The Root of the Week IV (Sunday Edition)

Dare you watch this weekend, knowing what carnage has come before?

The action flows four ways, on Broncos and Falcons, on Texans and Cardinals. The latter is most susceptible to failure, going against my Beloveds.

The Thursday horse has already come home, with many flying high with the Ravens, looking forward to Week Five.

For those left scrapping, here's hoping the stress does not sabotage your Sunday. For those soon-to-be or recently deceased, the Second Life Pool beckons, and beckons soon.

That is all.

Memories of a Time Not-So-Long Past

Well, I’ve done worse than getting bounced from the Pool in week three.  A few years ago I'd barely scrubbed the Labor Day hamburger grease off the grill when I caught the shimmer of the Reaper’s scythe reflecting off the Weber Genesis. "You gotta be kidd –“ is all I could utter before the swift end came.  Zing!  Oh-for-two.

At least this year I had a fleeting moment of glory way back in mid-September – pre-Jay Cutler’s teammates hating him – when the Bears steamrolled the Colts.  I was young and rebellious then; a cocky kid full of reckless abandon.  Ah… my halcyon days.  The memories are mostly faded now but I recall it as a simpler, more innocent time.  When high school refs could fulfill their dream of officiating NFL games.

But there will come a day when I can live again.  A day when I can accept an inept Cardinals offense outscoring Tom Brady and the Pats.  A day when I can wrap my head around the Saints blowing an 18-point lead against the Chiefs.  Yes.  I'll live again.  Maybe round about, oh, week five perhaps.

Congrats to those few who’ve made it through this three-week gauntlet still intact.  Well done.

-- Shapeshifter

The Root of Week IV (Thursday Edition)

And so open here I fling the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter, in there steps a raven of the saintly days of yore.

And this raven, never flitting, still with patient perch is sitting, on the gleaming statue of the Swami by the door.

And his eyes have all the seeming of that Swami who is dreaming, of the spawn and wife who family mantle burdens bore,

And this raven still beguiling all my fancy into smiling, on this night shall ease their plight, and bear them past Week Four*.

That is all.

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*The Spawn and Factor, and whole lot of other people.

Tuesday Taunt III

'Tis far, far too early for the Reaper to make his annual appearance on the pages of the Suicide blog, but it is safe to say that there will be no worse weekend for the participants of 2012 than that most recently ended, and so.

The scythe was swift and brutal, and lopped off a full on-third of the remaining field. 51 were ended for the second and final time, including for the earliest showing of his distinguished career, the Swami himself.

It should be mentioned that of the Swami, the Factor, and the Swami Spawn, only the Spawn remain undefeated. Which makes less than no sense, given the first-grade mentality of the selectors. Literally.

Weekly Statistics

135 participants
90 week three losers
18 undefeated
60 with one loss
57 deceased

Week Three came close to the record-setting Week Five of 2011, when 92 perished, but the argument can be made that this weekend was worse; most of the 2011 losses were first-timers. The second death for 51 makes the Reaper a very happy hell-spawn, and so.

I have no expectation for Week Four. In truth, perhaps those perished can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing they must not wade into the waters of this ridiculous season once more. Perhaps the old saying fits, and the living truly do envy the dead*.

That is all.

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*Of course, those dead do get a second shot at life with the Swami's Second Life Pool. See post below for more details and watch for the forthcoming email.

Monday Mayhem & the Phoenix Rising

Let us be clear on one thing before the rest: this season, the 2012 NFL season, is stupid. Ridiculous stupid. WTF stupid. "Who-the-hell-knows-what-is-happening-here" stupid.

A synonym for stupid is dumb, and we all know there's two kinds of dumb: the guy that gets naked, runs out into the snow, and barks at the moon, and the guy who does the same thing in my living room. The first one doesn't matter; the second you're forced to deal with.

There was devastation en masse again in Week Three. There were perhaps five relatively safe picks to be made, and two considered locks. Both locks lost. Three of the five lost. And there was glorious chaos as a result.

I don't have the final figures, but it is entirely possible that this week tops the previous record of 92 deaths in Week Five of last season, when the Seahawks went cross-country and torched the Giants. By virtue of the 49ers, Saints, and Steelers, the 2012 Suicide Pool is in shambles.

Which pleases me, as you know how much I enjoy devastation. It provides fodder for excellent commentary, and my word-smithery knows no bounds. 

And yet . . . and yet . . . three weeks is too soon. Too soon for so many to perish.

And so like the Phoenix of old rising from the ashes, reborn, remade, made whole, so too will there be grace granted to the Suicide Pool participants of 2012. You will not be remade, no, but you will be offered a second lease on life. A second life, if you will.

Announcing the first ever Swami Suicide Second Life Pool, offered only and exclusively to those participants in the main event this year. It is offered to all participants, even those still alive in the main event. It will be a separate pool, however; there will be no cross-over.

Details are forthcoming, but I can drop the following tidbits: (1) we will begin in Week 5; (2) playoff rules will be the same as the main event; (3) you can enter up to 3 times, with $20 for 1, $40 for 2, and $50 for 3; (4) you will get two losses, BUT if your first loss comes with a deficit of MORE THAN 14 points, you are knocked out of the pool entirely, so choose well.

It seems the Swami has a heart after all. My benevolence, as well, knows no bounds.

That is all.

The Root of the Week III

Back in the saddle for the 70 strong who succumbed in Week Two, save for the 6 poor souls who perished entirely.

The heavy action flows two ways this week. Yes, we have a few moving to their own beat, perhaps on the Bears or the Boys or Steel City, but the majority has spoken, and the masses are moving forward with god and with gold.

The 49ers are road-bound, and while playing an inferior team from lake country, the NFL road is fraught with peril. Therefore, there will be no flowers in my hair this week.

Which leaves the holy option, and like Joliet Jake, I have seen the light.

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt II

In a great show of compassion, I have delayed posting the results of this past weekend's action until this moment, to let some of the pain subside.

And, oh, what pain there was.

Like Camden of old, the revolutionaries took defeat resoundingly---64 souls perished on the Patriots in Week Two. Toss in a handful of Raiders, Vikings, Cowboys, and Redskins, and you have 70 participants set to see their shining lights with one more loss.

Six, sadly, are already bathing within it. We say goodbye to the Uno Dos, Adios crew of 2012: Mad Dog 02, J-Ro 01, J-Ro 04, Bubbas 02, Daddy's Long Legs, and Bennett, Not My Son. We bid you adieu.

The Swami himself was a casualty this week, though the Factor and the Spawn move on unscathed. So, too, were at least four recent winners of the Suicide Pool, all perishing at the shoelaces of Stephen Gostkowski. 

Weekend Results
135 participants
57 undefeateds
72 with one loss
6 deceased

Things just got real.

That is all.

The Root of the Week II

I only have one question for the masses of participants on the majority pick this week: is that the red or the white?

Oh, yes, there are a handful of other selections. The Texans again campaign with a few votes in the bag, the Giants and Steelers have a scant handful of admirers, and even the Bengals drew a little love against the lowly Browns--despite that being a divisional game.

Lest we not forget the Swami's Rules for Greatness. There are only three: (1) Never pick the Chargers before Week Six (2) Never pick a team on the road (3) Never pick a team playing within its own division. So good luck to you, Bengals-riders; that Tiger, she is a fickle mistress.

As for my own soothsayings this particular week, the second as it happens to be, I shall leave you with this: the Frost way tends to be one of the surest paths to Suicide loss. Not one to travel once traveled by ways, the path I choose tends to be of my own devising, and yet . . . and yet . . . the spread is 13.

I'll take that any day of the week, and twice on Sunday.

That is all.

The Return of the Tuesday Taunt

There are 32 professional football teams in the NFL. Half of 32 is 16. And 16 is the number of teams chosen by participants this past weekend, the opening frame, of the Suicide Pool.

Half the field of available options.

Does this speak to parity in the NFL? Distrust of rookie quarterbacks? Distrust of replacement officials? Is our collective mentally deficient? Are teams of monkeys throwing [censored] at a board, just to see what sticks?

In order of popularity: Texans, Bears, Lions, Eagles, Saints, Ravens, Patriots, Falcons, Jets, Vikings, 49ers, Cardinals, Steelers, Giants, Panthers, Seahawks. I'm not gonna lie, you people is nuts.

The lion roared well enough for the Swami this weekend, and the Spawn, and the Factor survived her ridiculous Vikings pick*, moving the whole cadre unscathed into Week Two. Joining us are 117 others, as we managed to avoid devastation ala Week One of 2011. In a shocking coincidence, not one person took Cleveland this year.

Weekly Statistics
134 participants
120 undefeateds
16 teams chosen
14 week one losers

We're off and running with Suicide 2012, with a total of 134 participants on the rolls. Who will be standing when the dust settles? Swami curses can't help, nor can mindless weekly selection, both of which I expect will accrue over the course.

That is all.

*It looked good on you, though, Mr. Dis.

The Root of the Week I

Ladies and gentlemen, honored guests, compatriots, colleagues, competitors, and friends, I bid you welcome to another great and glorious year of the Suicide Pool.

It is customary at this time for the host, yours truly, to wax poetic on the wonders of football and the delights of gambling degeneration, the perils and pleasures of weekly team selection. It is customary, but not required, and despite this being the first week, this week I will not.

There are some of you who are new to the Pool, and thus have not had the benefit of my dialogue-ing ways, nor have you come to understand those things in this life I hold most dear. It is quite simple really.

Family. Friends. Fish.

There are many of you, however, who know this deep and soulful truth. There are many of you, any of you who have found the Suicide Pool in past years, who know of my Beloveds, the Miami Dolphins.

And yet you pick against them.

You pick against them, and risk the Swami wrath, and so I shall lay down one of my infamous, diabolical, delicious soothsayer curses: let it be known emphatically at this time that no veteran participant of the Pool who has chosen to ride the Texans in Week One will find themselves standing at the end, when the dust settles, when the champion is crowned. So sayeth the Swami. You have brought this upon yourselves.

Let us now move on to more pleasant topics. For those who are new, there are two staples of the Suicide Pool blog: the Root of the Week and the Tuesday Taunt. In the former, the Swami lays down his weekly pick in advance of Sunday play, as well as the trending popular selections. In the latter, he taunts all those who perished the weekend prior. The Swami* loves chaos, and relishes it.

In classic Week One style, we've got multiple teams on the docket: Texans (boo), Lions, Eagles, Bears, Vikings, Panthers, Saints, Ravens, Seahawks, Jets, Patriots, and Falcons, among others. In other words, the situation is ripe; not all will move unscathed to Week Two. Where does the allegiance of the Swami lie, you ask? Methinks the Big Kitties chow down on the Lunchables of St Louis.

And so, without further ado, I declare this season of Suicide officially open . . . and they're off.

That is all.

*The Swami promises to only sporadically refer to himself in the third person. It shall only be doled out in small doses.

We Wait All Year for Sunday Night

My friends, my beautiful friends, friends of years, friends of tears, it has come upon us once again. The time has come, and the moment we have waited long, very sad months for has finally arrived---the return of the NFL Suicide Pool, and yours truly.

The excitement is potent, palatable, and pure as most participants look to salve the wounds of 2011 with triumph and glory in 2012, and as such once again we expect a record-breaking field when the dust settles post-Week One.

Let us dispense with the pleasantries, therefore, and get down to brass tax; when Faith dons the leather, you know she means business. For those with questions, and there are always quite a few, this post shall serve as a reference point for the Rules and Regulations of the 2012 Swami Suicide Pool.

NFL Suicide Pools have a simple premise: you pick the winner of one single NFL game each week (straight up, no point spreads) and if the team you choose wins their game, you advance to the next week. 

If your team loses, you take a loss, and in the Swami's Suicide Pool two losses eliminates you from competition. You may not pick the same team twice during the regular season (see below for special playoff rules). There are additional details, of course, which are outlined below, but the above is the general gist of things.

That's it, although you are still highly encouraged to read the following in-depth breakdown in its entirety, even those who are experienced Swami Suicide Pool veterans.

(1) Entries - Each participant may enter a minimum of one (1) and a maximum of five (5) entries.

(2) Picks - You pick the winner of a single NFL game each week. No point spreads are involved, which means you pick the straight-up winner. Please note that ties count as losses. Kindly email your weekly picks to SwamiSuicidePool@gmail.com.

(3) Deadline -You must get your pick in by the start of your chosen team’s game (kick-off). If you neglect to send a pick in a given week, the default pick is the home team for the Monday night game. If you have already used that team, the Monday night visiting team is your selection. If you have already used both teams, you lose.

(4) Format - This is a double-elimination tournament; you are allowed one loss. Uno, dos, adios!

(5) Disputes - If rule clarifications or amendments are required mid-season (unlikely) or in the event of disputes (also unlikely), all decisions made by the Swami are final.

(6) Updates - An update email will be sent each week with the number of surviving players, the coming week's schedule of games, and pick selections from the previous weeks. The update will usually come on Tuesday, although the Swami reserves the right to stretch it later into the week, if needed. You can also check this blog for the update.

(7) Playoffs - The playoff structure for 2012 is identical to the 2011 and 2010 formats. Starting in Week Ten (10) of the regular season, any team chosen by a participant is NOT eligible to be selected in the playoffs, where the standard Suicide Rules will apply (i.e. you select one team to win per weekend playoff round). Teams chosen in Weeks One thru Nine (1-9) will be available to be re-selected in the playoffs.

Kindly address questions to the Swami at SwamiSuicidePool@gmail.com.

And so I will leave you all for the time being, as we prepare for the first game of the season this very Wednesday night, when the New York Giants host the Dallas Cowboys and the 2012 campaign kicks off. You still have time to enter, of course; not a sole has picked the game, and it's unlikely anyone will. You have a few days left, to strategize, to theorize, to agonize, before the bell rings and the horses leave the gate.

Let the Swami ride again.

That is all.