Thursday Taunt III

Hello, everybody, and a very pleasant good evening to you*. My Beloveds are about to take center stage on Thursday night football, which means it is actually a game that most of us can watch ... and four days after their win in South Florida, most of you are probably back to breathing normally again.

I, of course, never doubted it for a second. I am the Swami after all.

Not all have the same clairvoyance, however: forty souls dropped week three, ten for the second and final time. That represents just over 20% of the remaining field, a moderate number for a still-early season.

For those who picked the Beloveds last weekend, for those for whom this applies, the Hex is now officially off. If you elect to pick against the Beloveds next week or any week hereafter, the Hex be back upon you like Jobu on rum.

Weekend Statistics
202 participants
123 undefeated at 3-0
69 with one loss at 2-1
40 week three losers
15 deceased

Note: all four Swami clan members still remain alive (yours truly, The Factor, Mama Bear, and Darth Bennett). In Week Four, the clan will split and decisions will be made.

One hour to kickoff. Time to put on my orange wig, team poncho, and ceremonial gas mask. Gloriousness awaits.

That is all.

*Ah, Vin. Another Beloved. You will be missed.

The Root of the Week III

Ah, 'tis a glorious weekend, indeed.

Few are the spaces of calm one finds in this era in which we live, fewer and farther still between do such moments provide depth of quality thought or flashest of purest insight; it is for this reason specifically that such moments must be treasured.

I will treasure this moment, the calm before the Sunday storm, as we watch my Beloveds take center stage as the most popular selection in Week Three. What's more, the selection of the Beloveds does not break any rule, not one, and incurs no Hex ... quite the opposite in fact.

And so as Saturday comes to a close and the game in South Florida kicks off in just over ten hours, I will say thank you to those who put your faith in the Fish, thank you to those who honor the Beloveds this week, and that I, as well, and the whole of my clan will put ourselves on the line along with you.

Dolphins 31, Browns 16.

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt II (Wednesday Version)

We bid adieu to five special gentlemen, the first five, heretofore known as the Five Guys. Disclaimer: the excellent burger chain has not sponsored this post in any way, shape, or form, but if you know someone who owns a Five Guys franchise, I am happy to accept sponsorship.

We bid adieu to Lloyd Bridges (looks like he picked the wrong week to stop picking winners) and D-White 03 (just the bronze entry anyway) and Runs Like a Gurley (excellence in namesmanship does not always mean excellence in gamesmanship) and Amazingandre 05 (fifth-most amazing means uno dos, adios) and Bonanza (found a nice large stash of cubic zirconia).

Goodbye, gentlemen. Until next season.

As for the rest, we have found a good deal of success thus far: 148 souls still reside in the land of the unblemished. Only the aforementioned five have crossed over, leaving the remaining 49 living with one foot already in the frying pan. As always, when it comes to movie quotes and metaphors, watch me for the changes and try and keep up, ok?

On another topic, I have long considered adding a sixth rule to the Pool. Ultimately, there is no need, few follow the rules to begin with -- hence the usual devastation and chaos -- but still, I've got a piece to speak, and blow hot or cold I'm going to speak it. One of my own personal informal rules is, never ever never pick the Raiders to win.

And yet ... and yet ... few seem to share this rule.

Thirteen participants, including many a Swami-pool veteran, went with the Raiders this past weekend ... and lo and behold, the silver and black swept them away. Please tell me, at what point over the course of the last decade have the Raiders inspired even an ounce of confidence? I was shocked to see the Raider picks roll in, shocked to see there were double digit numbers, and then not surprised in the slightest to watch them derail. I'm still not adding this as an official rule, five seems a gloriously round number for rules, but feel free to remember this as as a sixth little unspoken rule.

To the statistics:

Weekend Stats - Week Two
202 participants
148 undefeated at 2-0
49 with one loss
30 week two losers
5 deceased via uno dos

Week Three awaits. Remember the rules. One last note: for those who have the Swami Hex upon them, I will extend this one time offer: put your support behind the Beloveds in Week Three, and the Hex shall be removed.

That is all.

The Root of the Week II

I have a story to tell; tell it, I shall.

One night, not too long ago, two men stood under heavy spotlight in the center of a room. They were singing, poorly, belting out a roaring duet that was not well-received by operatic aficionados, but quite well considered by the crowd assembled for the occasion.

Both men were thought in that moment to be on mutually transcendent paths, as if strapped together to a rocket ship that would blast them simultaneously off to limitless heights. The first called his home the deep south, the second the west coast.

This was punditry and prediction, however, not undisputed fact, and so it shall come as no surprise to those with shares fair of knowledge that the prevailing theory did not come to pass as planned. Indeed, 'twas no more than half right.

In the two years that followed, deep south would ride the rocket ship skyward, not reaching fully the heights but coming within hair's breadth. He would develop a powerful brand, as well, as much about his prowess on field as his impact off. He is without question one of his profession's most impactful -- and influential -- players.

To make a long story short -- too late -- the west coast did not. Three time zones away, west coast faltered, stumbled, then fell. There were flashes of possible return to form, hints of possible resurrection, but all for naught. The bench was his true and rightful home, and there he remained.

In fact, he became so enamored with and accustomed to sitting the bench that he did so once even when he was not supposed to ... and thus was thrust back into the spotlight of prominence that had eluded him for twenty plus months. West coast now has a new rocket ship; whether it blasts him to new heights or detonates just after lift-off remains to be seen, but his footprint hardens now in the annals of sports and national history.

Of course, it has nothing to do with football, the footprint or the rocket ship -- which is why my story ends here, and why the masses are moving quite definitively in one direction, Newton-esque I dare say, with force and motion and momentum as only Sir Isaac could love*. There are other selections: a few Cardinals, a few Ravens, a few Broncos, a few Seahawks, a few Lions, even a few Patriots as some poor souls brave the double Swami Hex.

The Swami has never liked moving with the masses. This is known. He prefers and has always preferred to move not to the measured beat, but his own glorious rhythm. And yet ... and yet ...

Carolina, for the win.

That is all.

*See what I did there? Newton double entendre. I just left my customary double entendre indecency home, as children might be reading.

Tuesday Taunt I

At this time I would like to introduce a very respected, very educated, very experienced participant in the Swami Pool ... myself. Allow myself to introduce myself, that I might once more shed some light on yonder poor, beleaguered heads. 

I know most of you survived this past weekend, and yet, was it really a victory? Christopher Guest just showed up to tell me he shaved one year of your life away, and for science, wants to know how it felt. Several prominent therapists and several successful cardiologists received calls on Monday morning, as the masses sought to calm the collective stress and anxiety produced by this most remarkable first Sunday of NFL play.

A quick detour into the land of definitions: 

near miss ... noun ... (1) a narrowly avoided collision or other accident; synonyms: close thing, near thing, narrow escape, close call, close shave, "two airliners were involved in a near miss yesterday" (2) a bomb or shot that just misses its target (3) when the Reaper's scythe sweeps overhead, but only clips a hair or two or three en route to a quiet first week.

It was a near miss of epic proportions this past weekend ... and the call was close specifically because you people did not follow the rules. The rules are there for your protection, to keep you safe, and yet like rebellious children you do not follow them. One last time, for the uninitiated:

Rule #1 - Don't pick a team on the road.

Rule #2 - Don't pick a team playing in its own division.

Rule #3 - Do not pick for or against the Chargers prior to Week Six.

Rule #4 - Do not use all multiple picks on the same team.

Rule #5 - Do not, not ever, pick against the Swami's Beloved Dolphins.

Adhere to the above rules without fail. Still, you did not. There were more than 110 Chiefs and Seahawks takers, all of whom needed an extra shot of booze during the day and an extra prozac that night, just to calm the craziness of those two games that were won by bare, barest of margins ... in games with picks that went expressly against the rules. There will be consequences. The Swami Hex is officially on 73 entries.

Quick Weekend Stats

199 participants

29 week one losers via the panthers, falcons, cowboys, colts, cardinals, rams

73 seahawks survivors with the swami hex now upon them

41 bold talkers of a road team in a division game, the chiefs

We currently sit at 199 entries (a new record) with a possible few more trickling in that I missed on the first pass at the spreadsheet. We will top 200 for the first time ever.

Onward we merrily roll as the Swami Suicide Pool of 2016 continues.

That is all.

The Root of the Week I

The very notion of 'beginning' is a powerful one, if one so chooses to see it so. There is no purer moment, no more uninhibited realm. We begin, and hope springs eternal. We begin, and all else is wiped clean. We begin, and there is magic inherent. 'Twas a wise man who said, "It is time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings." Wise, indeed, for rare has a greater truth been said, and so we thank the good Meister for his excellent turn of phrase and take his words most readily to heart: there is magic in the air, the kind of magic only the fall can bring.

Ladies and gentlemen, honored guests, colleagues, heroes, villains, compatriots, competitors, lovers, and friends, I bid you welcome once more to another great and glorious year of the Suicide Pool. Allow myself to introduce myself, your host, the mischievous, oft-villainous, perhaps murderous, always iniquitous Swami of House Me, first of my name.

For those who are new to the Pool, you have much to learn, and I as your illustrious host am here to guide you and teach you, and help you along your merry way. We shall stay one step ahead of the Reaper himself, preferably two steps, for the Reaper waits on the fringes of our pool -- waiting for those who stumble and fall, waiting with sharpened scythe to finish them off. It could be short, it could be expansive, it will always be informative.

But how best to avoid the Reaper? How best to ensure you are the one left standing when the dust settles? Many men, women, and children have taken their own quite curious roads to reach the promised land; who will join them? Who will guide them?

Yes, my friends, I will come now to tell of the Two Staples and Five Rules of the Swami Suicide Pool. Rules are made to be broken, 'tis true, and more rules than one cares to admit will be broken this weekend by many experienced veterans of the Pool, and still. Still you must know them, must lay your head on the pillow and remember them, must post them widely and reverently across all manner of media.

The Two Staples of the Suicide Pool are the Root of the Week and the Tuesday Taunt. In the former, the Swami lays down his own weekly pick in advance of Sunday play, as well as the trending popular selections (and while the NFL has dropped Roman Numerals, not so shall the Swami's Root). In the latter, he taunts all those who perished the weekend prior with a Tuesday (oft Wednesday or Thursday) blog post and group email. The Swami, you will come to know, loves chaos, and relishes it.

The Five Rules for making selections in the Suicide Pool are as follows: (1) Never pick a road team; (2) Never pick a team playing a team within its own division; (3) Never pick the Chargers prior to Week Six; (4) Never pick the same team with all five of your entries; and, most importantly, (5) Never pick against the Swami's orange and aqua Beloveds, lest you risk the Swami Hex. Know, and remember.

It seems already there are those who have forgotten the rules -- the Beloveds, they of the 10.5 road-team-underdog status -- are a popular pick on this first week. It should be noted that even if you select the Seahawks and they win this week, it does not save you from the Swami Hex: it is written in sand and in stone and in fire that no participant who picks the Dolphins to lose shall ever win the Suicide Pool.

The masses have not moved in as many directions as usual for Week One; last season saw half the league selected. This week, however, it seems the Seahawks (boo) and Chiefs, with a smattering of others thrown in for good measure.

I myself have ruminated and marinated on multiple options in recent days, trying to find the best and most likely option; it has taken all my thought and some considerable skill to find the proper choice this first week. There will be no breaking of the Rules this week.

Give me JJ Watt and the Bad Boys of Texas, Houston that is, for the win.

And so, once more without further ado, with the first Root set and the Pool locked and loaded, I declare this season of the Swami Suicide Pool officially open.

That is all.

Welcome, Lords and Ladies, to the Swami Suicide Pool 2016 ...

Well, hello my lovelies, my beautiful people, has it been so long? The wait has indeed been long, nigh unbearable, and yet it seems we have come once again, come at last, come together to the start of the journey, the stoop of the door, the first rung of the ladder---the return of the NFL Suicide Pool, and yours truly.

It is hoped that time has healed all your wounds, after the chaos and devastation of last season. The entries are flying in, and remarkably we even has our first loss of the season: at least one woebegone participant got Gano-ed on Thursday night.

Let us remove ourselves, however, from the lanai of inconsequential conversation, and repair instead to the sitting room of substantial thought; my fountain of words will not run dry in weeks to come, but there is much to attend to on this fine evening.

And so, as they say, to business.

Let this post serve as your official reference point for all things related to the Swami Suicide Pool. NFL Suicide Pools have a simple premise: you pick the winner of one single NFL game each week (straight up, no point spreads) and if the team you choose wins their game, you advance to the next week. 

If your team loses, you take a loss, and in the Swami's Pool two losses eliminates you from competition. You may not pick the same team twice during the regular season (see below for special playoff rules). There are additional details, of course, but the above is the general gist of things.

That's it, although you are still highly encouraged to read the following in-depth breakdown in its entirety, even those who are experienced Swami Suicide Pool veterans.

(1) Entries - Each participant may enter a minimum of one (1) and a maximum of five (5) entries.

(2) Picks - You pick the winner of a single NFL game each week. No point spreads are involved, which means you pick the straight-up winner. Please note that ties count as losses. Kindly email your weekly picks to SwamiSuicidePool@gmail.com.

(3) Deadline -You must get your pick in by the start of your chosen team’s game (kick-off). If you neglect to send a pick in a given week, the default pick is the home team for the Monday night game. If you have already used that team, the Monday night visiting team is your selection. If you have already used both teams, you lose.

(4) Format - This is a double-elimination tournament; you are allowed one loss. Uno, dos, adios!

(5) Disputes - If rule clarifications or amendments are required mid-season (unlikely) or in the event of disputes (also unlikely), all decisions made by the Swami are final.

(6) Updates - An update email will be sent each week with the number of surviving players, the coming week's schedule of games, and pick selections from the previous weeks. The update will usually come on Tuesday, although the Swami reserves the right to stretch it later into the week, if needed. You can also check this blog for the update. Additionally, the Swami will post his own weekly pick on Saturdays prior to Sunday play, lest he picks the Thursday game, in which case twill be posted on the Day of Wednes.

(7) Playoffs - The playoff structure for 2016 is identical to the format used the past six seasons. Starting in Week Ten (10) of the regular season, any team chosen by a participant is NOT eligible to be selected in the playoffs, where the standard Suicide Rules will apply (i.e. you select one team to win per weekend playoff round). Teams chosen in Weeks One thru Nine (1-9) will be available to be re-selected in the playoffs.

Kindly address questions to the Swami at SwamiSuicidePool@gmail.com.

And so I will leave you all for the time being as I retire to the sanctity of my inner sanctum; my robes and my crystal ball await, my all-seeing eye is twitching, and the Reaper waits beyond yonder door, at the ready should I stumble. I will return in short order with the first Root of the Week as the world waits eagerly on the eve of gridiron battle.

Let the Swami ride again.

That is all.

The Pool is Coming . . .