The Root of the Week VIII

I don't often drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Pacifico. So sayeth the Swami, arguably the most interesting man in the world, and so drinketh the Swami at the very moment of this posting.

My merry little band of drinking mates includes the Factor (pinot grigio), the Wench (two Peroni bottles and a dab of the pinot), and the Man of Wench (multiple Fire Rocks and a Peroni nightcap); 'tis a motley crew, but we are enjoying ourselves immensely. To all those enjoying their own bit of cocktailing on this Halloween eve, mind the Swami and the mothers of MADD, and be safe.

This week's root comes with so many reeling from a tough stretch of weeks, upsets and losses piling on top of upsets and losses. There will be few big upsets this week, not with the pool of teams so evenly dispersed: bad playing bad, good playing good, and the semi-disparities with favorites on the road, which means the participant masses are spreading themselves thin -- multiple selections on the Cowboys, Colts, Jets, Patriots, and Chiefs, plus an Oakland pick and a Redskins pick.

Which leaves the Swami.

Too many weeks this season have I caucused with the herd, too many weeks have I held close to the pack. It is time to strike out and seek new ground. It is time to be bold, and different, and a little bit wild. I will ride the arm of Sam Bradford into the Sunday sunset on the holiday of Halloween, and while scary, in the end the treat will be sweet.

That is all.

A Game of Inches: The Brett Favre Story

This whole Favre Penis thing is getting ridiculous. The FBI might be getting involved, Jenn won't talk to the NFL, Brett says he's kind of innocent. So, ridiculous it needs a movie. Swami Suicide Pool was all over this as a cast was assembled and shooting started last week. It's obviously a Romantic Comedy, a sports themed chick flick you could say. The buzz is already spreading. Seacrest wants us on next week. You saw the title above, but the tagline is "I'm Only Guilty of Voicemails, That Wasn't My Penis". I could give details, but for now, you'll just get the cast.

Brett Favre: Jay Cutler - only one man can match the turnover abilities of Favre.

Jenn Sterger: J-Woww. 2 reasons we're excited about getting J-Woww on board. I can't remember them right now.

Brad Childress, Jared Allen and Ryan Longwell - Gary from Bachelor Party, Tex Cobb, and Pee Wee Herman. Actually I think Gary from Bachelor Party actually is Brad Childress. Tex Cobb got the Jared Allen role because Jared Allen looks like the kind of guy who has told dudes to "take your pants off" on more than one occasion. I have no idea what Ryan Longwell looks like but I'd imagine he looks like Pee Wee Herman because most kickers do.

Randy Moss - Ol' Dirty Bastard. Dirtwasn't available to be on set so we're using CGI. If it blows up our budget, we're getting Webster, putting him on a stool and gluing black yarn to his head for the dirty corn row effect.

Roger Goodell - Roger Goodell. This guy's way too intense to get a stand in. The movie will end with him taking on 50 FBI agents by himself, bending guns with his hands and catching bullets with his teeth. Scary.

Brett Favre's Penis - Uncredited. It will be a mystery penis.

Get excited everyone. The Swami Blog will now show up under Google searches with the word "penis", so we will probably be getting a new audience soon.

Tuesday Taunt VII

143 participants
33 undefeated
46 with one loss
64 dead


Yes, someone has a case of the Mondays, and it's lasted until Tuesday afternoon. There are worse weekends to be had, football-wise, but as the Swami exists in a heightened state of consciousness and does not live in Dykstra or Rieber Halls, such circumstances are difficult to grasp.

Every rule has its exception, every rose has its thorn, and once in a very blue moon, every Swami sings a sad, sad song. And so it came to pass in Week Seven of Suicide in the year 2010, Oakland dropped near three-score points on the Broncos, and the first loss was obtained.

As I said in the email, there are two ways to lose in the Suicide Pool: (1) a blowout, where you whack yourself upside the head and lament your own poor decision-making; or (2) a nail-biter, where you whack your friend or spouse upside the head, as he/she/it is the living entity in most direct proximity, and thus, most deserving of the brunt of your rage.

At least I am content knowing I did not have to worry very long; it was 21-0 five minutes in.

That is all.

The Root of the Week VII

At this point last year, the numbers -- 45 undefeated, 42 with one loss -- were very close to where they reside this year, which sees 46 and 49. Of course, this year we had 35 more participants. The grand NFL experiment known as parity seems to be working, to the hair-pulling dismay of our glorious group.


What, not the Bronco you were expecting?

For those who kept the Saints or Ravens in their pocket, hoping to squeeze one or the other in before the playoff-reusability-barrier of Week Ten, this is the week you've been waiting for; those two teams are the biggest favorites. Sadly, or perhaps not so, the Swami has already used both, and must go a different way.

The Chiefs have moved into the limelight as a popular pick amongst the remaining masses, interspersed with a handful of Falcons, Patriots, Seahawks, etcetera, and one very ballsy Cowboy pick -- and this participant is so confident, he actually had to tell me twice.

There is another smaller, more illustrious group, however, which has elected to ride the pony. The Swami is a member of this hearty little band, perhaps not quite as flamboyant as the photo above illustrates, but hearty nonetheless. Here's hoping the silver and black goes a more garish powder blue upon leaving Mile High.

That is all.

Holy Light's Holy Sh*t! Of The Week

Will Sonny and Cher be at the Coliseum next weekend? I'll bet anyone in the pool Sonny won't be there. This explains why no one ever heard of "Chip Kelly" before 2 years ago. What do you get when you combine Chip+Kelly???? Exactly.....Chastity. Get on this Yahoo......

The New Logo of the NFL

It's like the Jerry West NBA logo, but better. Get used to it. Source: James Harrison.

Why all the spearing from Willis?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4SQdcYDI-Y
DeSean Jackson/ Dunta Robinson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BbNe5Kv56k
Eric Legrand

Ok, I'm out of the garage from working on one of my motorized conveyances when I see CARNAGE from NFL week 6 and a PARALYZED college football D lineman from Rutgers. I really could care less about the "legal" hit arguement or fines for the players. The real problem here is defenders lowering their heads just before making the tackle. It's poor form and they're just asking for a serious neck injury....ask me how I know? Yep - El Doctor has one of those neck injuries and will have it for the rest of his life because I did the same thing.

(climbing off of my soapbox)

In other news...my undeafeated spot is now up for sale. Feel free to look at the teams I have picked...not all top teams...some of us can win picking the 49ers. The potential buyer will have plenty of telented teams to pick from for the remainder of the season. If the spot does not sell this week, I will keep making winning picks until it does and the price will rise with each passing week. Contact the Swami with any offers.

Let the bidding begin.

Now to find my linen pants...

Dr.
(already edited once by the draconian Swami...let's see if this one gets through)

Swami says: "Won't have to edit if El Doctor doesn't Bowfinger his next post. That is all."

Tuesday Taunt VI

143 participants
46 undefeated
49 with one loss
48 dead
12 week six losers


Yes, you clever little participant you, this Taunt comes on a Wednesday. Thank you for noticing; tough for the Swami to put anything past you.

More carnage than expected came this week, what with the Root and the masses dumping the Browns on the back of Big Ben. The Bears knocked around nine while the Chargers took down three more inexplicable selectors. Only 95 remain of the 143 who began.

That is all.

NFL Obituary - Week Sechs

I close my eyes
Only for a moment,
then the momen't gone
All my dreams
Pass before my eyes,
a curiosity
Dust in the wind
All they are is dust in the wind
- Kansas


Ladies and Gentlemen, we have come to the crossroads of the season where it now becomes possible, and dare I say prudent, to make a judgement call on certain obvious storylines that still have yet to play themselves out, but for all intensive purposes are finished. Here, I will finally put to bed some of the lingering blemishes that seem to continue to raise their ugly head once and for all.

1) RIP Bills, Panthers, Lions, and Browns.

- I present to you the top 4 picks in the 2011 Draft, and the four teams that you should always pick against when given the oppotunity for the rest of the year. In a QB driven league you have two teams that are starting QBs that wouldn't even make it onto the other 30 teams' practice squads, and two teams that are starting rookies that no team thought was worthy of a first round pick. They've given up on themselves, so you should to. Like lambs to slaughter.....

2) RIP Wade Phillips and Norval Turner.

- You both suck so hard that not even Dyson could increase your sucktitude. God, I hate both your faces so much.

3) RIP Legacy of first ballot HOF players....Brett "Crotch Shots" Favre and Junior "I 'accidentally' drove myself off a 100 foot cliff, after being arrested for beating my 25 year old girlfriend" Seau

- Depending on how big these stories get, which I admit remains to be seen, their obituaries could read a similar way to how OJ's and Vick's will, ie. He played football, paragraph on transgression, the end. So sad.

4) RIP Jerry Jones and all semi-coherent Cowboy's fans hope

- countless weeks in a row having to pre-emptively say that he wasn't going to fire the Son of Bum mid-season, and now this, "Asked if he was concerned that his veteran quarterback would make such a crucial mistake, Jones showed his support in his own unique way. 'We don't have a replacement for Tony,' he said".......Delicious.

5) RIP Severe Head Injuries.....I hope

- Not sure if I like what the league thinks is the solution to this problem, but I think we all can agree that the amount of head injuries this year IS a problem. Players are faster and stronger than they have ever been, and head to head shots for some reason aren't getting flagged. It needs to start happening....NOW.

And now....Ze German's motivational poster of the week.....

Doh Bears

Shunning the herd, I thought I'd be clever and take da Bears at home against Matt Hasselbeck and the Seahawks, who I thought were terrible on the road. Instead in a flash, I am out of the pool. Thanks Jay and the rest of the JV Bears (who unbelievably lead the NFC Norse still).

For you Mr. Cutler and our humble readers (however few you may be), I give you another Haiku . . .

Bears at home v. Hawks
No Brainer right you say, no?
Drunk Vandy Frat Boy

The Root of the Week VI

One week after a vicious blood-letting, everyone scrambles to play it safe. The Curtain is the beneficiary, of course, hosting the lowly Browns in a matchup featuring the return of Big Ben and the first start for rookie QB Colt McCoy. I suppose the photo for the Week 04 Taunt would've been applicable, as well, therefore. No official tally, but the vast majority rides the 'Burgh.

Swami likes Steel City, too, this week, yet another moment of herd mentality for one oft herd-averse. Most of the rest are on the New York Football Giants, with a smattering of Bears, Colts, etc. With so many rooting for Big Ben to succeed this week, thereby in some small measure facilitating his image rehabilitation, it makes me wonder if we're all bad people.

That is all.

Ode to Norv

For all those dumb enough to role the dice with the Chargers this week (like me), I give you a Haiku:

Norv Turner you suck

One should never pick the Bolts

Stick a fork in me

A Case of the Mondays V

"It's a cruel and random world, but the chaos is all so beautiful."

So says the alchemist Arakawa, crystallizing perhaps better than anyone outside the Swami what the Suicide Pool is, and was, and will be, although never more so than this past weekend, this most binary of Sundays, when history was made.


One need look no further than the image above to understand how devastating Week Five was, how much carnage was wrought by the Bengals and Saints and Chargers and Cowboys and Rams and Texans and Packers, and how beautiful the chaos truly was.

It was the single most death-laden week in Suicide pool history: 29 participants exited stage left with their second loss, never to return, while 32 others felt the sting of that first awful bite. For those keeping track, 47% of the active group of participants went down to defeat. The update coming on the morrow will expound upon these numbers and provide the snap-shot statistics, but for now it is enough to say that we are unlikely to see a week such as this for a long, long time.

Epic, truly epic.

That is all.

The Root of the Week V

It's a foursome, one week removed from an excellent opportunity for pun. I liken the big picks this week as follows: Indy is Ty Webb, usually unflappable; the Bengals are Al Czervik, just because of the pants; the Ravens are Dr. Beeper, looking for the playoffs three years running; and the Chargers are the Judge, always good for a slice.

Also, a smattering of picks on the Cowboys, Packers, and Saints, and even a trio of very bold Jags and Rams selections. I enjoy those who are bold, almost as much as I enjoy chaos. As for the Week Five Swami selection, I have this to say: Be the Ball.

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah.

That is all.

Fiend's Five Under Fire

A weekly look at five coaches feeling the heat

1.Mike Singletary, San Francisco 49ers

While Singletary is on the hottest of hot seats, the Fiend is starting to wonder if the Niners offensive problems start with QB Alex Smith. New offensive coordinator every year, same result. The 49ers aren't as bad as their 0-4 record shows and should beat a Vick-less Eagles team at home on Sunday night.

2.Brad Childress, Minnesota Vikings

The biggest jump this week belongs to Brad Childress coming off a Week 4 bye. Why? Two reasons. A small distraction involving Brett Favre and the addition of Randy Moss. When the Vikings fail to produce offensively, the blame goes to Chilly rather than Favre and Moss.

3.Norv Turner, San Diego Chargers

Norv holds his spot at #3 despite the blowout win over Arizona. A big win means a big letdown the next week for a Norv-coached team, so expect a disaster in the Black Hole on Sunday.

4.Marvin Lewis, Cincinnati Bengals

Although Lewis is in no danger of being fired at this point, it's going to take a big turnaround in a tough division for him to remain the coach of the Bengals past this season. Losing to Cleveland will earn any coach a spot in the top five.

5.Chan Gailey, Buffalo Bills

The Bills are looking like they will be in great position to pick between Andrew Luck, Jake Locker or Ryan Mallett next spring. The Trent-ative Edwards experiment failed miserably and Ryan Fitzpatrick is now starting in Buffalo. Not exactly Jim Kelly or even Frank Reich. Not even Alex Van Pelt for that matter.

Waiting on deck....

Jack Del Rio, Jacksonville Jaguars

Wade Phillips, Dallas Cowboys

Tom Cable, Oakland Raiders

Tuesday Taunt 04

Weekly Statistics

143 participants
85 undefeated at 4-0
46 with one loss
12 dead
11 week four losers



For those wondering, this is a picture of a colt being broken. You'll have to figure some of these out on your own, folks.

That is all.

The Root of the Week IV

"Look, kids, Big Ben, House of Parliament."

Week Four has the Suicide Pool spinning, it seems, with multiple teams being tabbed for Sunday glory. After a slow and silent third outing, our fourth looks to be quite the mayhem-maker.

The Saints, Packers, and Chargers (really?) seem to be the squads most favored by our participants, although there are quite a few nods to the Falcons, Colts, and Jets, and even a handful of Texans, Bengals, and who knows who else. Will all these teams earn the elusive NFL "W"? I think not, and I think it glorious.

For those keeping track of our weekly Root, in which space the Swami has posted his pick each week with various forms of word-smithery, I shall be clear with my selection this week, for those who appreciate not exceptional prose and poetry.

There is a Brees stirring the Swami this week. Saints by 17.

That is all.