Tuesday Taunt III

Week Three Statistics

148 participants

87 undefeated at 3-0

19 week three losers

5 participants dead

We did not see the kind of carnage this week that would traditionally accompany a Chargers-heavy selection load, which is disappointing. I shall take some solace, however, in knowing how mightily many of you were sweating in the fourth quarter of that contest, the mind running wild with thoughts of how the Chargers would "do it to you again" and blow a lead to a bad team on their home field.

It would have been glorious, truly.

Special props go to those who knew the risks, and still elected to give Norv's boys one more shot; Team Devastation, in particular, put a whole lot of eggs in one basket, a basket not known for its stability. Additional love and kudos to Brass Balls, who had a pair in picking the Raiders, as well as those select few who rode Cam Newton this week to the rookie's first win.

19 losses is not bad. Here's hoping Week Four is better.

That is all.

The Root of the Week III

Oh my, this could be good.

Right now, on the eve of our third week, considering the possibilities for tomorrow's carnage, it's like I'm in a glass case of emotion. I want to say something. I'm going to put it out there: if you like it, you can take it; if not, send it right back.

You people are all $&@%# nuts.

I have three rules in Suicide, as anyone who's entered the pool before knows: (1) do not pick a team to win on the road (2) do not pick a team to win against divisional foe (3) do not pick the Chargers to win before Week Seven.

Of these rules, #1 and #2 are really more like guidelines, as it would be nearly impossible to complete a season without breaking them. In fact, this week I'm breaking the first of those rules. But the one rule I've never broken, the one rule above all others which has proven true time and time again---and one good reason why I always make it past Week Six, at least---is #3. DO NOT PICK THE CHARGERS BEFORE WEEK SEVEN.

What's funny is that you all know this. You all know the Chargers begin every season 2-4, with at least one bad loss to one really bad team. Usually, the loss happens at home. And yet the vast majority has picked the Chargers this week, knowing full well the danger, even commenting pithily about nervousness and unease and uncertainly and doubt over the selection. The Bolts have KC at home, however, and should easily win.

Still, they won't.

The Chargers will lose and will take a massive chunk of people with them. Sure, there is action on the Pats, Steelers, Titans, and select others, but the Chargers have the lion's share---and it is my expectation that on the morrow, you Bolts-bearers will all be expressing your inner anguish through the majesty of song.

As for me, in an interesting coincidence, I'll repeat my pick from Week Three last year. Not because it makes for wonderful prose, the words of which I shall cut and paste below to plagiarize both myself and Poe, but because it makes decent sense, and there is no way in the name of whatever god it is you worship that my money will sit upon, beneath, or beside the Saint Diegoans prior to the passing of the sixth week.

"And so open here I fling the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter, in there steps a raven of the saintly days of yore, and this raven still beguiling all my fancy into smiling, on the morrow shall ease my sorrow, and take me straight into Week Four."

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt II

Perhaps my exuberance last week was premature. It seems that a great many of you took last week's historic opening round losses to heart, and diligently studied up this week.

That, or the group got really, really lucky. You can't put your money on the Steelers, Packers, Lions, Jets, Redskins, Giants, Cowboys, Bills, Broncos, and Patriots, have all of them win, and not be either (1) savvy and smart or (2) lucky and dumb.

A little bit of both, I guess.

As I mentioned in the update email, those of you who are new to the Suicide game will come to learn that, after weekends of competition such as the one recently concluded, I don't exactly bound out of bed in the morning to craft the weekly update. When only 2% of the active field loses, it makes for little fun for me.

It is worth noting that the Suicide Pool did claim its first victim this week, and that for the first time, only one lone participant was tossed out after two weeks: Bro of the Bea 04, take a bow; you are the Suicide Pool's Mr. Irrelevant for 2011. For some reason, I don't think Bro will be complaining---he's got four other picks to worry about. If you know Bro, however, and some of you do, feel free to heckle to your heart's content.

Back to the rest of you. To help ease my unhappiness over the weekend results, a flashback to a kinder, gentler time. So, Mr. Owl, the wisest of us all, how many losses were there in this second week of Suicide?

A one . . .
A two-hoo . . .
A tha-three . . .

A three.

That is all.

The Root of the Week II

On January 09 of this very year, as the NFL season and Suicide Pool were winding down, 89% of remaining participants rode the arm of Drew Brees in the stone-cold lock pick of the week: the Saints versus the Seahawks.

89% of remaining participants lost.

On September 18 of this very year, as the NFL season and Suicide Pool are ramping up, the vast majority of the participants have elected to ride the arm of Ben Nomeansyesesberger (despite that team coming off a 28-point loss to a hated division rival) in the stone-cold lock pick of the week: the Steelers versus the Seahawks.

I'm not one to live in the past, however, just to prognosticate the future . . . which is why I'm staying as far away from Pittsburgh as Seattle wants you to stay away from their city (google it, you can't make this stuff up).

Yes, the Swami and Factor broke out our little fondue set for the weekend, as we cast our collective lot with the cheese. Clay is a hungry, hungry man; methinks some smoked Cam is on the menu.

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt the First

And so the grand and glorious experiment that was 24 participants picking the Browns comes to a close on a hot, dry day in Cleve-Land.

"Unmitigated Disaster"
"It's Unanimous - That Game Was Lousy"

A pair of actual Ohio newspaper headlines, which tell you all you need to know. Of course, Browns people, it could've been worse -- you could've been routed 41-7, as were the 15 who rode the Chiefs into their own version of Wounded Knee.

All told, some 44 of the 107 entries guttered their opening frame, a full 40%.

For the newbies, this blog is the best place for fast information. Each weekend, I'll post the trending picks, as well as my own, and each week I'll post the results, usually on Tuesday (hence, the recurring title). I'll also email a spreadsheet each week, so you can keep track of your picks.

We're off and running, and as I am a particular fan of chaos when it comes to Suicide, here's hoping Week Two brings us the ability on this blog to allude to General Custer in some way, to follow the theme*.

Week One Results
147 participants
44 week one losers
103 undefeateds

Grand and glorious carnage; the Suicide Pool is back!

That is all.

*Custer was a Michigan man, so tread carefully, my lovelies, on Detroit this week.

The Root of the Week I

Hello, my beautiful people, my lovely degenerates, my faithful followers, and welcome once more to the hallowed halls of the Suicide Pool. It is time once again to sit and contemplate, now on the eve of battle, what it is that has brought us to this place, on this time, on this day, bearing witness to the beginning of a new season of glorious football chaos.

The answer is simple, of course: a new collective bargaining agreement. After months of great concern by the masses, many of whom emailed yours truly to voice and vent their concerns, we enter the new football season none the worse for wear---except Peyton Manning's neck, which has seen better days.

And in the grand tradition of the Suicide Pool, our first week is an all-out imbroglio: as many as thirteen teams have been selected by the masses, representing a full 40% of the league. We've got participants riding the fancies of the Texans, Browns, Cardinals, Chiefs, 49ers, Jets, Broncos, Eagles, Bills, and Ravens, with the first two the favorites of the bunch.

We've also got an already victorious Packer-backer, a series of those unwise enough to pick the Patriots of New Hoodie against my beloveds, and---most remarkably---a number of participants, some of them even some knowledgeable veterans, electing to roll the dice and ride the future Los Angeles Chargers. Clearly, such people do not pay attention, and do not know that the Chargers have been more responsible for Week One losses in the last five years than any other team. One of the unofficial Suicide Pool rules is actually "do not pick the Chargers before Week Six, since they are guaranteed to start the season 1-4". Good luck to you, people. By the by, for those wondering where the Swami allegiance lies, my own choice shall be the Birds of the Desert; the Kolb Bowl should make for some exciting viewing.

And so we have returned once more, myself as host of the Suicide Pool, you as its many loyal and degenerate participants and fans, and together we shall take our first steps down a familiar path---and yet the bends and twists of this coming season shall be new and exciting, and shall truly set the bar high.

And so, without further ado, I now declare this season officially open. Let's get ready to ruuuuuummmmbbbbblllleeeee . . . . .

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

That is all.

Are You Ready For Some Football?

Yes, my friends, the time has come once again, and the moment we have waited long, nerve-racking months for has arrived: the NFL Suicide Pool returns in 2011, courtesy of a new collective bargaining agreement, hosted by yours truly. And, once again, we expect to field our largest field ever this coming season.

For those with questions, this post shall serve as a reference for all Pool Rules and Regulations. NFL Suicide Pools have a simple premise: you pick the winner of one single NFL game each week (straight up, no point spreads) and if the team you choose wins their game, you advance to the next week. If your team loses, you take a loss, and in the Swami's Suicide Pool two losses eliminates you from competition. You may not pick the same team twice during the regular season (see below for special playoff rules). There are additional details, of course, which are outlined below, but the above is the general gist of things.
 
Participants are encouraged to read the following in its entirety, even those who are experienced Swami Suicide Pool veterans.

(1) Entries - Each participant may enter a minimum of one (1) and a maximum of five (5) entries. (2) Picks - You pick the winner of a single NFL game each week. No point spreads are involved, which means you pick the straight-up winner. Please note that ties count as losses. Kindly email your weekly picks to SwamiSuicidePool@gmail.com. (3) Deadline - You must get your pick in by the start of your chosen team’s game (kick-off). If you neglect to send a pick in a given week, the default pick is the home team for the Monday night game. If you have already used that team, the Monday night visiting team is your selection. If you have already used both teams, you lose. (4) Format - This is a double-elimination tournament; you are allowed one loss. Uno, dos, adios! (5) Disputes - If rule clarifications or amendments are required mid-season (unlikely) or in the event of disputes (also unlikely), all decisions made by the Swami are final. (6) Updates - An update email will be sent each week with the number of surviving players, the coming week's schedule of games, and pick selections from the previous weeks. The update will usually come on Tuesday, although the Swami reserves the right to stretch it later into the week, if needed. You can also check this blog for the update. (7) Playoffs - The playoff structure for 2011 is identical to the 2010 and 2009 formats. Starting in Week Ten (10) of the regular season, any team chosen by a participant is NOT eligible to be selected in the playoffs, where the standard Suicide Rules will apply (i.e. you select one team to win per weekend playoff round). Teams chosen in Weeks One thru Nine (1-9) will be available to be re-selected in the playoffs.

Kindly address questions to the Swami at SwamiSuicidePool@gmail.com.

Good luck to all participants! Hank would be so proud.

That is all.

Swami NFL Suicide Pool Final Standings

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and degenerates, we have found our champion for the 2010 Suicide Pool, and this champion is glorious.

Lady Lew the Younger, take a bow.

Nay, curtsy, for the Suicide Pool crowns its first female champion, giving hope to the feminine masses. It is also worth noting at this time, when much of the male populace is amusing slapping their collective foreheads at the thought of being bested by the opposite sex, that our winner is not only female . . .

She is also fourteen years old.

That sound you heard was the collective group falling over. Yes, my friends, Lady Lew the Younger is a 14-year-old girl, and she outlasted, outmaneuvered, outfoxed all comers, and carries home the proverbial golden goblet. The rest of the Top Ten is as follows:

2 - Back Nine Ben
3 - Papa Lew
T4 - Ze German
T4 -Pretzel 01
T4 -  The Doctor
T4 -Lewis Family Tree
T4 -  Mama Lew
T4 -Fiendish Femme
T10 - Mr. Incredible
T10 - Mumsy

Well done, everyone, and thank you all for participating in our little pool this season; it was one of the more enjoyable rides we've had. We hope to see you all back next year, barring lockout, and may our 2011 romp be as joyous and fantabulous as our last. Be well, be safe, and study up. Onward to September!

That is all. Literally.

The Root of the Week (Championship Round)

It's a brutal, hard-nosed, hands-to-the-face NFC North match-up which draws the attention of our Suicide Pool this weekend, as our final three participants vie for a berth in the Super Bowl.

The Lew clan will get there, one way or another, with the Lew picks split between Packers and Bears. Back Nine Ben needs the green and gold to enter the record books as only the second #6 seed to get to the Big Dance; they do so, and he packs his dancing shoes, too.

That is all.

The Unholy Playoff Devastation

The devastation wrought by the Saints is nearly complete; eight of the nine remaining participants were riding the holiest franchise, the defending champs, the righteous ones, as the team itself rode into Seattle on a wave of public approval, expecting to dominate the lowly 7-9 division-winning Seahawks.

Together, they all rode right into their 2010 graves.

Only three remain, the two undefeated Lew teams and Back Nine Ben, who now has a significant amount of the good green heaped on the Ravens tomorrow, who were his pick. If they fail, we go into sudden death between the youngest and eldest of Clan Lew.

The end is near.

That is all.