Thursday Taunt VI

The Dirty Dozen.

There are twelve undefeateds remaining, six short weeks in. There are forty-six participants in total, six short weeks in. By comparison, the numbers were 22/95 at this stage last year, the 2011 campaign, which everyone thought was a tough year of universal devastation and pain en masse.

This year makes 2011 look like a children's choir singing Kumbaya.

Weekend Statistics

135 participants

12 undefeateds

34 with one loss

89 participants dead

15 week six losers

Fifteen more souls depart, and there is no Second Life for them to turn to. They enter that gray twilight, that sad purgatory that exists between football pool death and the following pre-season. It is a long, sad time, and we wish you well.

That is all.

The Root of the Week VI

My apologies to those few of you who perished on the Steelers this past Thursday. Still, once again, picking teams on the road is a sure-fire way to reach your Second Life.

We've got another monster brewing in Week Six, with the masses flying high with the Dirty Birds. In years past I would not think much of such a week, prepping my dialogue for the eventuality that was everyone moving forward safely, but this is 2012, the year of chaos and destruction, the year of upset death, and so.

And so I tread warily upon the commentary this week. The Swami Curse has crushed many a poor participant this year, and I know the power of my words. More to the point is the fact that I, too, in Second Life, and the Spawn and Factor in Suicide, are also rolling Hot-lanta style. We move forward, or perish, together.

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt V

Weekend Statistics
61 participants
14 undefeateds
47 with one loss
14 week five losers

Oh, what a woeful group the losers are this week. Some fourteen in all, the general sentiment is that those who perished need not have perished, and deserve their defeat.

Why, you ask? Of what sin and woe doth the Swami speak?

Packers, Chargers, Bengals. Do not pick teams on the road. Do not pick the Chargers before Week Six. Do not pick against my Beloveds.

All of this is known, and yet . . . and yet . . . fourteen of you tempted fate. Fourteen souls got lost in the dark, not knowing or not caring to know, not following the Suicide law, and as such, fourteen souls perished. A sad day, but no one will ask why.

Which leaves us with 61 participants still standing, less than one-half the field only five weeks in, with lots more football to play. Perhaps playoff strategy begins to melt as week-to-week survival moves to the fore.

That is all.

The Root of the Week V

"I am born again, and live a second life."

So sayeth the Swami, and a handful of others who find new lease on life with the 1st Annual Swami Second Life Pool.

Not to be confused with the brave souls who still diligently strive for success and glory in the Suicide Pool, and contrary to common question, never the twain shall meet. In separation infinitus.

The Swami rides the coattails of the Spawn this week, plopping my Second Life down on what lies at the top of the beanstalk, along with my little deductions --- and my yang, as it happens. The other members of the Swami ride Coughlin's brood in Week Five, as well.

Action on the G-Men, the 49ers, the Texans, the Vikings, and a host of other teams much likelier to lose. Week Five in 2011 was brutal on the Giants; perhaps the chaos will reign again in 2012, though it is unlikely.

Strap on your cap, buckle your belt, and grab your wooden club as we roll into Week Five, Fo Fum, where I smell the end of this meaningless pun.

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt IV

Weekend Statistics

135 participants
17 undefeateds
56 with one loss
62 deceased
5 week four losers

Perhaps you think it's time to get comfortable. Have a seat on the couch, put the feet up, grab a cold one, slip a hand in. Perhaps, by virtue of one successful week of football.

Sadly, you are mistaken.

Like Phil and the Jam of Pearl, I can feel it coming, and the Swami is never wrong. Week Five was an E.L.E. in 2011. What will the coming weekend bring?

Someone call Morgan Freeman. I'm headed for the caves.

That is all. 

The Root of the Week IV (Sunday Edition)

Dare you watch this weekend, knowing what carnage has come before?

The action flows four ways, on Broncos and Falcons, on Texans and Cardinals. The latter is most susceptible to failure, going against my Beloveds.

The Thursday horse has already come home, with many flying high with the Ravens, looking forward to Week Five.

For those left scrapping, here's hoping the stress does not sabotage your Sunday. For those soon-to-be or recently deceased, the Second Life Pool beckons, and beckons soon.

That is all.

Memories of a Time Not-So-Long Past

Well, I’ve done worse than getting bounced from the Pool in week three.  A few years ago I'd barely scrubbed the Labor Day hamburger grease off the grill when I caught the shimmer of the Reaper’s scythe reflecting off the Weber Genesis. "You gotta be kidd –“ is all I could utter before the swift end came.  Zing!  Oh-for-two.

At least this year I had a fleeting moment of glory way back in mid-September – pre-Jay Cutler’s teammates hating him – when the Bears steamrolled the Colts.  I was young and rebellious then; a cocky kid full of reckless abandon.  Ah… my halcyon days.  The memories are mostly faded now but I recall it as a simpler, more innocent time.  When high school refs could fulfill their dream of officiating NFL games.

But there will come a day when I can live again.  A day when I can accept an inept Cardinals offense outscoring Tom Brady and the Pats.  A day when I can wrap my head around the Saints blowing an 18-point lead against the Chiefs.  Yes.  I'll live again.  Maybe round about, oh, week five perhaps.

Congrats to those few who’ve made it through this three-week gauntlet still intact.  Well done.

-- Shapeshifter

The Root of Week IV (Thursday Edition)

And so open here I fling the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter, in there steps a raven of the saintly days of yore.

And this raven, never flitting, still with patient perch is sitting, on the gleaming statue of the Swami by the door.

And his eyes have all the seeming of that Swami who is dreaming, of the spawn and wife who family mantle burdens bore,

And this raven still beguiling all my fancy into smiling, on this night shall ease their plight, and bear them past Week Four*.

That is all.

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*The Spawn and Factor, and whole lot of other people.

Tuesday Taunt III

'Tis far, far too early for the Reaper to make his annual appearance on the pages of the Suicide blog, but it is safe to say that there will be no worse weekend for the participants of 2012 than that most recently ended, and so.

The scythe was swift and brutal, and lopped off a full on-third of the remaining field. 51 were ended for the second and final time, including for the earliest showing of his distinguished career, the Swami himself.

It should be mentioned that of the Swami, the Factor, and the Swami Spawn, only the Spawn remain undefeated. Which makes less than no sense, given the first-grade mentality of the selectors. Literally.

Weekly Statistics

135 participants
90 week three losers
18 undefeated
60 with one loss
57 deceased

Week Three came close to the record-setting Week Five of 2011, when 92 perished, but the argument can be made that this weekend was worse; most of the 2011 losses were first-timers. The second death for 51 makes the Reaper a very happy hell-spawn, and so.

I have no expectation for Week Four. In truth, perhaps those perished can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing they must not wade into the waters of this ridiculous season once more. Perhaps the old saying fits, and the living truly do envy the dead*.

That is all.

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*Of course, those dead do get a second shot at life with the Swami's Second Life Pool. See post below for more details and watch for the forthcoming email.

Monday Mayhem & the Phoenix Rising

Let us be clear on one thing before the rest: this season, the 2012 NFL season, is stupid. Ridiculous stupid. WTF stupid. "Who-the-hell-knows-what-is-happening-here" stupid.

A synonym for stupid is dumb, and we all know there's two kinds of dumb: the guy that gets naked, runs out into the snow, and barks at the moon, and the guy who does the same thing in my living room. The first one doesn't matter; the second you're forced to deal with.

There was devastation en masse again in Week Three. There were perhaps five relatively safe picks to be made, and two considered locks. Both locks lost. Three of the five lost. And there was glorious chaos as a result.

I don't have the final figures, but it is entirely possible that this week tops the previous record of 92 deaths in Week Five of last season, when the Seahawks went cross-country and torched the Giants. By virtue of the 49ers, Saints, and Steelers, the 2012 Suicide Pool is in shambles.

Which pleases me, as you know how much I enjoy devastation. It provides fodder for excellent commentary, and my word-smithery knows no bounds. 

And yet . . . and yet . . . three weeks is too soon. Too soon for so many to perish.

And so like the Phoenix of old rising from the ashes, reborn, remade, made whole, so too will there be grace granted to the Suicide Pool participants of 2012. You will not be remade, no, but you will be offered a second lease on life. A second life, if you will.

Announcing the first ever Swami Suicide Second Life Pool, offered only and exclusively to those participants in the main event this year. It is offered to all participants, even those still alive in the main event. It will be a separate pool, however; there will be no cross-over.

Details are forthcoming, but I can drop the following tidbits: (1) we will begin in Week 5; (2) playoff rules will be the same as the main event; (3) you can enter up to 3 times, with $20 for 1, $40 for 2, and $50 for 3; (4) you will get two losses, BUT if your first loss comes with a deficit of MORE THAN 14 points, you are knocked out of the pool entirely, so choose well.

It seems the Swami has a heart after all. My benevolence, as well, knows no bounds.

That is all.