Swami's NFL Pool 2018: NFL Obituary

October 19, 2010

NFL Obituary - Week Sechs

I close my eyes
Only for a moment,
then the momen't gone
All my dreams
Pass before my eyes,
a curiosity
Dust in the wind
All they are is dust in the wind
- Kansas

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have come to the crossroads of the season where it now becomes possible, and dare I say prudent, to make a judgement call on certain obvious storylines that still have yet to play themselves out, but for all intensive purposes are finished. Here, I will finally put to bed some of the lingering blemishes that seem to continue to raise their ugly head once and for all.

1) RIP Bills, Panthers, Lions, and Browns.

- I present to you the top 4 picks in the 2011 Draft, and the four teams that you should always pick against when given the oppotunity for the rest of the year. In a QB driven league you have two teams that are starting QBs that wouldn't even make it onto the other 30 teams' practice squads, and two teams that are starting rookies that no team thought was worthy of a first round pick. They've given up on themselves, so you should to. Like lambs to slaughter.....

2) RIP Wade Phillips and Norval Turner.

- You both suck so hard that not even Dyson could increase your sucktitude. God, I hate both your faces so much.

3) RIP Legacy of first ballot HOF players....Brett "Crotch Shots" Favre and Junior "I 'accidentally' drove myself off a 100 foot cliff, after being arrested for beating my 25 year old girlfriend" Seau

- Depending on how big these stories get, which I admit remains to be seen, their obituaries could read a similar way to how OJ's and Vick's will, ie. He played football, paragraph on transgression, the end. So sad.

4) RIP Jerry Jones and all semi-coherent Cowboy's fans hope

- countless weeks in a row having to pre-emptively say that he wasn't going to fire the Son of Bum mid-season, and now this, "Asked if he was concerned that his veteran quarterback would make such a crucial mistake, Jones showed his support in his own unique way. 'We don't have a replacement for Tony,' he said".......Delicious.

5) RIP Severe Head Injuries.....I hope

- Not sure if I like what the league thinks is the solution to this problem, but I think we all can agree that the amount of head injuries this year IS a problem. Players are faster and stronger than they have ever been, and head to head shots for some reason aren't getting flagged. It needs to start happening....NOW.

And now....Ze German's motivational poster of the week.....

Introducing . . .

. . . Ze German, a frothy, filthy, unfiltered 'Skins-lover bringing you weekly rants from his tapestry-laden castle high upon the Zugspitze peak. There is wisdom and method to his madness, however, so pay attention -- just look out for the women and children.

. . . The Holy Light, and the best of us, a beacon of strength, dignity, and truth, and shining where there is darkness. As it was in Ezekiel, his word is his bond and his name is the law, and he shall strike down those who dare not listen when he doth speak.

. . . The Hooded Fiend, brilliant, diabolical, devious -- the smartest man you've never met, and will never have the chance. Locked away in the dungeons below a nondescript building, we only bring the Fiend out to post when the situation is most dire.

. . . El Doctor, the tall, dark, hunky, and handsome resident surgeon of Suicide. Women love his strong hands, men respect his keen mind, and Swami requires his wicked wit, but no one understands his almost unholy passion for autos and linen pants.

. . . Man of Wench, that staunch fan of all things Philly and a fine specimen of masculinity, bold enough to tie the knot with the feisty, infamous Wench. Whether at the grill or at the bar, with a healthy glass of vino in his hand he'll bill you by the hour for a taste of his good times.

. . . Master of Macabre, a delightfully sinful and sinister purveyor of doom and gloom, keeper of all things dark and deathly. It is unsure what horrifies more: his spectral air, his cadaverous crypt, his Machiavellian machinations, or his penchant for Princess and the Frog.

. . . Shapeshifter, he of the ever-changing ways, ever-shifting forms, and everlasting enthusiasm. Our newest commentator brings forth pomp, verbosity, and circumstance on scale to rival even the Swami himself. Shifty, yes, and subtle when necessary, his form is never out of fashion.