The Root of the Week IV

How dare you.

How dare you dubious degenerates, looking to actively root against the Swami Beloveds on Monday night. Do you not know of the Swami wrath? Do you not know of the Swami Hex? 

The Reaper is grinning, his scythe sharpened, as he awaits yonder Tuesday morning, and the Swami waits to Taunt those who Saintly fell.

You still have time to change your pick. If you do not, and death awaits, do not say I did not warn you.

For the rest---those wiser, more compassionate, more amiable---I will direct my below comments to you.

Hello! I hope all is well with you, my friends, friends of years, friends of tears! I wish you all the best this week, Week the Fourth, and while normally I enjoy chaos and the creation of havoc, in this instance I am hoping your every pick comes through, your every hope and dream comes true. As for Swami, the choice proved difficult, but as the Chief myself of this pool, the answer came soon and swift enough.

Oh, and one more thing: as Tarantino Leo was apt to say, I am always looking for a good bit of fun, and so I will grant one free entry ($40 value) to the participant he or she who texts me the hometown birthplace of the first Dolphin to score a touchdown on Monday Night.

Jobu will be watching. The Swami hex be on those who ride the heavens.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt III

It seems to me there are some of you who are not quite sure what you're doing. For instance, when the Swami says the Seattle Seahawks are the biggest Lock Pick in the history of the Suicide Pool, when they are favored by 20 points, and when the only question is when and by how much they will cover, you pick the Seattle Seahawks.

I am not shocked that 94 of you did just that. I am shocked that there were 63 of you who did not.

Like a 5-year old stepping off the platform of a 4-story zip line in Lake Tahoe, 63 participants took a plunge with little knowledge of what would happen come the end of the line. But while the Son of Swami stuck his own landing and hauled himself to safety, 24 of you clipped it and plummeted to a very painful Week Three loss.

And so here we stand with our Week Three statistics, which feature a bevy of undefeated beauties . . . though not as many as should be.

Week Three Stats
94 undefeated at 3-0
58 with one loss
24 week three losers
8 deceased

It should also be noted that the Suicide Pool is often cruel and often fickle, and so we bid adieu to Dr. L and That Guy, who both went undefeated in the regular season last year, but have accumulated a pair of losses already in 2013. We also say goodbye to veterans Wick & Chick and Dawg Pound, who will burn and bark no more, and Bootleg Right, who booted himself right on out the door.

Perhaps next time when the Swami speaks, the masses will listen.

That is all.

The Root of the Week III

"I hear you have a great big line. May I see it please?"

So were these words spoken at every sports book in America in recent days, as word of the nearly three touchdown spread was passed down from degenerate to degenerate. It is unlikely many took up the mantle and laid down their dollars on a line so large, a Wahlbergian line as they say in the trenches of Nevada and also the San Fernando Valley --- but for purposes of Suicide, where no lines exist, the knowledge of 19 points given is like sweet, sweetest music.

And so like the children following the Pied Piper, the participants have followed that sweet music all the way to the Great Northwest, and so too has followed the Swami. There are a few holdouts, most electing the Mile High or the Land of 1000 Lakes or Beantown or the Bay, the greatest mass has moved to that land of so little sunlight, in what must be the biggest "lock" pick in Suicide history. Of course, we have seen this story play out before, and the Reaper is waiting. Pride cometh before the fall.

The Colonel sends his regards.

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt II

Bigg Doggs and Mad Dogs and Monkeys, oh my!

The Wicked Witches of the Western United States struck, and struck hard this past Sunday, and so at the hands of the Chargers and Cardinals fall the Eagles and Lions, and so in turn pass from our midst, like white mist from the mouth on a cold, cold night, the three participants known as Big Dogg 02, Mad Dog 03, and Monkey 01. Luckily, all three gentlemen have other lives remaining with which to haphazardly bet, throwing caution to the wind, and disregarding all Swami Rules.

For the uninitiated, let us rehash the Three Rules for Staying Alive in Suicide:

#01 - Do not pick a team to win on the road.
#02 - Do not pick a team to beat a team in its own division.
#03 - Do not pick a game in which the Chargers are playing, for or against, before Week 06.

All three of our deceased participants, who have tied together for 158th place, broke one of the above rules, and paid the ultimate price -- along with sixteen other unfortunate souls. 

Week Two Statistics
160 participants
113 undefeated
44 with one loss
3 deceased

Week Three is right around the corner. I expect there to be significant action on one game in particular, and while I am not one to usually fly with the flock, in this case it may very well be unavoidable. We shall see come the Root of the Week.

That is all.

The Root of the Week II

The masses fall into two categories this good and glorious second week: those who have, and those who yet. Those who have are, not unsurprisingly, in the minority, and they are the ones sitting fat and fancy this weekend, free of heart and spirit, secure in the knowledge that they will move on to Week Three.

I am, of course, referring to those who took the Patriots on Thursday night.

There were a good many, and they sweated out a prime time nail-biter with Angry Tom and the Gang Green Genos, but ultimately prevailed --- and so they watch with gleeful amusement as the rest of the masses sweat out their own Week Two selections.

Which are rather varied, it seems.

We have the Bears, the Eagles, the Ravens, the Packers, the Bengals, the Vikings, the Saints, the Falcons, the Cardinals, and even the Raiders in on the action, with the Ravens getting the most action of the above bunch.

But like a herd of cattle crossing the Texas panhandle, pack mentality in spades, the heaviest flow of participants has migrated to old Reliant Stadium, and put their money on the solitary star. I will join them.

That is all.

The Wrath of the Tuesday Taunt Returneth

For those who were here last season, and have made the Swami Blog a 'must read' part of the week, you will recall the opening frame of the 2012 Suicide season, in which much was made of parity in the NFL.

The evidence for this claim of parity---and for those who follow politics, and therefore have no knowledge of such things, evidence is the available body of facts or information indicating whether a belief or proposition is true or valid---was in the form of 16 teams selected in Week One last year, fully half the NFL teams.

Well, I submit again this proposition of parity, and for once we all enjoy a proposition that does not entail my dressing up as Little Bo Peep.

Eighteen teams. That's 18, for the illiterate. More than half the teams in the NFL were selected by participants in Week One of 2013, which means some games had participants on both sides of the battle.

Granted, there are at present 159 participants signed on for this year, a Swami Suicide Pool record, and when the post office is visited tomorrow and a few write-ins are added to the fold, the number will undoubtedly cross the 160 mark. More participants means more potential for utterly bone-headed moves. Like picking against my Beloveds, and yes I'm looking at you, newbie.

Nearly 20% of the field lost its first life, most at the hands of Steel City, whose proud team melted in the bright lights of their home stadium like the Robert Patrick T-1000, beaten down by the mighty, god-like Titans. Well, not really so much mighty, but the narrative plays into the photo above, and so.

Lady Luck lifted the Swami to glorious heights with a Week One win, however, along with 75 other souls as the top Root of the Week. Patriots fans survived, as well, though not without chewing a little bit back in waning moments.

Weekly Statistics
159 participants
128 undefeateds
31 with one loss
18 teams chosen
6 losing teams
1 bet on Cleveland

And so the band plays on as our merry little flotilla launches from port for the wide open seas, and only you can captain your own ship through the dangerous, choppy waters ahead. Will you survive the voyage? Only the Swami's crystal ball knows for sure.

That is all.

The Root of the Week I

Ladies and gentlemen, honored guests, compatriots, colleagues, competitors, and friends, I bid you welcome to another great and glorious year of the Suicide Pool.

It is customary at this time for the host, yours truly, to wax poetic on the wonders of football and the delights of gambling degeneration, the perils and pleasures of weekly team selection. And so allow myself to introduce myself, for I am that afore-mentioned host, the murderous, villainous, iniquitous Swami Me.

There are some of you who are new to the Pool, and thus have not had the benefit of my dialogue-ing ways, but let it be heard now that you shall come to know them. Oh yes, you shall.

For those who are new, there are two staples of the Suicide Pool blog: the Root of the Week and the Tuesday Taunt. In the former, the Swami lays down his weekly pick in advance of Sunday play, as well as the trending popular selections. In the latter, he taunts all those who perished the weekend prior. The Swami loves chaos, and relishes it.

Week One is always all over the map, and so we've got action on multiple teams: Steelers, Patriots, Bucs, Colts, Broncos, Cowboys, Rams, Seahawks, and of course, one wonderful young person on my Beloveds, the Dolphins of Miami. In other words, the situation is ripe; it is unlikely all will move unscathed to Week Two.

As for the Swami himself, I will join the multitude and root for the offspring Lady Luck (as pictured above). I feel confident this image is an accurate representation, and I feel equally confident in Andrew's horses to ride me into Week Two*.

And so, without further ado, I declare this season of Suicide officially open.

That is all.

*Often I will be cryptic about my pick, and you will have to figure it out. For those who did not, I am on the Colts.

Welcome to Football . . .

As Shooter was wont to say, my friends, my beautiful friends, friends of years, friends of tears, the time has come upon us once again. The moment we have waited for has arrived after very long, very sad months---the return of the NFL Suicide Pool, and yours truly.

Time has healed the wounds of 2012, it seems, as a record-breaking group jogs onto the field, some having already secured their first win of the season at the hooves of those delightful Broncos.

Let us dispense with the pleasantries, however, as there will be plenty of time for word-smithery in weeks to come. Let this post serve as your official reference points for all things Suicide Pool.

NFL Suicide Pools have a simple premise: you pick the winner of one single NFL game each week (straight up, no point spreads) and if the team you choose wins their game, you advance to the next week. 

If your team loses, you take a loss, and in the Swami's Suicide Pool two losses eliminates you from competition. You may not pick the same team twice during the regular season (see below for special playoff rules). There are additional details, of course, which are outlined below, but the above is the general gist of things.

That's it, although you are still highly encouraged to read the following in-depth breakdown in its entirety, even those who are experienced Swami Suicide Pool veterans.

(1) Entries - Each participant may enter a minimum of one (1) and a maximum of five (5) entries.

(2) Picks - You pick the winner of a single NFL game each week. No point spreads are involved, which means you pick the straight-up winner. Please note that ties count as losses. Kindly email your weekly picks to SwamiSuicidePool@gmail.com.

(3) Deadline -You must get your pick in by the start of your chosen team’s game (kick-off). If you neglect to send a pick in a given week, the default pick is the home team for the Monday night game. If you have already used that team, the Monday night visiting team is your selection. If you have already used both teams, you lose.

(4) Format - This is a double-elimination tournament; you are allowed one loss. Uno, dos, adios!

(5) Disputes - If rule clarifications or amendments are required mid-season (unlikely) or in the event of disputes (also unlikely), all decisions made by the Swami are final.

(6) Updates - An update email will be sent each week with the number of surviving players, the coming week's schedule of games, and pick selections from the previous weeks. The update will usually come on Tuesday, although the Swami reserves the right to stretch it later into the week, if needed. You can also check this blog for the update.

(7) Playoffs - The playoff structure for 2013 is identical to the 2012, 2011, and 2010 formats. Starting in Week Ten (10) of the regular season, any team chosen by a participant is NOT eligible to be selected in the playoffs, where the standard Suicide Rules will apply (i.e. you select one team to win per weekend playoff round). Teams chosen in Weeks One thru Nine (1-9) will be available to be re-selected in the playoffs.

Kindly address questions to the Swami at SwamiSuicidePool@gmail.com.

And so I will leave you all for the time being as I crawl into my robes and gaze into the crystal once more, to return in short order with the first Root of the Week as the world waits eagerly on the eve of gridiron battle.

Let the Swami ride again.

That is all.

The Night Before Football . . .

'Twas a Mile High beat down and all through the league,

not a GM was smiling, nor mildly pleased.

The touchdowns were hung on the scoreboard with care,

in hopes that good ratings still would be there.

The Ravens were nestled all snug in the past,

with visions of rings and Ray flags at half mast.

And Manning with Welker and Thomas and Ball,

settled right in to destroy one and all.

They spoke not a word, but went straight to their work,

and filled foes with all horror, like a VMA twerk.

And wagging his fingers with extra flair,

the Manning man laughed as Harbaugh pulled out hair.

He sprang to the sidelines, to his team gave a whistle,

and away they all flew like a synchronized missile.

But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he jogged out of sight,

"Happy Football to all, and to all a good-night."

'Tis all.