The Suicide Pool Presents . . . Expert Picks & Dialogue

On the eve of the biggest dance of the year, as the Rays Lewis and Rice prepare to waltz with the long-legged Colin and his prospecting band, as the Harbrothers sit down to dine together before the great divergence, we present for the first time a special treat for the masses still satisfying their need for dialogue and whimsy via the Suicide Blog.

Fresh from the mountain, the dungeon, the wench house, and the crypt, and along with yours truly, the once and future Swami, we bring you expert picks and expert dialogue to savor and digest as you will.

From his dank crypt the Master of the Macabre picks:  49ers 28-17.
"Joe Flacco < Alex Smith < Colin Kaepernick. Also, I think the Ravens will give 100%, but the Niners are gonna give it 110%, even 120%."


From his office, offering unbilled advice, Man of Wench says:  Ravens 28-24.
"Kaep comes back to earth. Swami remains clueless."


From the depths of the darkside and the desk of the Hooded Fiend:  Ravens 27-24.     "The Ravens will be victorious, as America cheers on 'feel good' story of the post-season Ray Lewis in his quest to match Super Bowl rings with murders. Slight coaching advantage goes to the Harbaugh brother who doesn't wear a pen around his neck."

From atop the Zugspitze Ze German rants:  49ers 21-17.

"Mostly because I want blowhard sports commentators like Colin Cowherd, who say the Pistol is a gimmick, to shut up. Also, as human beings, the Ravens are just awful. Haloti Ngata broke RG3's knee, Joe Flacco forces his friends and wife to take douchie wedding photos (click here) and Ray Lewis is a murdering deer antler-licker. Plus, any post-game where I have to endure Ray Lewis's endless crying and Terrell Suggs's insufferable gloating will make me want to vomit. Auf Weidersehen, Ze German"

From my happy place the Swami says:  Ravens 31-26.

"In a game full of idiot players---arm kissers, rainbow haters, spray eaters, Junior Ginn, etc---I'll take Anquan Boldin, Michael Oher, and the honorable Harbrother. How d'ya like them nuggets?"

We wish those remaining at the end of all things, at the end of this phenomenal season of football, the best of luck. I will leave you with one last thought, for those contemplating thoughts of winning or losing: Carla was the prom queen.

That is all.

NFL Obituary - Week Sechs

I close my eyes
Only for a moment,
then the momen't gone
All my dreams
Pass before my eyes,
a curiosity
Dust in the wind
All they are is dust in the wind
- Kansas


Ladies and Gentlemen, we have come to the crossroads of the season where it now becomes possible, and dare I say prudent, to make a judgement call on certain obvious storylines that still have yet to play themselves out, but for all intensive purposes are finished. Here, I will finally put to bed some of the lingering blemishes that seem to continue to raise their ugly head once and for all.

1) RIP Bills, Panthers, Lions, and Browns.

- I present to you the top 4 picks in the 2011 Draft, and the four teams that you should always pick against when given the oppotunity for the rest of the year. In a QB driven league you have two teams that are starting QBs that wouldn't even make it onto the other 30 teams' practice squads, and two teams that are starting rookies that no team thought was worthy of a first round pick. They've given up on themselves, so you should to. Like lambs to slaughter.....

2) RIP Wade Phillips and Norval Turner.

- You both suck so hard that not even Dyson could increase your sucktitude. God, I hate both your faces so much.

3) RIP Legacy of first ballot HOF players....Brett "Crotch Shots" Favre and Junior "I 'accidentally' drove myself off a 100 foot cliff, after being arrested for beating my 25 year old girlfriend" Seau

- Depending on how big these stories get, which I admit remains to be seen, their obituaries could read a similar way to how OJ's and Vick's will, ie. He played football, paragraph on transgression, the end. So sad.

4) RIP Jerry Jones and all semi-coherent Cowboy's fans hope

- countless weeks in a row having to pre-emptively say that he wasn't going to fire the Son of Bum mid-season, and now this, "Asked if he was concerned that his veteran quarterback would make such a crucial mistake, Jones showed his support in his own unique way. 'We don't have a replacement for Tony,' he said".......Delicious.

5) RIP Severe Head Injuries.....I hope

- Not sure if I like what the league thinks is the solution to this problem, but I think we all can agree that the amount of head injuries this year IS a problem. Players are faster and stronger than they have ever been, and head to head shots for some reason aren't getting flagged. It needs to start happening....NOW.

And now....Ze German's motivational poster of the week.....

A fool and his money are soon parted....

Even the Son of Bum thinks you're all morons

My my my, it has come to my attention that either people are still brain damaged from only watching baseball for 3 solid months (probable) or just choose to not waste their time reading the blog (most likely). How 12 relatively evolved individuals could pick the Cowboys is beyond me, especially after watching their week 1 performance. This is a team where the only thing you can count on is that you can't count on them. They will find a way to blow it. They've done it for a decade and a half.

I've gone over this ad infinitum, so I'll sum it up by saying that the Swami, myself and the other 91 who are still in contention would like to thank you for your donations,......and you suck.

You're Welcome, America . . .

Hello Burger King, my name is Alex Barron . . . yes, I can hold.

If you noticed something different about today, it's that the natural order of things in the world has been restored once again. Every year, right around the beginning of spring, an ominous event happens; that event is the mass brainwashing of arguably rational and intelligent human beings all across this great country of ours. During this period, the Jerry Jones/ESPN PR machine gets throttled up into top gear and launched off into the ****-washing stratosphere known as the Dallas Cowboys Super Bowl bandwagon.

Somehow everyone suddenly gets hammered by propaganda into forgetting that they don't have an offensive line, they don't have a good secondary, that all three of their running backs add up to average, that 2/3 of their receiving core are head cases, their QB is a total choke artist, that they have only won one playoff game ONE!!! since 1996, and they still have a coaching staff that seems to be more focused on their audition for a Life Goes On remake, then for actual game management. I mean even the pre-game guys on NBC, Tony Dungy and Rodney Harrison who have won Super Bowls, picked the Cowboys to win it all and said it was a lock. The sad part is that sometimes this brain condition can last right up until the playoffs. Luckily, the valiant Washington Redskins were able to carve out the diseased part of each mouth-breather Cowboy "fan's" brain with a spoon (because it hurts more) in Week 1, putting an end to all this ridiculousness.......for now.

God Bless the Washington Redskins, and here's to the rest of the league to continue to carry out the Lord's work of saving these poor lost souls. 0-16 bitches!

Fat white T.O. approves this post . . .