fact that we still have 30+ people alive with only two weeks to go (which might be a record), the cross check has happened.

Some participants got blasted up against the boards.

Which is why, despite no losses in Week 15, we find a few of our fellow departed to bring our number down to 34. 34 brave souls remain. It would've been more had the Jags not choked away their almost-win, but such is the way of the pool this year. Too many near misses to count.

Weekend Statistics
202 participants
11 undefeated
23 with one loss, including Swami
168 deceased

The noose tightens. Onward we go.

That is all.

The Root of the Friday Taunt XIV

'Tis a double post this fine Friday evening, as is usually the case when the post comes out late. 'Tis the season for so much to do and so little time. We begin with a spin traveling in a world of my creation, as we discuss one single solitary individual who once ascended the heights, and now has fallen.

My friends, El Hefe has left us. He of shoot-from-the-hip faith went prospecting in the hills with them there forty-niners, and found only one good reason to take a knee: his second loss. We bid him adieu in 40th place.

As for the rest, little change. Everyone else was successful. The Lions and Bears threatened to make the Reaper work a bit, oh my, but proved as anti-climatic as the Wizard himself.

And so we turn our attentions from the Taunt portion to the Root portion, given that the weekend is upon us already and my schedule is fuller than John Stamos' house -- which brings us to the three lovely ladies getting their groove on up top.

Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills? Can you pay my automo-bills? If Sexy Rexy pays my bills maybe then in Week 15 we can chill. Until then, like Lunchmoney Lewis, I got bills.

That is all.

The Root of the Week XIV

'Tis an early Saturday post on this fine Saturday morning, as the Swami is out of commission this evening and away from any semblance of wi-fi. If I am eaten by an African rhebok and can no longer run the pool, I apologize. You'll be fine.

That strange feeling in your chest? It is pressure, the pressure that comes with surviving this long -- Week the Fourteenth -- and knowing that one false move ends the big dance. Only a few have the luxury of a spare loss waiting in the wings, the majority are dancing on just one leg.

There are no great choices. It seems Detroit will be a popular pick, at home this week, although it is a divisional game and the Barkley Bears have shown a little life of late. The Swami, however, will turn to Julio. When in doubt, Julio. What would Julio do? When life gives you lemons, Julio. Why did the chicken cross the road? Julio. How are babies made? Julio.

Julio is the answer to every question this week. The Dirty Birds for the road win.

That is all.

Friday Taunt XIII

Marino Week always treats the Swami well. Others, not so much. The Reaper returned from his (her?) vacation in Week 12 to wreak havoc once more upon the masses, lulling you all into Saintly submission and watching your agonizing cries of defeat as an organic Berry rolled downfield for an extra pair of points.

All in all, we had 33 Week 13 losers on six different teams.

The noose tightens and the cream will rise to the top. There are only four weeks left in the regular season and I think it is safe to say we will return to the playoffs this season, so plan your picks and make your choices accordingly.

Week 14 Statistics
202 participants
12 undefeated at 13-0
28 with one loss at 12-1
162 deceased

PS - This is literally the greatest photo I have ever posted. This is not one of my recurring photos forever. The Hex still grips a few undefeateds; I would be very afraid.

That is all.

The Root of the Week XIII

I am not quite sure if the image above is adorable or frightening, but for the purposes of this post, I will count it adorable as I say to myself, who can resist such an adorable face?

I cannot, and therefore I will roll with Lambeau in December and the rejuvenated arm of Aaron Rodgers. Packers for the win, says the Swami.

Picks are all over the board this week, we most certainly not emerge unscathed as a group. Saints, Broncos, Falcons, Cardinals, Steelers, Bengals, and Packers, and who knows who else.

A special shout out in this Week Thirteen to #13 himself, Mr. Marino, who always sees me through safely to the following week, provided I've made it this far in the first place.

Good luck to you all, and may the adorablest participant win.

That is all.

Friday Taunt XII

It was a very Happy Thanksgiving Holiday weekend for all except the Reaper, who sat at home and did literally nothing from Thursday to Sunday as all 62 participants emerged unscathed from Week 12. The Saints, Titans, Ravens, Cowboys, Bills, and Beloveds all won the hearts and minds of the masses this weekend past.

We now enter Marino Week, which has proven tricky for some in past seasons. I would be particularly scared if I was one of those still holding a Swami Hex card; some of you were taken off the Hex list for rolling Beloved last weekend. Double cheers, and an extra glass of champagne for you.

Onward we merrily roll with Danny Boy as our parade marshal.

That is all.

The Root of the Week XII

I once spent ten straight days and nights in a hotel five feet (literally) from Bourbon Street. There is little more about it to say in this space than this ... I survived.

I once spent ten weeks undefeated, but there was the one little thing with the Jets, but still ... I survived.

When we meet again in this space next week, and we discuss the weekend's shenanigans, and I mention how I once spent a weekend in the company of Saints, you can be sure the real root of the conversation will be this ... I survived.

That is all.

Wednesday Taunt XI

'Twas a slow week in Swami-ville. Week the Eleventh provided very little in the way of spark, and trudged its way to a very poor showing with only six participant passings -- shocking for such a late week in the season. We credit the Giants, Steelers, and Lions for winning against the dregs, and thank profusely the Chiefs for at least provided a little in the loss column.

The Twelfth Week is important, as well, because it means there are no more bye weeks. Bye weeks can make it tough, often times we get to the point where we've had enough, so it's time to see them out the door and that ain't no lie. Bye bye, byes.

It can seem, so deep into the year, that teams are beginning to lead you along like a boy band on strings, but that is not the case. If anything, you are more in control of your destiny now than you ever were before ... you know the teams, you've studied their strengths and weaknesses, you know the competition, you know the path before you, and you know exactly what you need to do. That, my friends, is an exciting place. Relish it.

Weekend Statistics

202 participants

18 undefeated at 11-0

44 with one loss, including yours truly

150 deceased

Blessings and thanks are now upon us. Enjoy your day with food and family and some small measure of football, and I will be back on the flip side to dialogue further.

That is all.

The Root of the Week XI

Ah, the osprey. A beautiful creature. Amazingly adaptable, as well; lives on every continent but Antarctica. I know this because Wikipedia told me so, and Wikipedia is never wrong.

Only nineteen participants have never been wrong this excellent NFL season. This number is likely to climb higher after the weekend. You see, while the Bears are atrocious this season and Cutler is likely not long for Chicago, the man does still have a little juice left -- and the Giants are not what I would call a dominant force to be reckoned with.

Therefore, the Upset Special of the Week is Bears 27, Giants 20. This would scythe many a fine participant, including a host of unbeatens.

Why the osprey, then, to start this post? Well, friends, in addition to being a bird with many habitats, the osprey is also a bird with many names. You will recognize one of these names quite well: seahawk.

Fitting, as Swami flies high with the Seahawks this weekend.

That is all.

Friday Taunt X

"X" most definitely did not mark the spot for the Swami this past week, who fell from the ranks of the unbeaten along with Wick and Chick. Not many losses to couple with these two, but the rest who did (six in all) fell not from the unbeaten, but from the tree itself for the final time.

The noose is beginning to tighten and the ancient knight's words come back to me.

"Choose wisely."

Weekend Statistics
202 participants
19 undefeated
47 with one loss
136 deceased

That is all.

The Root of the Week X

This is a photo of a baby lamb. Cute, and yet oddly unsettling. It is a timely photo, because oddly unsettling is the nature of the Swami Pool at this moment as we enter the pivotal tenth week. Any team chosen from here on out is chosen for the final time this season.

Many of you elected to select the Ravens on Thursday night ... as the knight says, you have chosen wisely. There is no odd unsettling for you as you bask in the glory of a punched ticket to Week Eleven.

As for the rest of us, yours truly included, we must tempt fate once more this weekend. The Cardinals seem the heavy play, and I have seen a few Texans picks, plus a handful of one-off plays like the Redskins, Saints, and even (dare to be hexed) the Chargers.

The Swami moves not to the measured beat, but rather his own glorious rhythm; I, too, shall go the one-off route and put my faith once more in the AFC East: the J-E-T-S Jets will discard their New Yorker elitist vegetarian ways and feast upon meat once again this weekend.

Bold prediction: despite the predilection of one Jeff Fisher for finishing 8-8, the Rams will far short of that number this season. They will finish 4-12, if they are lucky. I also feel it important to note that anyone calling for Goff to play this season is an I-M-B-E-C-I-L-E imbecile. With the slate of games the Rams have coming up, not to mention a shoddy offensive line, it does not good to throw Goff out there to make his way in the dark against a pack of wolves. Give the kid a year, and let him start fresh from training camp as QB1 in 2017.

Bold prediction, part deux: barring injury, Goff will make his grand debut in Week 16, starting at home in a meaningless game against the San Francisco 49ers. The Rams will have lost their previous ten games, Goff will win his first game, and the media will go into massive frenzy. Goff will come back to earth against a Cardinals team fighting for their playoff lives the following week, but two weeks will be enough to let the masses salivate throughout the off-season. The Rams will get the fifth pick in the 2017 NFL Draft and will draft a left tackle.

But before all that, the Jets will win in Week Ten.

So it is written, so it shall be done.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt IX

Ladies and gentlemen, we have only twenty-one undefeated participants left. Blackjack, winner winner, chicken dinner. We thank the Vikings (yet again) and the Packers for bestowing losses upon seventeen of us, knocking out nine and taking our group down into the seventies.

Weekend Statistics
202 participants
21 undefeated at 9-0
51 with one loss at 8-1
130 deceased

Playoff rules are now in effect, which means any team chosen from here on out cannot every be used again. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find those teams you think are good enough to make playoffs, but not win.

So, teams like the Bengals.

That is all.

The Root of the Week IX

No fancy photo, no word-smithery this week. This post brought to you via very shaky intraweb connection at almost 6,000 feet, high in the mountains where yours truly is surrounded by several screaming 10 year old girls at a birthday party. Survival is, at this juncture, an uncertain thing. 

If this be the last thing I ever write, it is written with an undefeated air. 

I take the Chiefs this week. So it is written, so it shall be done. 

That is all. 

Thursday Taunt VIII

This photo comes out once per year. Those of you who have been with us for a few years know what it means, and from whence it came. The Reaper returned to the Swami Pool this past weekend, or more accurately this past Monday night, to reap and reap and reap those many, many souls who put themselves on Viking ships to sail across the sea. They did not reach their destination.

We lost 34 to their second and final loss, most of whom were on the Vikings. The Vikings actually took 41 down with them, many previously undefeated participants. The ranks have thinned.

Weekend Statistics
202 participants
30 undefeated at 8-0, of which Swami is one
51 with one loss
121 deceased, which includes the whole rest of the Swami clan

Week Eight was hateful, indeed.

That is all.

The Root of the Week VIII

This is a difficult week. It is a difficult week, a dastardly week, laborious and burdensome and loathsome. It is an ugly, low down, dirty, knock-down, drag-out, all-around, and altogether ... dare I say it ... HATEFUL week. Fitting, given it is Week the Eighth. Tarantino has vision and the world wears bifocals, and though they be more often as not tinted red, 'tis a splendid vision, indeed.

And so it falls to you, the participants, to look down the list and pick the least of all evils. There is no choice comes not without risk. There are no locks this hateful week eight, there are no "gimme" games or "sure thing" selections. It is survive at all costs, sponsored by Jimmie Dimmick.

Let us discuss the matchups, one by one:

Jags @ Titans ... Completed already, not that anyone who has been a part of this pool for any length of time would ever pick the Titans to beat the Jags. This matchup several years back was cause for one of the greatest upsets in Swami Pool history; 70 participants took the Titans to win ... and they lost. 'Twas also a crowning Swami achievement. Would've also broken the division game rule.

Skins @ Bengals ... Logic dictates this to be one of the better matchups this week. No rules broken, one of the few this can be said about. And yet ... Skins have shown great flashes and sit 4-3, while the Bengals has shown the reverse and sit 3-4. No one would feel great about this one. Swami Sayeth: Bengals 27, Skins 23.

Jets @ Browns ... No one would take the 0-7 Browns to win, would they? No one would take the 2-5 Jets to win on the road, would they? Because Cleveland, maybe, but remember the Tribe is up 3-1. Swami Sayeth: Browns 20, Jets 19. Darth Bennett likes to live dangerously: Cleveland to win.

Seahawks @ Saints ... Is anyone willing to take the Seahawks traveling cross country on the road? Feel like picking against Brees against a banged up Seattle secondary? No broken rules, just broken dreams for the ones who elect to select this one. Swami Sayeth: Saints 27, Seahawks 16.

Cards @ Panthers ... Hope it doesn't come down to a field goal. Panthers are 1-5 and sputtering, but coming off a bye. The Cards have struggled, but still have weapons galore. Swami Sayeth: Cardinals 30, Panthers 20.

Pats @ Bills ... Rules, rules, rules. Bills cannot beat Patriots twice, can they? With Brady back and lighting things up? Pats are on the road against a team that is in their head. Good luck finding your way with this one. Swami Sayeth: Pats 34, Bills 23.

Raiders @ Bucs ... Meh. Swami Sayeth: Raiders 19, Bucs 17.

Chiefs @ Colts ... Reid's boys seem like the logical pick ... they are just on the road. Swami Says: Chiefs 24, Colts 23.

Lions @ Texans ... The best game no one will watch. Lots of scoring, I think, in this one. No one can really trust the Texans, can the Lions be trusted on the road? Swami Sayeth: Lions 33, Texans 19. If you've gotta pick a winner, make it a Lion, says the Factor.

Chargers @ Denver ... Breaks a divison rule and no one ever likes betting for or against the Chargers. Should be a game the Broncos win. Why, then, are my palms sweating? Swami Sayeth: Broncos 17, Chargers 16. The Swami himself takes the Broncos to win.

Packers @ Falcons ... Good luck with either of these teams. Have no idea what to expect so this one's a full shot in the dark. Swami Sayeth: Falcons 31, Packers 30.

Eagles @ Cowboys ... Division rivalry, two top teams, Dak vs Carson. Too many storylines, just one matters. Swami Sayeth: Boys 24, Eagles 20.

Vikings @ Bears ... Who wants to wait until Monday, really. Division game. Favored team on the road. So many rules to break, so little time. No one will actually pick the Bears, of course, but Vikings are a hard pill to swallow. Swami Sayeth Upset Special: Bears 23, Vikings 18.

Only the Swami remains undefeated; the Factor and Darth have one loss apiece, and Mama Bear lives no more. Once again, we roll Browns, Lions, and Broncos. When has that trifecta EVER hit on the same weekend? Good luck to everyone on this hateful, hateful week.

That is all.

Friday Taunt VII

Twenty four people stepped up to the board with Bart by their side, stinging from the loss, to write "I WILL NOT DO THE DIRTY BIRD" in powder white.

It is a season of slow bleed. There has not been any crushing week of loss, but each week has seen a consistent level of chaos -- which keeps the Reaper busy, but does not satisfy. By comparison, there are almost 50 more participants still alive this season than were at the same point last season.

At this rate, we are on pace to make it to the end of the regular season, which means the playoff rules -- rapidly approaching after Week Nine -- will be important once again.

Weekend Stats
202 participants
115 still alive
40 undefeated
75 with one loss
87 deceased

Onward we roll to Week Eight with many teams on the bye. Good luck to all those who still breathe, may your Monday morning breath be your finest yet.

That is all.

The Root of the Week VII

The Swami household is a conflicted place at present, thanks to the roll call of games slated for the weekend, Week the Seventh as it so happens. There are not many good games to choose from; it is not supposed to be this hard just seven short weeks into the season. 'Tis a veritable crap shoot, as they say.

And yet, here we are, standing upon a precipice overlooking evil match-ups, looking for the lesser and least of them all. Perhaps it is simply the season for 'lesser-of-evil' choices ... and in the end a choice must be made.

Do we break a rule and take the Bengals to beat a divisional foe? The tigermen are at home, and in the words of the immortal Ze German, "Because Cleveland." A good reason, indeed.

It is Week Seven and so there is no rule anymore about picking for or against the Chargers, but they have burned many a fine and fair bridge before. Do we follow the advice of one Mr. Bart Simpson ("I will NOT do the Dirty Bird") or do we roll with Hot-lanta and do that dirty bird all the way into next week?

Do we base our lives on bucking a trend to ride the broncos on Monday night, losers of two in a row? What was the old line about riding the bucking bronco?

Do we go farther afield, perhaps taking the Chiefs against the explosive Saints offense? Not likely. Do we roll a Titan down a merry lane, as some it seems are wont to do? Not hardly.

In the end, the conflict reigns supreme and the Swami clan will diverge and look to all hit that sweet seven on the first roll -- lest we not, and crap out. Myself, breaking rules, because Cleveland. The Factor, shaking that dirty bird. Darth, bucking the trend. Mama Bear, going fully rogue and crossing the pond to take the "home team" in Los Angeles, London.

Will the group survive? Pass the dice, please, new shooter coming out!

That is all.

Friday Taunt VI

Got a package, people. My sincerest condolences to all those who elected to look to Steel a victory this past weekend, Week the Sixth, and came up disappointingly empty. Let it not be said that there were not warnings, let it not be said that we tried not to dissuade you.

The herd is beginning to thin. We lost 27 more for the second and final time with 20 more taking their first loss -- for those counting, almost one third of the pool took it on the chin thanks to the Packers, Broncos, Raiders, Eagles, and, of course, the Steelers. We bid adieu to those who have departed.

We have three weeks left (Seven, Eight, Nine) before the playoff rules kick in; I highly recommend you know what these are. Likewise, it is recommended that you review the spreadsheet to confirm your picks have been recorded correctly each and every week.

Weekly Statistics
202 participants
130 still alive
51 undefeated at 6-0
79 with one loss at 5-1
47 week six losers
27 departed for good
72 deceased

We enter Week Seven, some with exceptional confidence, some with wavering mindsets, some still in a full-scale panic. Ah, the gloriousness that is the Swami Pool. Long may it reign.

That is all.

The Root of the Week VI

Fun facts about cardinals, in case anyone is taking an exam in the near future:

(1) Cardinals are so named for their distinctive coloring, red like the robes of the Cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church, viva la Vatican;

(2) Ornithology is from the greek 'ornis', which means birds, and 'logos', which means explanation -- it is, therefore, an explanation of birds;

(3) Bird-watching is also called birding, and while ornithology is the official study of birds using formal scientific methods, birding is largely for recreational and social purposes;

(4) The cardinal is also thought to be colored red because of its romantic nature, with its chivalrous and old-fashioned courtship methods;

(5) The male cardinal will, during courtship, collect food for the female and actually feed the female himself, often times beak-to-beak in intimate, romantic bonding sessions that occur with great regularity;

(6) Once mated, the beak-to-beak only happens a couple times a month, if the male is lucky;

(7) The cardinal is a noted songbird, with mated male and female singing back and forth in clear whistled patterns, but also quite prideful and jealous as the songs are additionally used to aggressively defend territory and to chase off other males;

(8) Cardinals have resulted in significant losses in the Swami Pool this season, more losses, in fact, than any other team in the league;

(9) There is no rule against picking the Monday Night Football game, but it is a pain in the proverbial tail feathers to have to wait through the weekend and into the following week;

(10) Swami and his clan* will roll with the Cardinals on Monday Night, and will sing a song of their own alongside Faith Hill, set to a tune by Hank Williams, Jr.

That is all.

*Except Darth, who has already tried them, and will instead ride a Ta-Tonka to victory over the Kneeling Kaepernicks.

Day of Wednes Double Taunt V

At long last, statistics. I know how long you have waited, I know how long you have salivated, I know how long you have chewed and chewed and chewed . . . so here I am to double your pleasure and double your fun with a healthy helping of Double Taunt for this most excellent Week the Fifth.

Let us begin with a flashback, however, to Week Four. It was not a pretty week, so I imagine a fair number of you were quite happy with a limited report -- after all, there is no need to wallow in the inferiority of your football acumen. The actual number of those who tasted bitter defeat in Week Four is 67, with a double dozen on their way out the door for good. Most damage was done at the hands of a trendy pre-season Superbowl matchup with the Pats and Cards doing it dirty, and coasting to losses. It might still happen, of course, those teams in the Big Dance, but that will not be of any consolation to those who dearly departed at their hands.

Week Four also saw a fair number of participants elect inexplicably to take the Bengals against the Beloveds, thereby bringing further down the Swami Hex upon themselves. It has become so rampant that the Update Spreadsheet now includes color coding to discern just who still has the Hex upon them, and woe be to those poor souls.

I also understand that some of you might be likely to look to ride the Steelers in Week Six; let me caution you against such foolishness. Manny P, Guapo, and the devilish HARLEYqWIN have already declared their intentions to visit Steeltown this week at the expense of the Beloveds; while it might seem tempting to follow an unabashed coquette like the pig-tailed Harley, there is naught but hex and heartache to be found at the end of that particular road.

Which brings us out of our comic-inspired digression and back into the glorious land of the pigskin, and the light-heartedness that we call Week Five. It was a casual affair, only a fine fifteen finding their way into the loss column -- with a ten-spot given the boot for the final time. It was a small but illustrious group of losers, including one previous winner and a pair of past-year finalists.

The Patriots and Steelers were the safe picks. I would like to add a special congratulations to Duster D 04, who accomplished something heretofore thought impossible: this bold man chose the Raiders to win, and won. Well played, sir. Well played, indeed.

And now we come to the moment you've all been waiting for, a Double Dose of the Weekly Statistics:

202 participants
157 still alive
71 undefeated at 5-0
86 with one loss at 4-1
56 deceased with two losses
41 losers on the cards week four
67 week four losers
15 week five losers
1 undefeated swami at 5-0
1 undefeated swami wife at 5-0
2 swami kids at 4-1

Week Six is around the corner, only one more week before the Rule ends and the Chargers can be selected once again. Only four more weeks before the Playoff Rules go into effect. If you do not know the Playoff Rules (and by rules I mean the actual logistics of the pool, not my own personal Swami rules) -- and these rules are vital so make sure you have them down. Basic strategy demands you do.

Nearly on third of the way there; to those who remain, well done. It is a success to have survived this long. Give yourself a hearty pat on the back -- nay, in honor of the double dose, give yourself two pats. Want someone else to pat your back for you? Well, the Reaper is happy to oblige.

Here endeth the Double Dose.

That is all.

The Root of the Week V

Much has been made in this space in recent weeks regarding the Swami's Rules for Survival. It is well known that to veer off course, to subject yourself to the chaos and devastation that inevitably follows when rules are not adhered to, is a poor way to spend a Sunday.

We will now swing the pendulum back the other direction, however, to analyze just when exactly the rules should be broken -- under what circumstances and what scenarios would the old saying "the exception proves the rule" be just that, the proper time and place for an exception. A timely question, indeed, given I myself will break a rule this week and take a road team to win.

First, the Unbreakable Rule -- there is no exception to picking against the Beloveds. You get the Hex, pure and simple. The next update will, in fact, have notations for all those entries who remain hexed, to help prove the point.

Second, the Chargers Rule -- I personally cannot remember if I have ever gone against this rule, the Chargers scare me mightily and have left so much devastation in their wake over the first third of seasons' past that it is impossible for me to put any sort of myself on them. Remember the Schottenheimer era, when the team would invariably sort 0-3 before winning 13 straight games then losing in the first round of playoffs pretty much every year? Devastation in their wake. Picking the Chargers is like a Hunger Games cornucopia: it looks so tempting, so enticing, until you get there. May the odds be ever in your favor.

Third, the multi-pick rule -- just good business. Why put every egg in the same basket. You can if you want to, there are exceptions here, but this is our "good strategy" rule, not specific to picking teams.

Which leaves the last two: don't pick a team playing within its own division and do not pick a team playing on the road. I'll be honest, it is near impossible to go an entire season without breaking one of these rules. You have to pick your spots, however.

Personally, I am very much against divisional match-ups; the teams know each other better than other teams in the league and divisional games are usually tough. Still, there are times where it might be beneficial, and exceptions can be made.

Occasionally it is acceptable to consider the idea of picking a team playing on the road, if certain other factoids speak in favor of the decision. Case in point: the Swami pick for this week is the New England Patriots to beat the Cleveland Browns. Cleveland has not looked awful in recent weeks, better than expected, and they are at home, so common logic and normal rule procedure would seem to preclude the notion of taking New England.

But ... Tom Brady is back. Tom Brady is pissed off. The Patriots got shut out at home last week. The Patriots are pissed off. Belichick rarely loses two games in a row. Belichick is pissed off. Pissed off Patriots tend to lead to big wins.

Hence, an exception can be made. Hence, the Swami rolls with the Patriots, as does the Factor and Darth Bennett. Mama Bear, having broken the rules one week too early, will look for Big Ben to chime out the victory call in Steeltown, USA.

A Double Update awaits you all on Tuesday. Best of luck on a safe trip through to Week Six.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt IV

To punt something is to delay in taking action. Also, it is something professional football coaches never fake, much to my own dismay. A good fake punt is worth it's weight in gold, and yet rarely is such a sight to be seen in today's NFL.

The blog this week features a photo of an Arizona Cardinal punting, because it is apt. First, I have punted the Update from this week into next week, a rare thing indeed; sometimes, however, it cannot be helped. I have punted it away and will look to rebound with a double dose next week. Second, one thing I do know without an official tally is that we lost a fair many people this past weekend (Week Four) who put their faith in birds, not rules, and lost.

But I digress. More words looking back will follow early next week. Until then, I will head back into my swamp where the work overwhelms like moss on the very trees. A special update next week with lots of interesting tidbits and info.

That is all.

The Root of the Week IV

Five minutes to kick-off, two games already completed with the Bengals besting the Beloveds on Thursday and the Jags horse-collaring the Colts across the pond. The masses are moving in many directions this week, too many to chart fully. Cardinals, Redskins, Texans, Vikings, Patriots, and others all get play this week.

And so the Swami Clan moves as well in four different directions this week, taking one apiece the Redskins, Vikings, Patriots, and Cardinals. I myself roll with Ze German's beloved Redskins, in honor of his selection of my own Beloveds last week. Hopefully it works out as well for me as it did for him.

Onward we merrily roll into Week Four.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt III

Hello, everybody, and a very pleasant good evening to you*. My Beloveds are about to take center stage on Thursday night football, which means it is actually a game that most of us can watch ... and four days after their win in South Florida, most of you are probably back to breathing normally again.

I, of course, never doubted it for a second. I am the Swami after all.

Not all have the same clairvoyance, however: forty souls dropped week three, ten for the second and final time. That represents just over 20% of the remaining field, a moderate number for a still-early season.

For those who picked the Beloveds last weekend, for those for whom this applies, the Hex is now officially off. If you elect to pick against the Beloveds next week or any week hereafter, the Hex be back upon you like Jobu on rum.

Weekend Statistics
202 participants
123 undefeated at 3-0
69 with one loss at 2-1
40 week three losers
15 deceased

Note: all four Swami clan members still remain alive (yours truly, The Factor, Mama Bear, and Darth Bennett). In Week Four, the clan will split and decisions will be made.

One hour to kickoff. Time to put on my orange wig, team poncho, and ceremonial gas mask. Gloriousness awaits.

That is all.

*Ah, Vin. Another Beloved. You will be missed.

The Root of the Week III

Ah, 'tis a glorious weekend, indeed.

Few are the spaces of calm one finds in this era in which we live, fewer and farther still between do such moments provide depth of quality thought or flashest of purest insight; it is for this reason specifically that such moments must be treasured.

I will treasure this moment, the calm before the Sunday storm, as we watch my Beloveds take center stage as the most popular selection in Week Three. What's more, the selection of the Beloveds does not break any rule, not one, and incurs no Hex ... quite the opposite in fact.

And so as Saturday comes to a close and the game in South Florida kicks off in just over ten hours, I will say thank you to those who put your faith in the Fish, thank you to those who honor the Beloveds this week, and that I, as well, and the whole of my clan will put ourselves on the line along with you.

Dolphins 31, Browns 16.

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt II (Wednesday Version)

We bid adieu to five special gentlemen, the first five, heretofore known as the Five Guys. Disclaimer: the excellent burger chain has not sponsored this post in any way, shape, or form, but if you know someone who owns a Five Guys franchise, I am happy to accept sponsorship.

We bid adieu to Lloyd Bridges (looks like he picked the wrong week to stop picking winners) and D-White 03 (just the bronze entry anyway) and Runs Like a Gurley (excellence in namesmanship does not always mean excellence in gamesmanship) and Amazingandre 05 (fifth-most amazing means uno dos, adios) and Bonanza (found a nice large stash of cubic zirconia).

Goodbye, gentlemen. Until next season.

As for the rest, we have found a good deal of success thus far: 148 souls still reside in the land of the unblemished. Only the aforementioned five have crossed over, leaving the remaining 49 living with one foot already in the frying pan. As always, when it comes to movie quotes and metaphors, watch me for the changes and try and keep up, ok?

On another topic, I have long considered adding a sixth rule to the Pool. Ultimately, there is no need, few follow the rules to begin with -- hence the usual devastation and chaos -- but still, I've got a piece to speak, and blow hot or cold I'm going to speak it. One of my own personal informal rules is, never ever never pick the Raiders to win.

And yet ... and yet ... few seem to share this rule.

Thirteen participants, including many a Swami-pool veteran, went with the Raiders this past weekend ... and lo and behold, the silver and black swept them away. Please tell me, at what point over the course of the last decade have the Raiders inspired even an ounce of confidence? I was shocked to see the Raider picks roll in, shocked to see there were double digit numbers, and then not surprised in the slightest to watch them derail. I'm still not adding this as an official rule, five seems a gloriously round number for rules, but feel free to remember this as as a sixth little unspoken rule.

To the statistics:

Weekend Stats - Week Two
202 participants
148 undefeated at 2-0
49 with one loss
30 week two losers
5 deceased via uno dos

Week Three awaits. Remember the rules. One last note: for those who have the Swami Hex upon them, I will extend this one time offer: put your support behind the Beloveds in Week Three, and the Hex shall be removed.

That is all.

The Root of the Week II

I have a story to tell; tell it, I shall.

One night, not too long ago, two men stood under heavy spotlight in the center of a room. They were singing, poorly, belting out a roaring duet that was not well-received by operatic aficionados, but quite well considered by the crowd assembled for the occasion.

Both men were thought in that moment to be on mutually transcendent paths, as if strapped together to a rocket ship that would blast them simultaneously off to limitless heights. The first called his home the deep south, the second the west coast.

This was punditry and prediction, however, not undisputed fact, and so it shall come as no surprise to those with shares fair of knowledge that the prevailing theory did not come to pass as planned. Indeed, 'twas no more than half right.

In the two years that followed, deep south would ride the rocket ship skyward, not reaching fully the heights but coming within hair's breadth. He would develop a powerful brand, as well, as much about his prowess on field as his impact off. He is without question one of his profession's most impactful -- and influential -- players.

To make a long story short -- too late -- the west coast did not. Three time zones away, west coast faltered, stumbled, then fell. There were flashes of possible return to form, hints of possible resurrection, but all for naught. The bench was his true and rightful home, and there he remained.

In fact, he became so enamored with and accustomed to sitting the bench that he did so once even when he was not supposed to ... and thus was thrust back into the spotlight of prominence that had eluded him for twenty plus months. West coast now has a new rocket ship; whether it blasts him to new heights or detonates just after lift-off remains to be seen, but his footprint hardens now in the annals of sports and national history.

Of course, it has nothing to do with football, the footprint or the rocket ship -- which is why my story ends here, and why the masses are moving quite definitively in one direction, Newton-esque I dare say, with force and motion and momentum as only Sir Isaac could love*. There are other selections: a few Cardinals, a few Ravens, a few Broncos, a few Seahawks, a few Lions, even a few Patriots as some poor souls brave the double Swami Hex.

The Swami has never liked moving with the masses. This is known. He prefers and has always preferred to move not to the measured beat, but his own glorious rhythm. And yet ... and yet ...

Carolina, for the win.

That is all.

*See what I did there? Newton double entendre. I just left my customary double entendre indecency home, as children might be reading.

Tuesday Taunt I

At this time I would like to introduce a very respected, very educated, very experienced participant in the Swami Pool ... myself. Allow myself to introduce myself, that I might once more shed some light on yonder poor, beleaguered heads. 

I know most of you survived this past weekend, and yet, was it really a victory? Christopher Guest just showed up to tell me he shaved one year of your life away, and for science, wants to know how it felt. Several prominent therapists and several successful cardiologists received calls on Monday morning, as the masses sought to calm the collective stress and anxiety produced by this most remarkable first Sunday of NFL play.

A quick detour into the land of definitions: 

near miss ... noun ... (1) a narrowly avoided collision or other accident; synonyms: close thing, near thing, narrow escape, close call, close shave, "two airliners were involved in a near miss yesterday" (2) a bomb or shot that just misses its target (3) when the Reaper's scythe sweeps overhead, but only clips a hair or two or three en route to a quiet first week.

It was a near miss of epic proportions this past weekend ... and the call was close specifically because you people did not follow the rules. The rules are there for your protection, to keep you safe, and yet like rebellious children you do not follow them. One last time, for the uninitiated:

Rule #1 - Don't pick a team on the road.

Rule #2 - Don't pick a team playing in its own division.

Rule #3 - Do not pick for or against the Chargers prior to Week Six.

Rule #4 - Do not use all multiple picks on the same team.

Rule #5 - Do not, not ever, pick against the Swami's Beloved Dolphins.

Adhere to the above rules without fail. Still, you did not. There were more than 110 Chiefs and Seahawks takers, all of whom needed an extra shot of booze during the day and an extra prozac that night, just to calm the craziness of those two games that were won by bare, barest of margins ... in games with picks that went expressly against the rules. There will be consequences. The Swami Hex is officially on 73 entries.

Quick Weekend Stats

199 participants

29 week one losers via the panthers, falcons, cowboys, colts, cardinals, rams

73 seahawks survivors with the swami hex now upon them

41 bold talkers of a road team in a division game, the chiefs

We currently sit at 199 entries (a new record) with a possible few more trickling in that I missed on the first pass at the spreadsheet. We will top 200 for the first time ever.

Onward we merrily roll as the Swami Suicide Pool of 2016 continues.

That is all.

The Root of the Week I

The very notion of 'beginning' is a powerful one, if one so chooses to see it so. There is no purer moment, no more uninhibited realm. We begin, and hope springs eternal. We begin, and all else is wiped clean. We begin, and there is magic inherent. 'Twas a wise man who said, "It is time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings." Wise, indeed, for rare has a greater truth been said, and so we thank the good Meister for his excellent turn of phrase and take his words most readily to heart: there is magic in the air, the kind of magic only the fall can bring.

Ladies and gentlemen, honored guests, colleagues, heroes, villains, compatriots, competitors, lovers, and friends, I bid you welcome once more to another great and glorious year of the Suicide Pool. Allow myself to introduce myself, your host, the mischievous, oft-villainous, perhaps murderous, always iniquitous Swami of House Me, first of my name.

For those who are new to the Pool, you have much to learn, and I as your illustrious host am here to guide you and teach you, and help you along your merry way. We shall stay one step ahead of the Reaper himself, preferably two steps, for the Reaper waits on the fringes of our pool -- waiting for those who stumble and fall, waiting with sharpened scythe to finish them off. It could be short, it could be expansive, it will always be informative.

But how best to avoid the Reaper? How best to ensure you are the one left standing when the dust settles? Many men, women, and children have taken their own quite curious roads to reach the promised land; who will join them? Who will guide them?

Yes, my friends, I will come now to tell of the Two Staples and Five Rules of the Swami Suicide Pool. Rules are made to be broken, 'tis true, and more rules than one cares to admit will be broken this weekend by many experienced veterans of the Pool, and still. Still you must know them, must lay your head on the pillow and remember them, must post them widely and reverently across all manner of media.

The Two Staples of the Suicide Pool are the Root of the Week and the Tuesday Taunt. In the former, the Swami lays down his own weekly pick in advance of Sunday play, as well as the trending popular selections (and while the NFL has dropped Roman Numerals, not so shall the Swami's Root). In the latter, he taunts all those who perished the weekend prior with a Tuesday (oft Wednesday or Thursday) blog post and group email. The Swami, you will come to know, loves chaos, and relishes it.

The Five Rules for making selections in the Suicide Pool are as follows: (1) Never pick a road team; (2) Never pick a team playing a team within its own division; (3) Never pick the Chargers prior to Week Six; (4) Never pick the same team with all five of your entries; and, most importantly, (5) Never pick against the Swami's orange and aqua Beloveds, lest you risk the Swami Hex. Know, and remember.

It seems already there are those who have forgotten the rules -- the Beloveds, they of the 10.5 road-team-underdog status -- are a popular pick on this first week. It should be noted that even if you select the Seahawks and they win this week, it does not save you from the Swami Hex: it is written in sand and in stone and in fire that no participant who picks the Dolphins to lose shall ever win the Suicide Pool.

The masses have not moved in as many directions as usual for Week One; last season saw half the league selected. This week, however, it seems the Seahawks (boo) and Chiefs, with a smattering of others thrown in for good measure.

I myself have ruminated and marinated on multiple options in recent days, trying to find the best and most likely option; it has taken all my thought and some considerable skill to find the proper choice this first week. There will be no breaking of the Rules this week.

Give me JJ Watt and the Bad Boys of Texas, Houston that is, for the win.

And so, once more without further ado, with the first Root set and the Pool locked and loaded, I declare this season of the Swami Suicide Pool officially open.

That is all.

Welcome, Lords and Ladies, to the Swami Suicide Pool 2016 ...

Well, hello my lovelies, my beautiful people, has it been so long? The wait has indeed been long, nigh unbearable, and yet it seems we have come once again, come at last, come together to the start of the journey, the stoop of the door, the first rung of the ladder---the return of the NFL Suicide Pool, and yours truly.

It is hoped that time has healed all your wounds, after the chaos and devastation of last season. The entries are flying in, and remarkably we even has our first loss of the season: at least one woebegone participant got Gano-ed on Thursday night.

Let us remove ourselves, however, from the lanai of inconsequential conversation, and repair instead to the sitting room of substantial thought; my fountain of words will not run dry in weeks to come, but there is much to attend to on this fine evening.

And so, as they say, to business.

Let this post serve as your official reference point for all things related to the Swami Suicide Pool. NFL Suicide Pools have a simple premise: you pick the winner of one single NFL game each week (straight up, no point spreads) and if the team you choose wins their game, you advance to the next week. 

If your team loses, you take a loss, and in the Swami's Pool two losses eliminates you from competition. You may not pick the same team twice during the regular season (see below for special playoff rules). There are additional details, of course, but the above is the general gist of things.

That's it, although you are still highly encouraged to read the following in-depth breakdown in its entirety, even those who are experienced Swami Suicide Pool veterans.

(1) Entries - Each participant may enter a minimum of one (1) and a maximum of five (5) entries.

(2) Picks - You pick the winner of a single NFL game each week. No point spreads are involved, which means you pick the straight-up winner. Please note that ties count as losses. Kindly email your weekly picks to SwamiSuicidePool@gmail.com.

(3) Deadline -You must get your pick in by the start of your chosen team’s game (kick-off). If you neglect to send a pick in a given week, the default pick is the home team for the Monday night game. If you have already used that team, the Monday night visiting team is your selection. If you have already used both teams, you lose.

(4) Format - This is a double-elimination tournament; you are allowed one loss. Uno, dos, adios!

(5) Disputes - If rule clarifications or amendments are required mid-season (unlikely) or in the event of disputes (also unlikely), all decisions made by the Swami are final.

(6) Updates - An update email will be sent each week with the number of surviving players, the coming week's schedule of games, and pick selections from the previous weeks. The update will usually come on Tuesday, although the Swami reserves the right to stretch it later into the week, if needed. You can also check this blog for the update. Additionally, the Swami will post his own weekly pick on Saturdays prior to Sunday play, lest he picks the Thursday game, in which case twill be posted on the Day of Wednes.

(7) Playoffs - The playoff structure for 2016 is identical to the format used the past six seasons. Starting in Week Ten (10) of the regular season, any team chosen by a participant is NOT eligible to be selected in the playoffs, where the standard Suicide Rules will apply (i.e. you select one team to win per weekend playoff round). Teams chosen in Weeks One thru Nine (1-9) will be available to be re-selected in the playoffs.

Kindly address questions to the Swami at SwamiSuicidePool@gmail.com.

And so I will leave you all for the time being as I retire to the sanctity of my inner sanctum; my robes and my crystal ball await, my all-seeing eye is twitching, and the Reaper waits beyond yonder door, at the ready should I stumble. I will return in short order with the first Root of the Week as the world waits eagerly on the eve of gridiron battle.

Let the Swami ride again.

That is all.

The Pool is Coming . . .