The Suicide Pool Presents . . . Expert Picks & Dialogue

On the eve of the biggest dance of the year, as the Rays Lewis and Rice prepare to waltz with the long-legged Colin and his prospecting band, as the Harbrothers sit down to dine together before the great divergence, we present for the first time a special treat for the masses still satisfying their need for dialogue and whimsy via the Suicide Blog.

Fresh from the mountain, the dungeon, the wench house, and the crypt, and along with yours truly, the once and future Swami, we bring you expert picks and expert dialogue to savor and digest as you will.

From his dank crypt the Master of the Macabre picks:  49ers 28-17.
"Joe Flacco < Alex Smith < Colin Kaepernick. Also, I think the Ravens will give 100%, but the Niners are gonna give it 110%, even 120%."


From his office, offering unbilled advice, Man of Wench says:  Ravens 28-24.
"Kaep comes back to earth. Swami remains clueless."


From the depths of the darkside and the desk of the Hooded Fiend:  Ravens 27-24.     "The Ravens will be victorious, as America cheers on 'feel good' story of the post-season Ray Lewis in his quest to match Super Bowl rings with murders. Slight coaching advantage goes to the Harbaugh brother who doesn't wear a pen around his neck."

From atop the Zugspitze Ze German rants:  49ers 21-17.

"Mostly because I want blowhard sports commentators like Colin Cowherd, who say the Pistol is a gimmick, to shut up. Also, as human beings, the Ravens are just awful. Haloti Ngata broke RG3's knee, Joe Flacco forces his friends and wife to take douchie wedding photos (click here) and Ray Lewis is a murdering deer antler-licker. Plus, any post-game where I have to endure Ray Lewis's endless crying and Terrell Suggs's insufferable gloating will make me want to vomit. Auf Weidersehen, Ze German"

From my happy place the Swami says:  Ravens 31-26.

"In a game full of idiot players---arm kissers, rainbow haters, spray eaters, Junior Ginn, etc---I'll take Anquan Boldin, Michael Oher, and the honorable Harbrother. How d'ya like them nuggets?"

We wish those remaining at the end of all things, at the end of this phenomenal season of football, the best of luck. I will leave you with one last thought, for those contemplating thoughts of winning or losing: Carla was the prom queen.

That is all.

Fiend's Five Under Fire

A weekly look at five coaches feeling the heat

1. Jack Del Rio, Jacksonville Jaguars

Standing 1-2 after the first 3 weeks, the pressure is building in J-Ville for the NFL's king of leather jackets. After the upcoming loss to Indianapolis, Del Rio will be the driver of the bus that QB David Garrard is thrown under and will secure his job for another few weeks. Then, predictably, ESPN's "sources" can start the Urban Meyer to Jacksonville rumors.

2. Mike Singletary, San Francisco 49ers

The end of the line is near when you fire your hand picked offensive coordinator, Jimmy Raye. Anyone else think this offense would look pretty good right now if Singletary didn't immediately axe Mike Martz last year? Always a good idea to make sure your OC can get a play down to the QB within 45 seconds too...

3. Norv Turner, San Diego Chargers

Nuff said.

4. John Fox, Carolina Panthers

Gone are the days of the stout Carolina defenses that carried Fox deep into the playoffs in 2003 and 2005. An 0-4 start looks certain as a trip to NFC South rival New Orleans awaits in Week Four. Aside from job security, Fox has to worry about Jimmy "4 Heismans" Clausen getting Steve Smith killed over the middle. On the flipside, Steve Smith might just kill Jimmy Clausen for hanging him out to dry over the middle.

5. Tom Cable, Oakland Raiders

The Jawbreaker, as he is known, is probably still coaching in the NFL only because he is Al Davis' type of coach. A highly unsuccessful head coach at all levels (11-35 record at WAC powerhouse Idaho) with a history of violence, Cable is a perfect fit for the Commitment to Excrement. A change will come mid-season and Davis will likely hire longtime favorite Paul Hackett. Oh the horror.

Waiting on deck....

Eric Mangini, Cleveland Browns

Brad Childress, Minnesota Vikings

Wade Phillips, Dallas Cowboys

Dream Killers

As Swami predicted on Monday afternoon, the Chargers solidified their reputation as Suicide Pool dream killers once again. Nearly all participants, at one point or another, have put their trust in Norv Turner to lead the Bolts to victory over a heavy underdog at home or on the road. As a result, their hopes of taking home Suicide Pool gold become long shots and in some cases, are sent packing until 2011.

While it's unfair to say Norv got outcoached by KC's trio of Haley, Crennel and Pear Bryant, you have to believe it comes down to game preparation. Good coaches in the NFL don't lose games like this or any of the others Norv has blown the last three years. Marty Schottenheimer doesn't lose this game to a bad KC squad. Other than solid special teams play, there is no reason to believe the Chiefs will win more than a handful of games this year. Luckily, they play in the same division as the Raiders.

The Chargers will still win the NFL's weakest division by a few games and will continue to be a popular Suicide Pool pick throughout the year. Best of luck to those who like to live dangerously...