Tuesday Taunt the First

And so the grand and glorious experiment that was 24 participants picking the Browns comes to a close on a hot, dry day in Cleve-Land.

"Unmitigated Disaster"
"It's Unanimous - That Game Was Lousy"

A pair of actual Ohio newspaper headlines, which tell you all you need to know. Of course, Browns people, it could've been worse -- you could've been routed 41-7, as were the 15 who rode the Chiefs into their own version of Wounded Knee.

All told, some 44 of the 107 entries guttered their opening frame, a full 40%.

For the newbies, this blog is the best place for fast information. Each weekend, I'll post the trending picks, as well as my own, and each week I'll post the results, usually on Tuesday (hence, the recurring title). I'll also email a spreadsheet each week, so you can keep track of your picks.

We're off and running, and as I am a particular fan of chaos when it comes to Suicide, here's hoping Week Two brings us the ability on this blog to allude to General Custer in some way, to follow the theme*.

Week One Results
147 participants
44 week one losers
103 undefeateds

Grand and glorious carnage; the Suicide Pool is back!

That is all.

*Custer was a Michigan man, so tread carefully, my lovelies, on Detroit this week.

The Root of the Week I

Hello, my beautiful people, my lovely degenerates, my faithful followers, and welcome once more to the hallowed halls of the Suicide Pool. It is time once again to sit and contemplate, now on the eve of battle, what it is that has brought us to this place, on this time, on this day, bearing witness to the beginning of a new season of glorious football chaos.

The answer is simple, of course: a new collective bargaining agreement. After months of great concern by the masses, many of whom emailed yours truly to voice and vent their concerns, we enter the new football season none the worse for wear---except Peyton Manning's neck, which has seen better days.

And in the grand tradition of the Suicide Pool, our first week is an all-out imbroglio: as many as thirteen teams have been selected by the masses, representing a full 40% of the league. We've got participants riding the fancies of the Texans, Browns, Cardinals, Chiefs, 49ers, Jets, Broncos, Eagles, Bills, and Ravens, with the first two the favorites of the bunch.

We've also got an already victorious Packer-backer, a series of those unwise enough to pick the Patriots of New Hoodie against my beloveds, and---most remarkably---a number of participants, some of them even some knowledgeable veterans, electing to roll the dice and ride the future Los Angeles Chargers. Clearly, such people do not pay attention, and do not know that the Chargers have been more responsible for Week One losses in the last five years than any other team. One of the unofficial Suicide Pool rules is actually "do not pick the Chargers before Week Six, since they are guaranteed to start the season 1-4". Good luck to you, people. By the by, for those wondering where the Swami allegiance lies, my own choice shall be the Birds of the Desert; the Kolb Bowl should make for some exciting viewing.

And so we have returned once more, myself as host of the Suicide Pool, you as its many loyal and degenerate participants and fans, and together we shall take our first steps down a familiar path---and yet the bends and twists of this coming season shall be new and exciting, and shall truly set the bar high.

And so, without further ado, I now declare this season officially open. Let's get ready to ruuuuuummmmbbbbblllleeeee . . . . .

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

That is all.

Are You Ready For Some Football?

Yes, my friends, the time has come once again, and the moment we have waited long, nerve-racking months for has arrived: the NFL Suicide Pool returns in 2011, courtesy of a new collective bargaining agreement, hosted by yours truly. And, once again, we expect to field our largest field ever this coming season.

For those with questions, this post shall serve as a reference for all Pool Rules and Regulations. NFL Suicide Pools have a simple premise: you pick the winner of one single NFL game each week (straight up, no point spreads) and if the team you choose wins their game, you advance to the next week. If your team loses, you take a loss, and in the Swami's Suicide Pool two losses eliminates you from competition. You may not pick the same team twice during the regular season (see below for special playoff rules). There are additional details, of course, which are outlined below, but the above is the general gist of things.
 
Participants are encouraged to read the following in its entirety, even those who are experienced Swami Suicide Pool veterans.

(1) Entries - Each participant may enter a minimum of one (1) and a maximum of five (5) entries. (2) Picks - You pick the winner of a single NFL game each week. No point spreads are involved, which means you pick the straight-up winner. Please note that ties count as losses. Kindly email your weekly picks to SwamiSuicidePool@gmail.com. (3) Deadline - You must get your pick in by the start of your chosen team’s game (kick-off). If you neglect to send a pick in a given week, the default pick is the home team for the Monday night game. If you have already used that team, the Monday night visiting team is your selection. If you have already used both teams, you lose. (4) Format - This is a double-elimination tournament; you are allowed one loss. Uno, dos, adios! (5) Disputes - If rule clarifications or amendments are required mid-season (unlikely) or in the event of disputes (also unlikely), all decisions made by the Swami are final. (6) Updates - An update email will be sent each week with the number of surviving players, the coming week's schedule of games, and pick selections from the previous weeks. The update will usually come on Tuesday, although the Swami reserves the right to stretch it later into the week, if needed. You can also check this blog for the update. (7) Playoffs - The playoff structure for 2011 is identical to the 2010 and 2009 formats. Starting in Week Ten (10) of the regular season, any team chosen by a participant is NOT eligible to be selected in the playoffs, where the standard Suicide Rules will apply (i.e. you select one team to win per weekend playoff round). Teams chosen in Weeks One thru Nine (1-9) will be available to be re-selected in the playoffs.

Kindly address questions to the Swami at SwamiSuicidePool@gmail.com.

Good luck to all participants! Hank would be so proud.

That is all.

Swami NFL Suicide Pool Final Standings

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and degenerates, we have found our champion for the 2010 Suicide Pool, and this champion is glorious.

Lady Lew the Younger, take a bow.

Nay, curtsy, for the Suicide Pool crowns its first female champion, giving hope to the feminine masses. It is also worth noting at this time, when much of the male populace is amusing slapping their collective foreheads at the thought of being bested by the opposite sex, that our winner is not only female . . .

She is also fourteen years old.

That sound you heard was the collective group falling over. Yes, my friends, Lady Lew the Younger is a 14-year-old girl, and she outlasted, outmaneuvered, outfoxed all comers, and carries home the proverbial golden goblet. The rest of the Top Ten is as follows:

2 - Back Nine Ben
3 - Papa Lew
T4 - Ze German
T4 -Pretzel 01
T4 -  The Doctor
T4 -Lewis Family Tree
T4 -  Mama Lew
T4 -Fiendish Femme
T10 - Mr. Incredible
T10 - Mumsy

Well done, everyone, and thank you all for participating in our little pool this season; it was one of the more enjoyable rides we've had. We hope to see you all back next year, barring lockout, and may our 2011 romp be as joyous and fantabulous as our last. Be well, be safe, and study up. Onward to September!

That is all. Literally.

The Root of the Week (Championship Round)

It's a brutal, hard-nosed, hands-to-the-face NFC North match-up which draws the attention of our Suicide Pool this weekend, as our final three participants vie for a berth in the Super Bowl.

The Lew clan will get there, one way or another, with the Lew picks split between Packers and Bears. Back Nine Ben needs the green and gold to enter the record books as only the second #6 seed to get to the Big Dance; they do so, and he packs his dancing shoes, too.

That is all.

The Unholy Playoff Devastation

The devastation wrought by the Saints is nearly complete; eight of the nine remaining participants were riding the holiest franchise, the defending champs, the righteous ones, as the team itself rode into Seattle on a wave of public approval, expecting to dominate the lowly 7-9 division-winning Seahawks.

Together, they all rode right into their 2010 graves.

Only three remain, the two undefeated Lew teams and Back Nine Ben, who now has a significant amount of the good green heaped on the Ravens tomorrow, who were his pick. If they fail, we go into sudden death between the youngest and eldest of Clan Lew.

The end is near.

That is all.

So it comes down to this...

The German, The Fiend's lady, and what seems to be the entire Lewis family. Vegas oddsmakers need to tap into that knowledge base.

Let the games begin.

The Root of the Tuesday Taunt of the Week XVII

For those who remain, and following this Week Seventeen there are now only nine of you, it would behoove you to pay attention to the blog throughout the playoffs. This is where you will get the fastest updates of goings on with our glorious Suicide Pool.

An update such as follows, which informs of the demise of both Mumsy and Mr. Incredible, who perished along with the playoff hopes of the St. Louis Rams, and the survival of the other nine remaining participants, including our two undefeateds. The Colts, Texans, Giants, and 49ers were the victorious squads. In other words, in Tuesday Taunt format, we have 143 participants, 2 undefeated, 7 with one loss, and 134 dead.

Check back this week for more information on the coming playoff run, which I will also touch upon in the update email, but for now let me wish all of you, those living and those deceased, a very Happy New Year.

That is all.

Tuesday Taunt XVI

143 participants
2 undefeated
9 with one loss
22 week 16 losers

Absolute bedlam.

Absolute, historic, glorious bedlam. I've seen chaos, I've seen carnage, but nothing compares to the destruction of this Week Sixteen. 79% of participants met their reaper, seventeen for the second and final time. You can cheat death once in our Suicide Pool, but the second time brings the swipe of the scythe.

To help put things in an unusual perspective, the losers selected the Eagles, Cowboys, Dolphins, Jaguars, Chargers, and Texans, while the winners chose the Chiefs, Bucs, and Rams. Repeat: the Chiefs, Bucs, and Rams. Let that little factoid stew for a while.

And so we enter the last week of the regular season with a pair of undefeateds, guaranteeing we will reach the playoffs for the third straight season. Eleven participants in total remain, the cream of the crop. Fewer than I expected, but still too many for my taste.

Mister Reaper, a little off the top in Week Seventeen, if you please.

That is all.

The Root of the Week XVI

It's a rare thing when I am afforded the opportunity to come on the blog, and in the process of posting my weekly Root, come to realize that a great many participants have already been ousted.

Thank you, Jay Feely.

I do find it a little sorrowful that such carnage comes on such a glorious day, and a very Merry Christmas to all of you; I hope your day, for those who perished, was not too tarnished. By the by, the level of Cowboys-wrought death is six, with two previously undefeateds -- including Ze German, and you may find irony therein to last several lifetimes.

For those who roll into Sunday with teams still to go, it seems the Eagles have picked up a number of rooters this week, which is strange given their expected eventual playoff success. Then we have a collection of Rams, Jags, Chiefs, and Chargers, plus one man alone on my beloveds this week (and an undefeated, no less). By the by, part two, at this point so late in the season, just to keep things wholly above board, it is worth noting that my wife is still in the pool (by the grace of some higher power) under the heading of The Factor, and her pick this week is the Texans on the road, to win. Good luck to her.

It seems we are carving the fat from our proverbial turkey in Week Sixteen. Will you be next?

That is all.