The Root of the Week XII

Ladies and gentlemen, I am feeling introspective, and I want to introspect.

If one was to wonder just why, oh why this season of Suicide has been so ridiculous, one could do much worse for oneself than to look upon the graphic provided above. It is quite clear that tremendous parity reigns in the NFL at present, which is why the past two seasons have seen such heartbreak and devastation.

For those who say to themselves, yes there is some parity in the NFL, but not really because New England and Pittsburgh have made the playoffs nearly every year for the past decade or longer, allow me to enlighten, and I will do so without bringing Jeff Goldblum's Ian Malcolm into the equation.

Fact: no matter how neutral something is, variations will exist. Flip a coin ten times. Eventually, either the first time or the 100th or the 1000th, eventually you will come up tails ten times in a row. Doesn't mean the coin is bad. Probabilities and statistics dictate that it will happen. New England and Pittsburgh are the variations. The Bills and Browns swing the variation pendulum back the other way. Everyone else lies somewhere in the middle, grinding it out.

Speaking of the Browns, I know the masses find no comfort in knowing, per the graphic above, that the Bengals are responsible for one of only two Cleveland wins in 2012. The Bengals, it seems, are highly regarded this week, Spawn included. The Broncos and Colts have a handful, as well, but the tiger in the grass is thought to be deadliest.

We shall see in what way the previous statement holds true.

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt XI

Not one loss this week. Not one. Like Neo of old, the bullet dodging was on an epic scale. The Cleveland Browns scattered buckshot, most of it connected, and yet still the Boys survived. Given the Root posting for this week, continuing the theme, I had an image of Ike Clanton galloping away as he lets fly his red sash.

The horsemen let you all go last week. Perhaps it was the upcoming holidays. Perhaps they wanted you all to feel good about Thanksgiving, maybe go out, eat some food, spend some money, etc.

The Swami knows better.

This is but a calm before the Week 12 storm. There are no easy picks, particular when you must consider the playoff implications. There will be no Neo there to stop the bullets for you. There will be blood this week, and I will drink your milkshake.

I drink it up.

That is all.

The Root of the Week XI

I'm your Huckleberry.

Far be it from me to tell all of you what to do, but in keeping it short and sweet, you all's crazy. Yes, I get it, the Browns are the football franchise equivalent of a Rodney Dangerfield-Lindsay Lohan love child, totally fracked with absolutely no respect. But really? Really?

You believe in the Romo and Jerry show that much, to the tune of all but a small handful riding with Curly Bill, donning the red sash? Well, I'm sorry, but there has got to be some law; you've called down the thunder, now you've got it. Make no mistake, it's not a reckoning I'm after, it's devastation. 

To quote Johnny Ringo, an educated man, "Eventus stultorum magister." Translation: Now I've got two guns. One for each of ya.

That is all.

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PS - The Spawn will ride the Skins. What better week to be a Redskin than when the rest of the field is a Cowboy?

Tuesday Taunt X

I considered leading off with my old standby "Error 404" message, given my own technical issues with phone and computer this week, some of which are still ongoing. Unfortunate, but true. The Swami expects all will be well on the morrow, and so the official email update will not get out until Thursday night, sadly enough, but sadder still the moment will be for those who will be forced, upon its release, to relive the past weekend.

A tie is a loss in the Suicide Pool.

Let us flashback to Philadelphia 2009, when one not-so-young Donovan McNabb was quarterbacking the Iggles to glory and greatness---yeah, not so much. The last tie in the NFL sent a ripple through Suicide, as the language was not explicit enough and yours truly was pressed into fancy-foot-working and decision-making. All ended well, and well ended was the lack of clarity in the rules.

Which have since expressly stated that a tie is a loss, as several of you (read: 7 apx) most painfully discovered via the fools gold of the San Francisco 49ers. 

I will not mention the near devastation caused on Monday night, as it still pains me greatly with thoughts of what could have been with a meltdown of Steel. Several persons took their own pain to South Beach, as well---but the heavens know best how to salve my own pain sprung from a Beloved loss . . . and that is to take multiple participants down with them, both in the Suicide Pool and, most extraordinarily given the margin of victory, the Second Life. Even in defeat, my Beloveds make me proud.

That is all. 

The Root of the Week X

Ah, the glory of the orange and teal.

It seems more than myself will cheerlead the Beloveds this weekend, as they hold court at home versus the Titans of Tennessee. The Factor and the Spawn shall place their faith in the Fish, as well as Swami in Second Life, along with many of you. The Beloveds are on the up-and-up, and praise be to Philbin and all his merry men for bringing the sunshine back to the tip of the Sunshine State.

Let's look for a little Bush in the end zone this week, shall we? You know Curtis Armstrong will be watching, digging deep.

As for the rest of you, the root is on for Steel City this week, and you'll all have to wait until Monday night to watch them disassemble the hapless Chiefs. And for those not paying attention, Romeo Crennel has vowed to bench any player who commits a turnover; I'm not entirely sure how many men he'll have left by quarter four.

That is all.

The Root of the Tuesday Taunt

Like a hand lifted to the heavens, and touched by divinity in response, the prayers of the masses were answered this week. A few tidbits before the normal course of dialogue begins:

1) No official Root last week, as Cheese State travels precluded a timely update. It happens, and on a week such as this, as you will see, it matters little.

2) I shall not wax political on this blog, but in short, good luck to us.

3) We now enter Week 10, which means, for those paying attention at home, any team selected from here on out may not be reused again in the playoffs, or any other time. As per the rules, any team used from Weeks 1-9 may be used again if, and only if, you make the playoffs post Week 17.

Now, the normal course . . . which I have decided will be brief this week, given the fact that there were, astoundingly, no losses. None. Zip. Zilch. Zero.

Not a soul suffered defeat in either Suicide or Second Life, despite the selection of ten different teams: the Texans, Packers, Seahawks, Ravens, Broncos, Lions, Bucs, Bears, Falcons, and yes, even the Chargers came home for the participants in Week 09.

Results like this past weekend's have been few and far between the past handful of years, given the growing and striking parity of the NFL, but every now and then the sun does break through the clouds to shine upon the dejected few who remain.

Will the sun still shine in Week Ten? Will the Reaper make his glorious return? Will the divine reach down to touch us all once more? These answers and more to come as we ascend the circular staircase, look down at the elaborate tile below, and mark the elusive spot with a great big "X".

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt (Thursday Morning Edition)

Inactivity is the art of enjoying oneself without doing anything. Week Eight was quite inactive.

Only four fall, though two do fall from the ranks of the unbeaten, which gives us:

Weekly Statistics

135 participants

10 undefeated

42 with one loss

93 dead.

The Chargers claim two more victims, both rookies, who have yet to memorize and understand the Suicide lore. There is little more to say on the matter, as we wait for Week Nine and a return to the chaos that has defined this season.

That is all.

The Root of the Week VIII

It seems that everybody is a Cheesehead this week. I have not taken an official survey, but the group has spoken, and anyone who has the Bay of Green left in the tank for Week Eight has tapped that reserve, and tapped it hard.

This includes the Spawn and the Factor, and for those uneducated few, or those for whom the Swami life and culture references fly far, far above, the Spawn and Factor are the offspring and mate of the Swami, respectively.

In other words, the Packers hold the fate of the masses in their hands, not to mention the Swami himself in the Second Life. I suppose there are worse hands to be in that those of Aaron Rodgers. At least, that's what Destiny Newton tells us.

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt VII

And just like that, the pendulum swings.

Weekly Statistics
135 participants
12 undefeateds
32 with one loss
91 deceased

One death and one death only this week, technically, suffered by the third of the Avercrombies, clearly the runt of the litter, always destined to look up at the undefeated first born. The referenced technically regards Wick and Chick, who also fall below the line as neither Wick nor Chick recognized they doubled up the Dirty Birds, and so down they go.

For the rest of the masses, this week was like a breath of fresh air, a long swig of water in the midst of the desert, or perhaps following the line of the pendulum, much like a certain unnamed narrator* who feels the red hot walls closing in, pushing him towards the edge and the abyss, and only just as he stumbles and starts to fall, knowing death is coming, does the merciful hand of the French Army take hold, pulling him back to safety.

Will we find more mercy in the bosom of Week Eight? I doubt it. There is usually calm before great storm, and this has been a tempestuous season, indeed.

Into the fray we go again, dear friends.

That is all.

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*It's Poe again, people. Did none of you read anything in college?

The Root of the Week VII

Yet another week is upon us with choices galore, and none of them good. The masses are moving in different directions entirely, some having already struck gold with the 49ers, others riding bareback on the Colts, still more pledging their allegiance to the Patriots, a bold handful going rogue with the Raiders, several Cheeseheads, a pair of Giants, a Boys-lover, a Texans-taker, and one entire family hibernating until Monday with the Bears.

As for the Swami and the Factor and the Spawn, we also have divided our interests: the young ones feel a little Lucky, what woman doesn't love Tom Brady, and I have decided to be the only participant, Second Life or otherwise, to back the resurgent Bills.

That is all.