The very notion of 'beginning' is a powerful one, if one so chooses to see it so. There is no purer moment, no more uninhibited realm. We begin, and hope springs eternal. We begin, and all else is wiped clean. We begin, and there is magic inherent. 'Twas a wise man who said, "It is time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings." Wise, indeed, for rare has a greater truth been said, and so we thank the good Meister for his excellent turn of phrase and take his words most readily to heart: there is magic in the air, the kind of magic only the fall can bring.
Ladies and gentlemen, honored guests, colleagues, heroes, villains, compatriots, competitors, lovers, and friends, I bid you welcome once more to another great and glorious year of the Suicide Pool. Allow myself to introduce myself, your host, the mischievous, oft-villainous, perhaps murderous, always iniquitous Swami of House Me, first of my name.
For those who are new to the Pool, you have much to learn, and I as your illustrious host am here to guide you and teach you, and help you along your merry way. We shall stay one step ahead of the Reaper himself, preferably two steps, for the Reaper waits on the fringes of our pool -- waiting for those who stumble and fall, waiting with sharpened scythe to finish them off. It could be short, it could be expansive, it will always be informative.
But how best to avoid the Reaper? How best to ensure you are the one left standing when the dust settles? Many men, women, and children have taken their own quite curious roads to reach the promised land; who will join them? Who will guide them?
Yes, my friends, I will come now to tell of the Two Staples and Five Rules of the Swami Suicide Pool. Rules are made to be broken, 'tis true, and more rules than one cares to admit will be broken this weekend by many experienced veterans of the Pool, and still. Still you must know them, must lay your head on the pillow and remember them, must post them widely and reverently across all manner of media.
The Two Staples of the Suicide Pool are the Root of the Week and the Tuesday Taunt. In the former, the Swami lays down his own weekly pick in advance of Sunday play, as well as the trending popular selections (and while the NFL has dropped Roman Numerals, not so shall the Swami's Root). In the latter, he taunts all those who perished the weekend prior with a Tuesday (oft Wednesday or Thursday) blog post and group email. The Swami, you will come to know, loves chaos, and relishes it.
The Five Rules for making selections in the Suicide Pool are as follows: (1) Never pick a road team; (2) Never pick a team playing a team within its own division; (3) Never pick the Chargers prior to Week Six; (4) Never pick the same team with all five of your entries; and, most importantly, (5) Never pick against the Swami's orange and aqua Beloveds, lest you risk the Swami Hex. Know, and remember.
It seems already there are those who have forgotten the rules -- the Beloveds, they of the 10.5 road-team-underdog status -- are a popular pick on this first week. It should be noted that even if you select the Seahawks and they win this week, it does not save you from the Swami Hex: it is written in sand and in stone and in fire that no participant who picks the Dolphins to lose shall ever win the Suicide Pool.
The masses have not moved in as many directions as usual for Week One; last season saw half the league selected. This week, however, it seems the Seahawks (boo) and Chiefs, with a smattering of others thrown in for good measure.
I myself have ruminated and marinated on multiple options in recent days, trying to find the best and most likely option; it has taken all my thought and some considerable skill to find the proper choice this first week. There will be no breaking of the Rules this week.
Give me JJ Watt and the Bad Boys of Texas, Houston that is, for the win.
And so, once more without further ado, with the first Root set and the Pool locked and loaded, I declare this season of the Swami Suicide Pool officially open.
That is all.
