Swami's NFL Pool 2018: Tuesday Taunt I

September 13, 2016

Tuesday Taunt I

At this time I would like to introduce a very respected, very educated, very experienced participant in the Swami Pool ... myself. Allow myself to introduce myself, that I might once more shed some light on yonder poor, beleaguered heads.

I know most of you survived this past weekend, and yet, was it really a victory? Christopher Guest just showed up to tell me he shaved one year of your life away, and for science, wants to know how it felt. Several prominent therapists and several successful cardiologists received calls on Monday morning, as the masses sought to calm the collective stress and anxiety produced by this most remarkable first Sunday of NFL play.

A quick detour into the land of definitions:

near miss ... noun ... (1) a narrowly avoided collision or other accident; synonyms: close thing, near thing, narrow escape, close call, close shave, "two airliners were involved in a near miss yesterday" (2) a bomb or shot that just misses its target (3) when the Reaper's scythe sweeps overhead, but only clips a hair or two or three en route to a quiet first week.

It was a near miss of epic proportions this past weekend ... and the call was close specifically because you people did not follow the rules. The rules are there for your protection, to keep you safe, and yet like rebellious children you do not follow them. One last time, for the uninitiated:

Rule #1 - Don't pick a team on the road.

Rule #2 - Don't pick a team playing in its own division.

Rule #3 - Do not pick for or against the Chargers prior to Week Six.

Rule #4 - Do not use all multiple picks on the same team.

Rule #5 - Do not, not ever, pick against the Swami's Beloved Dolphins.

Adhere to the above rules without fail. Still, you did not. There were more than 110 Chiefs and Seahawks takers, all of whom needed an extra shot of booze during the day and an extra prozac that night, just to calm the craziness of those two games that were won by bare, barest of margins ... in games with picks that went expressly against the rules. There will be consequences. The Swami Hex is officially on 73 entries.

Quick Weekend Stats

199 participants

29 week one losers via the panthers, falcons, cowboys, colts, cardinals, rams

73 seahawks survivors with the swami hex now upon them

41 bold talkers of a road team in a division game, the chiefs

We currently sit at 199 entries (a new record) with a possible few more trickling in that I missed on the first pass at the spreadsheet. We will top 200 for the first time ever.

Onward we merrily roll as the Swami Suicide Pool of 2016 continues.

That is all.

Introducing . . .

. . . Ze German, a frothy, filthy, unfiltered 'Skins-lover bringing you weekly rants from his tapestry-laden castle high upon the Zugspitze peak. There is wisdom and method to his madness, however, so pay attention -- just look out for the women and children.

. . . The Holy Light, and the best of us, a beacon of strength, dignity, and truth, and shining where there is darkness. As it was in Ezekiel, his word is his bond and his name is the law, and he shall strike down those who dare not listen when he doth speak.

. . . The Hooded Fiend, brilliant, diabolical, devious -- the smartest man you've never met, and will never have the chance. Locked away in the dungeons below a nondescript building, we only bring the Fiend out to post when the situation is most dire.

. . . El Doctor, the tall, dark, hunky, and handsome resident surgeon of Suicide. Women love his strong hands, men respect his keen mind, and Swami requires his wicked wit, but no one understands his almost unholy passion for autos and linen pants.

. . . Man of Wench, that staunch fan of all things Philly and a fine specimen of masculinity, bold enough to tie the knot with the feisty, infamous Wench. Whether at the grill or at the bar, with a healthy glass of vino in his hand he'll bill you by the hour for a taste of his good times.

. . . Master of Macabre, a delightfully sinful and sinister purveyor of doom and gloom, keeper of all things dark and deathly. It is unsure what horrifies more: his spectral air, his cadaverous crypt, his Machiavellian machinations, or his penchant for Princess and the Frog.

. . . Shapeshifter, he of the ever-changing ways, ever-shifting forms, and everlasting enthusiasm. Our newest commentator brings forth pomp, verbosity, and circumstance on scale to rival even the Swami himself. Shifty, yes, and subtle when necessary, his form is never out of fashion.