The Root of the Week IV ... London Calling

When one glances at the schedule for Week Four of this most excellent 2014 NFL season, one realizes quite quickly that there are few, very few enticing options for risk-averse participants to choose from. It seems this means the masses are moving in divergent directions, which means the potential for chaos is high.

That, and participants be breaking rules all over the place. That sound you hear is the Reaper sharpening his scythe.

Let us consider your foolish ways in depths, oh masses, so that in future weeks or more likely future NFL seasons--should the weekend prove perilous--you might remember the wise words of Swami, you might heed the call, you might adhere to the rules.

There are four, merely four, slightly viable candidates this weekend. Three of this options, at first blush, break rules in dramatic fashion. The first game is my Beloveds at Oakland, but Rule #1 says never pick a team on the road. The second game is Tennessee at Indianapolis, but Rule #2 says never pick a team playing in its own division. And last, finally, last but certainly not least, so many of you, so very many, are taking the Chargers to win at home against the Jaguars, which demolishes Rule #3 which says NEVER EVER pick a game (for or against) that involve the Chargers before Week Six. 

I am actually concerned, because some of those participants picking the Chargers are those who have been with us for years. You know who you are. Been here for years, but seemingly not long for the world. Rule #3 is sacrosanct, the most unbreakable of all.

Don't pick the Chargers before Week Six. Don't pick the Chargers before Week Six. Don't pick the Chargers before Week Six. Rinse, Repeat.

Which leaves the Steelers as the obvious choice, at home, out of division, with nary a bolt in sight. Still, Big Ben versus the Bucs leaves little in the way of secure feelings at night, and twas in this moment that realization struck and the pathway was clear: the road game at Oakland is not so much a "road" game given the Silver and Black need travel seven thousand miles. 

And so it came to pass that the Swami came to rest upon his Beloveds in Week Four, as fine a place to rest as ever there was, and after a spot of tea and a dance with the Queen on a fair and overcast Sunday afternoon, so too would it come to pass that the Swami and his brood would pass unscathed to Week Five.

That is all.

Thursday Taunt III

When does the Tuesday Taunt become the Thursday Taunt? When the Swami sleeps through the first part of the week after having suffered an insufferable Sunday in which all but four emerged unscathed.

Four. Four losses only.

I am rooting for you all to see Week Five, when the scythe is sharpest and the bitter chaos is so sweet upon my lips, but this is a little ridiculous. Even the Cowboys won, which is saying something.

Weekly Statistics
192 participants
87 undefeated
79 with one loss
26 deceased

I imagine Week Four will be far, far different. I am already hearing rumblings that there are those of you bold enough to break that most sacred of rules, Rule #3. How did that turn out for you in Week Two? Ah yes. Very well then, like the Lobster Thermador, I recommend it, señor.

That is all.

What Says the Swami's Crystal Sphere . . . Special Edition Root of the Week III

Remember the words, the way they sound as the echo across the mind, the feelings they inspire as the echoes take root and understanding sprouts therefrom. Remember where first you were when recognition struck, when the first flash of insight lifted the wool off thine innocent eyes. Remember, also, how deep the truths put forth in this place, deep like the calm, dark waters of Marianas.

The Sphere of Crystal has bee consulted, and its mysterious and shrouded visions and half-truths have been deconstructed, and are now understood, and the Swami has been summoned to bring its tidings and bear forth its fruits. Listen you now to what the Swami says.

#1 - The 49ers of San Fran will have a season not unlike the streets of their titular namesakes, be it the ups and downs of rolling trolley-laden hills or the booms and busts of those who pan the river beds. Eight wins does not a playoff team make.

#2 - The Suicide Pool will not reach the NFL playoffs, but fear not those who have found themselves crushed heretofore, for a Second Life is coming and will be upon you soon.

#3 - The Broncos of Mile High will cruise to the playoffs, but will struggle in the playoffs ... but will still return to the Superbowl.

#4 - The Seahawks of Seattle will lose more regular season games (5) than anyone expects ... but will also still return to the Superbowl.

#5 - The Bengals of Cincy Town are the quickest team to reach 10 wins ... but do not advance past the Division Playoff Round.

#6 - My Beloveds earn a Wild Card berth on a tiebreaker by virtue of a head-to-head win against the Chargers of Saint Di-ago in Week Eight.

#7 - Ray Rice suits up for a team in the NFL in 2014.

#8 - This will be Jason Garrett's final season with the Boys of Cow from D-Ville.

#9 - Week Four will feature the Bears of Chicago taking on the Packers of Green Bay. And in the end, the Bears will triumph by kicking an oblong ball made of pigskin through a big "H". It will be a most ripping victory. Still, the Packers will win the rematch ... and the division.

#10 - With a fine quartet of victories in 2014, Rams of St. Louis coach will (and not for the first time) look in the mirror, consider himself, and say out loud to no one listening, "Why did I not take the freakin' Fins job?"

#11 - After a disastrous 2013, the Dirty Birds resume their rightful perch as the Indianapolis Colts of this teen years decade ... winning bunches of regular season games before choking their playoff lives away.

#12 - The winner of the Saints of New Orleans versus the Lions of Detroit will earn the final NFC Wild Card spot. The Swami likes the Saints in a season-long comeback bid from their 0-2 hole.

#13 - NFC Playoff Teams: Seahawks, Packers, Falcons, Eagles, Cardinals, Saints.

#14 - AFC Playoff Teams: Broncos, Bengals, Patriots, Texans, Dolphins, Bills.

#15 - The Broncos square off against the Seahawks again in the Big Dance, and while the contest is much more competitive this time around, the NFL crowns its first repeat winner in over a decade.

As for the Root, which exists in underlying purpose, there is little to say except the masses roll forth together in this Third Week, placing their collective faith in Foxboro. Will a little Brady Twitter Tuck Rule trolling enrage the rageless Raiders to reach puberty and find their ... ? Well, you know. Methinks not. The Swami rides with the masses on Patriot wings, as well.

So it is written. So it shall be done.

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt II

You see, my friends . . . the Swami knows. The Swami does not have rules for no reason, they exist for your protection. Many of you elected to heed the bells of warning, not so much some of the others.

Swami was asked this past week about the Seahawks and the 49ers as prospective picks, roads which a collective forty participants went down in Week Two ... and thus went down in Week Two. Heed the rules, my friends, and submit not to temptation, lest you, too, be struck by the highly-charged lightning of Suicide.

Rule #3 - Do Not, Do Not, Do Not Choose the Chargers, Either For or Against, Before Week Six ... The Chargers have burned too many participants to trust them at all with your Suicide lives, and yet several brave souls broke the rules ... and perished.

It just so happens that I also picked the Bears to win their Week Two matchup with the 49ers. Seemed like the classic bounce back game, and the 49ers are not that strong to begin with. Prepare yourself for my Twenty Bold Predictions, coming later this week once I have had time to consult with my crystal ball.

Which saw chaos coming this week, and chaos there was in spades. Quick statistics for the masses on this fine late evening:

Weekly Statistics
192 participants
89 undefeateds
69 with one loss
64 week two losers
63 week one losers
24 deceased

And so we bid a fine farewell and a safe adieu to the 24 lost souls who will wander the halls, and sidewalks, and streets of their byways, waiting four someone to shepherd them home. The shepherd is coming soon, sharpening his scythe for that coming day, when he will walk fully and forcefully amongst you. Prepare for that day, and his wrath.

That is all.

The Root of the Week II

There is cute. There is innocent. There is precious. There are those things, and then there is football, which is not cute, not innocent, not precious. Not even close. Nor will the action be such things come the morrow, when the masses place their collective faith in a multitude of teams ... which basically means not one has any clue what is happening. 

The Broncos? Many of you seem to think this is a quality pick. Let us not forget the Swami Rules for survival: #1 - Do not pick a team on the road. #2 - Do not pick a team playing in its own division. #3 - Do not pick the Chargers for or against before Week Six. And so I repeat, the Broncos? A heavy favorite, for sure, but in its own division means never a "for sure" lock.

The 49ers? The biggest facade in the League at present. A desperate Bears team with weapons to spare little resembles a hapless Boys squad held together by Romo and glue. The upset special of the week.

The assortment of single-takers, which include this week the Seahawks, Titans, Saints, Steelers, and (excitingly) even my Beloveds? A few of these bold against-the-grain-goers always get sliced off like fat from a prized steak.

Which leaves but one clear choice for greatness this Week Two of 2014, one clear choice for moving forward unscathed. The Swami shall take this choice, along with a good number of others, and ride the talented arm of Mister Rodgers and the whole of his neighborhood.

So it is written. So it shall be done.

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt I

The horses have left the gates, my friends. Hang on to your hats and glasses, Suicide 2014 has begun, and this here's the wildest ride in the wilderness. Things one might find in the wilderness? Let us discuss, I am feeling introspective and I want to introspect. Things one might find in the wilderness:

# - Bears, for one. Lovely, cuddly bears, or a big grizzly, or perhaps a Bear that has woken from hibernation too early, wandering around shell-shocked in the dark and gloom with all 47 of those unfortunate souls who tasted the bitter ash of Week One defeat.

# - Eagles, for another. The kind that soars high above the fray, glorious and majestic, but perhaps also the kind that drinks too much the night before, rolls out of the nest, fumbles around the Foles, and drops like an anvil before finally getting those feathers spread open enough to join his glorious fellows and carry 87 of us on the wind beneath his wings.

Things you will not find in the dog-eat-dog, natural selection, strongest survive wilderness? Parity, which seems to exist --- as has been discussed ad nauseum on the Swami Blog --- in spades in this modern era of the National Football League (feel free to channel Chris Berman upon reading the previous trio of words).

How might one come to such a conclusion? Easy, I have written it on the Internet, and therefore it must be true. This is the way the world works. However, were one looking for more proof, it might be simpler to provide a few facts (and for those who work in government, facts are things that are indisputably the case, like global warming, breakfast boosting metabolism, or Scientology).

Fact #1 - Sixteen teams were chosen in Week One, half the available NFL field. 
Fact #2 - Half the teams chosen won.
Fact #3 - Half the teams chosen lost.

Parity 1, Inequality 0.

The numbers, for those counting at home, are up this year in smashing fashion. There are 192 lovely souls on the line, ready to test their mettle against the might of the Suicide Reaper, taker of life, bringer of darkness, lord of the scythe. The number might even climb if there are any late write-in entries that did not make this post. As I've said before, lovingly and caringly, more participants means more potential for utterly bone-headed moves. 

Yes, I said BONE-HEADED moves. Like picking against my Beloveds, and risk not only the loss, but the wrath and burden of the Swami Hex. How did that Pats pick work out for you, Mr and Mrs Smith, Bootleg Right, and Monkey? Like the Battle of Camden*. Enjoy it.

You were not alone. With thanks to the Bears, Chiefs, Saints, Bucs, Chargers, Colts, Raiders, and Patriots, fully one-third of the field took the first haircut and buzzed the tower. Below the hard deck does not count, however, so all participants live to lose another day.

Weekly Statistics
192 participants
129 undefeateds
63 with one loss
16 teams chosen
8 losing teams
3 bets against the Beloveds
1 bet on the Raiders

The bell has sounded. The horses have left the gates. The "Liu Xiang 63" have fallen, but the rest continue on unscathed. And so in the immortal words of the Piano Man himself, "And so it goes, and so it goes, and so will you soon I suppose."

That is all.

*Too soon?

The Root of the Week I

Ladies and gentlemen, honored guests, compatriots, colleagues, competitors, and friends, I bid you welcome to another great and glorious year of the Suicide Pool.

It is customary at this time for the host, yours truly, to wax poetic on the wonders of football and the delights of gambling degeneration, the perils and pleasures of weekly team selection. And so allow myself to introduce myself, for I am that afore-mentioned host, the murderous, villainous, iniquitous Swami Me.

There are some of you who are new to the Pool, and thus have not had the benefit of my dialogue-ing ways, but let it be heard now that you shall come to know them. Oh yes, you shall.

For those who are new, there are two staples of the Suicide Pool blog: the Root of the Week and the Tuesday Taunt. In the former, the Swami lays down his weekly pick in advance of Sunday play, as well as the trending popular selections. In the latter, he taunts all those who perished the weekend prior. The Swami loves chaos, and relishes it.

Week One of 2014 lays down a few heavy favorites, bucking the trend of recent years which has seen the first week action all over the place, on multiple teams. The masses look to move one and all together, and lay their fates on the soaring Eagles and the vicious Bears. A few Chiefs, Saints, Steelers, etc, but mostly just the former pair.

As for the Swami himself, I will join the majority for this round in a manner unlike my usual, and Root for the beady-eyed but ultimately sharp-sighted visage of the mascot of this greatest nation. 

And so, without further ado, I declare this season of Suicide officially open.

That is all.

Welcome to Football, 2014-Style . . .

As Shooter was wont to say, my friends, my beautiful friends, friends of years, friends of tears, the time has come upon us once again. The moment we have waited for has arrived after very long, very sad months---the return of the NFL Suicide Pool, and yours truly.

Time has healed the wounds of 2013, it seems, as a record-breaking group jogs onto the field. No one, not savvy veteran nor unchristened rook, dared place their lives on the line for the Thursday Night melting of the Cheese, so it appears all my rowdy friends will join me on Sunday.

Let us dispense with the pleasantries, however, as there will be plenty of time for word-smithery in weeks to come. Let this post serve as your official reference points for all things Suicide Pool.

NFL Suicide Pools have a simple premise: you pick the winner of one single NFL game each week (straight up, no point spreads) and if the team you choose wins their game, you advance to the next week. 

If your team loses, you take a loss, and in the Swami's Suicide Pool two losses eliminates you from competition. You may not pick the same team twice during the regular season (see below for special playoff rules). There are additional details, of course, which are outlined below, but the above is the general gist of things.

That's it, although you are still highly encouraged to read the following in-depth breakdown in its entirety, even those who are experienced Swami Suicide Pool veterans.

(1) Entries - Each participant may enter a minimum of one (1) and a maximum of five (5) entries.

(2) Picks - You pick the winner of a single NFL game each week. No point spreads are involved, which means you pick the straight-up winner. Please note that ties count as losses. Kindly email your weekly picks to SwamiSuicidePool@gmail.com.

(3) Deadline -You must get your pick in by the start of your chosen team’s game (kick-off). If you neglect to send a pick in a given week, the default pick is the home team for the Monday night game. If you have already used that team, the Monday night visiting team is your selection. If you have already used both teams, you lose.

(4) Format - This is a double-elimination tournament; you are allowed one loss. Uno, dos, adios!

(5) Disputes - If rule clarifications or amendments are required mid-season (unlikely) or in the event of disputes (also unlikely), all decisions made by the Swami are final.

(6) Updates - An update email will be sent each week with the number of surviving players, the coming week's schedule of games, and pick selections from the previous weeks. The update will usually come on Tuesday, although the Swami reserves the right to stretch it later into the week, if needed. You can also check this blog for the update. Additionally, the Swami will post his own weekly pick on Saturdays prior to Sunday play, lest he picks the Thursday game, in which case twill be posted on the Day of Wednes.

(7) Playoffs - The playoff structure for 2014 is identical to the 2013, 2012, 2011, and 2010 formats. Starting in Week Ten (10) of the regular season, any team chosen by a participant is NOT eligible to be selected in the playoffs, where the standard Suicide Rules will apply (i.e. you select one team to win per weekend playoff round). Teams chosen in Weeks One thru Nine (1-9) will be available to be re-selected in the playoffs.

Kindly address questions to the Swami at SwamiSuicidePool@gmail.com.

And so I will leave you all for the time being as I crawl into my robes and gaze into the crystal once more, to return in short order with the first Root of the Week as the world waits eagerly on the eve of gridiron battle.

Let the Swami ride again.

That is all.