The Root of the Week XII

"Yes, it has come to this."

"Cleveland?!"

"Or rather, picking against the poor Carolina kitty kats."

"Browns. What the F am I doing?"

Not exactly what I would call ringing endorsements, but the simple fact of the matter is this: the vast majority of Suicide Pool participants are staking their lives on the arm of Jake Delhomme and a football franchise whose last meaningful win came when LBJ was in office. If you had told me Cleveland would be a hot pick at any point this season, I'd have had you committed.

Still, here we are, and while a handful of participants opted out in favor of Jets, Texans, Broncos, or Giants, the group as a collective will be taking the Browns to the Super Bowl this week.

As it were, of course.

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt XI

143 participants

18 players at 10-0

23 players with one loss

102 players dead

3 week eleven losers

Not much action this past weekend given the Texans snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, but as mentioned in the update email, in considering the results I recall the magical words of the immortal Vin Scully, he of the silver tongue and glorious anecdotes, in describing the Kirk Gibson '88 World Series home-run in the moments following the man crossing home plate, post-arm-pump:

"In a year that has been so improbable, the impossible has happened."

In Suicide Pool parlance, the impossible I reference is the winning in the same week of the Cowboys and Chargers, each of whom scored 35 points to beat an inferior opponent; more astounding even than that fact, however, is that the wins came with multiple participants riding the two teams, as well.

In related news, the devil just asked for a parka.

That is all.

The Root of the Week XI

indecision /in-deh-SIH-shun/ noun (1) reluctance or an inability to make up one's mind (2) doubt concerning two or more possible courses of action (3) the trait of irresolution, a lack of firmness of character or purpose (4) the state of being unsure of something.

Yes, my friends, these all apply to you; the first seven emails I received following the update email contained seven different selected teams.

Ravens. Bengals. Saints. Jets. Chargers. Steelers. Cowboys. Titans. Chiefs. Falcons. That's ten teams with more picks still to come, which means this week is positively schizophrenic.

And ballsy, too, it seems, what with the two biggest teams of the week, if there can be big teams with the action spread so thin, are the two indisputably most dangerous teams of 2010: the Bolts, lethally electric in all the wrong ways, and the Cowboys, laughably mired in what could be considered the worst season in the history of football.

I suppose, therefore, there is only one question left to ask: is your indecision final?

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt X

143 participants
18 undefeated
26 with one loss
99 dead

Yes, this is the Wednesday edition of the Tuesday Taunt. If you refer back to the rules and regulations, you'll note I reserve the right to occasionally stretch, when life and/or technology intervene.

As mentioned in the update email, more losses this week than expected (17) after the Bucs took down the woeful Panthers, who get my vote for worst team in the league. Moderate chaos -- at least, moderate by the standards of this season. Last year, I'd have been dancing a jig to get 17 participants dusted in just one weekend.

If you're wondering just what the picture of giant woman's waterfall horse hair has to do with football, the answer, of course, is absolutely nothing. 'Tis rare, but sometimes the well runs dry. As such, I google-imaged "great photo" and the top hit is presented for your view. I highly recommend the google image search function, as long as the Safe Search is strictly on. I like men as much as the next guy, but this is a family blog.

That is all.

The Root of the Week X

I would like to thank you all for your condolences and various well-wishes, considering the publicized accounts of my demise.

However, I must tell you that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there's usually only one thing you can do. The degenerates among you will know what this is.

While I may not be riding off with you on four brilliant white stallions, while there is no chocolate-covered miracle pill to bring my participation back from the Pit of Despair, I do remain, mostly dead, slightly alive, to bring you the weekly postings of my eloquent self. Not even the throes of death shall keep me away, my loyal participants.

A little bit of business to attend to, given that we enter Week 10. It should be noted by all participants that we have crossed a significant boundary; any team selected this week or later in the regular season, all the way through Week 17, shall NOT be eligible for use in the playoffs should our Suicide season take us there. By playoffs, of course, I mean the actual NFL playoffs. Teams selected in Weeks One thru Nine will be eligible for re-use once we get to the playoffs, but not during the regular season.

The Bucs are the heavy favorites this week, followed by the Giants, Colts, and a handful of Texans. Who could have anticipated before the season began that a vast majority of the participants would be pinning their hopes on the Bucs in Week 10? Inconceivable! In any event, I shall root for you all this week, and wish you well.

Have fun storming the castle.

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt IX

143 participants

22 players at 9-0

35 players with one loss

86 players dead

The Swami is dead.

Long live the Swami.

That is all.

The Root of the Week IX

"You know, it's an ugly business doing one's duty . . . but just occasionally it's a real pleasure."

This, of course, is not one of those occasional times, not when I must put my life in the hands of a major divisional foe of my beloved Fish. It's hard enough being in the best division in football; rooting for the enemy makes it harder.

But root I shall, for Tom Brady and his hair and Bill Belichick and his hoodie, and for Wes Welker who took his talents from his original South Beach home. I am not alone in this; there are several participants riding the New England bandwagon.

As for the rest of the bunch, the group has gone off in more different directions than a pikey rabbit with hounds in pursuit. The Jets, Packers, Vikings, Falcons, Giants, Steelers, Saints, and Bears all have play to some degree or another, with the dirty birds seeming to have the most followers. It probably means no major losses this week, but virtually assures, with as nuts as this season has been thus far, that at least a few will fall.

This week marks a milestone of sorts, as we pass the playoff barrier; starting next week, as you'll recall, the teams you select are done for good for the season, with no reuse-ability in the post-season. Most of you know, but some of you do not, and not from a lack of trying on my part. Let's all come together on this, shall we?

That is all.

SWAMI BLOG EXCLUSIVE --- ASHTON'S TWEET OF THE WEEK

Hey Everyone!!!!! :) It's me Ashton, love swami's blog, REALLY love favre's weird looking junk, go hawkeyes!!!!! =3 ash........(ricky stanzi, we're down if you're down)

Tuesday Taunt VIII

143 participants
24 undefeated
42 with one loss
77 dead

I quote Bob Dylan, "Chaos is a friend of mine."

Apparently, and unfortunately, chaos is not as much a friend as I would like, as multiple Chiefs-lovers, recovering nicely from their anxiety attacks and overtime-induced stress headaches, will attest.

Twenty-two will do, however, and so we find ourselves with only Kiefer Sutherland left undefeated, or roughly 17% of the field. That, my faithful friends and participants, is remarkable.

I also suggest, as the calendar turns to November and we enter Week Nine, that you all remember that this is the final week before the playoff barrier, and if you do not know what that means, you have not been paying attention, and the chaos is soon coming for you, too.

That is all.