Swami Says . . .

When the sun shines, the world brightens. When the earth quakes, the world trembles. When life ebbs, the world weeps. When the Swami speaks, the world listens.

And brightens and trembles and weeps, for there is joy and merriment, and chaos and devastation, and gloriousness and gallantry in every word writ large on the pages of the Suicide blog, and none more so than in those days before the coming of the storm, such as we now enjoy.

Sit, then, my friends, and heed these words. The crystal ball has been consulted, and understood, and listen you now to the fruits of that summoning. Listen now to what the Swami says.

#1 - Pittsburgh will not win eight games.

#2 - Behind Carson Palmer's arm and Bruce Arian's mind, Arizona will finish a strong 2nd in the NFC West, but just miss out on the last wild card spot.

#3 - Dallas will win the NFC East and reach the 2nd round Divisional Championship Game.

#4 - Sexy Rexy does not last the season in New York.

#5 - Colin Kaepernick will follow the follow the mold of Cam Newton, and ride his mojo-filled first year into a subpar second. Newton himself will let his emotion get the best of him, and have to apologize for some stupid statement after their Week 5 loss to the Cards.

#6 - My Beloveds earn the Wild Card berth.

#7 - The Bengals earn a bye, but lose their first playoff game at home.

#8 - The Saints win 12 games.

#9 - Contrary to popular opinion, the Cleveland Browns will not have a good season.

#10 -  The Raiders will continue to suck.

#11 - Superbowl XLVIII will feature the Houston Texans and the Seattle Seahawks, won in bad weather by the Houston ground game.

#12 - Phillip Rivers gets his groove back, but the Chargers still won't win a bunch of games. They will trade up three spots to draft Marqise Lee at #5 overall in 2014.

#13 - The Ravens miss the playoffs by one game.

#14 - The Colts have a solid season, but also miss the playoffs by one game.

#15 - Chip Kelly and Michael Vick prove a match made in heaven.

#16 - The Atlanta Falcons lose 7 games.

#17 - The NFC North is dominated by mediocrity.

#18 - Chip Kelly and Andy Reid both find exceptional success in their first year with new teams. Philadelphia and Kansas City will meet for the NFC Championship Game within three seasons' time.

#19 - Cowboys, Seahawks, Packers, Lions, Saints, Falcons from the NFC.

#20 - Texans, Bengals, Broncos, Chiefs, Patriots, Dolphins from the AFC.

So it is written. So it shall be done.

That is all.

It's Coming . . . It's Coming . . . It's Coming . . .

'Tis best to prepare for its great and glorious coming. Row up your ducks, dot and cross all important letters, and spit shine those Wolverine Wellingtons, ladies and gentlemen.

Don't look now.

It's coming.

The Countdown Begins . . .

. . . and 2013 cannot arrive soon enough.

Dare not to dream, try to avert your eyes, but know in your hearts there is little that can be done to stem the great and glorious tide that is . . . Suicide Pool 2013.

More dialogue to follow, as is the Swami way.

So it is written. So it is done.

That is all.

And the Winners Are . . .

Suicide Pool 2012 is dead.

The winners circle is a full one this year: five participants share in the greatness and glory of its grace. With the Ravens light-dousing performance and the passing of Festivus Monarchus, we congratulate . . . Monkey1 . . . Shiner . . . Mumsy . . . G-Pa02 . . . and CB on their outstanding five-strong victory. We also congratulate Shapeshifter for victory in Second Life, besting the dreamy thoughts of Wishful Thinking.

So pop the champagne and enjoy, whilst the rest of the masses lick their wounds and begin their analysis of the NFL draft possibilities, prepping for salvation this coming fall.

Suicide 2012 is dead. Long live Suicide 2013.

That is all.

The Suicide Pool Presents . . . Expert Picks & Dialogue

On the eve of the biggest dance of the year, as the Rays Lewis and Rice prepare to waltz with the long-legged Colin and his prospecting band, as the Harbrothers sit down to dine together before the great divergence, we present for the first time a special treat for the masses still satisfying their need for dialogue and whimsy via the Suicide Blog.

Fresh from the mountain, the dungeon, the wench house, and the crypt, and along with yours truly, the once and future Swami, we bring you expert picks and expert dialogue to savor and digest as you will.

From his dank crypt the Master of the Macabre picks:  49ers 28-17.
"Joe Flacco < Alex Smith < Colin Kaepernick. Also, I think the Ravens will give 100%, but the Niners are gonna give it 110%, even 120%."


From his office, offering unbilled advice, Man of Wench says:  Ravens 28-24.
"Kaep comes back to earth. Swami remains clueless."


From the depths of the darkside and the desk of the Hooded Fiend:  Ravens 27-24.     "The Ravens will be victorious, as America cheers on 'feel good' story of the post-season Ray Lewis in his quest to match Super Bowl rings with murders. Slight coaching advantage goes to the Harbaugh brother who doesn't wear a pen around his neck."

From atop the Zugspitze Ze German rants:  49ers 21-17.

"Mostly because I want blowhard sports commentators like Colin Cowherd, who say the Pistol is a gimmick, to shut up. Also, as human beings, the Ravens are just awful. Haloti Ngata broke RG3's knee, Joe Flacco forces his friends and wife to take douchie wedding photos (click here) and Ray Lewis is a murdering deer antler-licker. Plus, any post-game where I have to endure Ray Lewis's endless crying and Terrell Suggs's insufferable gloating will make me want to vomit. Auf Weidersehen, Ze German"

From my happy place the Swami says:  Ravens 31-26.

"In a game full of idiot players---arm kissers, rainbow haters, spray eaters, Junior Ginn, etc---I'll take Anquan Boldin, Michael Oher, and the honorable Harbrother. How d'ya like them nuggets?"

We wish those remaining at the end of all things, at the end of this phenomenal season of football, the best of luck. I will leave you with one last thought, for those contemplating thoughts of winning or losing: Carla was the prom queen.

That is all.

The Taunt at the End of All Things

We come to it at last. The end of all things, the end of the season, the end of 2012 Suicide. We have no homoerotic hobbits lying on rocks amidst cascading molten lava, so instead we must make do with memories of the dulcet tones of Mr. Vin Scully, whose words are so apt for the moment.

"In a season that has been so improbable, the impossible has happened."

So much action in the Conference Championship weekend, and much carnage along with it. The Falcons dropped three and the Patriots dropped one, and four participants -- including two dogs and the last two remaining undefeateds -- find themselves stranded on an island of no picks, and must settle for 7th place.

And yet . . . and yet . . . there will be a winner --- or winners, as the case may be.

Upon analysis of the Suicide Pool spreadsheet, the following two possible scenarios have been determined in the Suicide Pool for the big prize:

Ravens Win -- A five participant split-pot would ensue, with Mumsy, G-Pa, Shiner, CB, and Monkey sharing the top prize.

49ers Win -- Festivus Monarchus would claim his crown, and the mantle of sole title-holder.


Upon analysis of the Second Life spreadsheet, the following two possible scenarios have been determined for the booze-bracket title (where four fell by virtue of Pats or lack of picks):

Ravens Win -- Shapeshifter is the one and only winner.

49ers Win -- Wishful Thinking is the one and only winner.

It seems eight lives will hang in the balance come Super Bowl Sunday, when the brothers Harbaugh face off. Either way, when the dust settles and the champions are crowned, it will be seven long months to our next Suicide adventure.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt - Divisional Round

In a weekend that saw three teams selected, the Patriots, Falcons, and Broncos, I have to admit the Broncos were not the team I expected to fall. Nor did the masses, as it seems most were saving the Manning's Mile High Club for later playoff use.

Which is why we only lost two, leaving fourteen.

Two participants, only two, selected Denver, and so we bid adieu to Her-Turn, always a stalwart, and the ever tough Back Nine Ben, a former champion.

The pool is thinning, but not fast enough -- house money these days says the pool will see it through to and past the Superbowl. With two undefeateds and twelve one-lossers, many of whom have two or more teams still available, it is likely we will have multiple winners at the end.

How then to divide up the spoils?

There is a twist this week for the Conference Championship games: each remaining participant must pick the winner of both games, and then the winner of the Super Bowl. The additional picks (besides your weekly pick) will act as tie-breakers, in the event we make it past the Big Game with multiple living participants.

Only two weeks left before the months-long drought to next season, satiated only by the brief Madness that comes upon us each year at the outset of spring, and two things we know with certainty: the cream will rise and the weak will falter. 

That is all.

Thursday Taunt - Wild Card Weekend

It was my understanding that the very nature of a 'Wild Card' is that something unpredictable happens. Sadly, in the Suicide pool over Wild Card weekend, such was not the case.

No one lost. Repeat: no one lost.

The Packers, Ravens, and Texans all came home winners, so while the noose tightens as the options for the remaining participants grow more and more limited, everyone survives for at least another week.

This most remarkable and unpredictable of all Suicide Pool seasons remains, for the time being, utterly and boringly predictable.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt XVII

Ladies and gentlemen, we have come through the fire. The NFL regular season of 2012 has ended, and the masses breathe a collective sigh of relief after seventeen grueling weeks of participation and competition.

An undefeated drops one in Week 17: the Mad Dog bit off more than he could chew. Two legends fall for the second time, and we bid adieu to Chuck Dis and Vlade . . .

. . . which leaves sixteen brave souls, two of whom are undefeated, vying for the coveted top spot.

The rules for the playoffs are the same as the rules for the regular season: each participant must pick one team per week. Teams available for selection include any team not yet selected at any time AS WELL AS any team selected between regular season weeks 1-9. Any team selected between weeks 10-17 cannot be used in the playoffs.

Out of the frying pan and back into the fire.

That is all.

The Root of the Week XVII

What to do, what to do? The befuddled masses make their final stand of the regular season, and methinks there will be some death dealt this week.

With a roster of teams that includes the Saints, Titans, Steelers, Chargers, and Giants, plus a handful of bolder playoff-burning Seahawks and Patriots selections, how can there not be? That sound you hear in the back of your mind is the Reaper polishing the scythe.

How many will toe the playoff line? The answers await on the Sunday flipside.

That is all.